Outcast

Met up with three friends tonight....

All three girls came in a summer dress.
One is married.
One just moved in with her bf.
One has a long d bf.

Then there's me.
T-shirt, jeans and sneakers.
Single.
And not looking for a bf.

Wonders.

Am I out of place or what?

There was way too much discussion about relationships tonight, to the point that I started to get bored.  I do not want to comment on or judge other people's relationships.  I am in no position to do that.  Nor do I want other people invading my private space.  Nobody understands a relationship the way the people involved do.    Nobody else needs to get involved.

Helping Hand?

After going to the gym tonight, I went to the bank to get some cash.

While getting out of the car, I saw a woman standing beside a car just opposite me.  It looked like she was waiting for people.  Seeing as there was a group of people coming out of a restaurant, I thought she was waiting for them.

After getting my cash, I walked back to my car.  As I was walking, the woman stopped me and asked to borrow my phone.  She said some other stuff in Mandarin, but seeing as my mind was not expecting a random conversation in Mandarin, I didn't pick up everything she said.  I think it was something about being locked out of her car.

Seeing as my phone was in the car and not on me, I just said I didn't have a phone with me.

Was I wrong to do that?

What if she actually needed help?  Then the poor women would have to wait for the next person to come by and hope that he/she would help.  And who knows how long that would be.

But, a part of me was slightly suspicious.  Why didn't she ask that group of people coming out of the restaurant?  Why didn't she ask me when I first got out of my car, before I went into the bank?

Was I wrong to do that?  I was just being careful.  But I feel bad if she really did need help.

Maybe...(or not maybe)...I just have trust issues.

Paulo Coelho - Brida

Ever since the first time I read a book from Paulo Coelho, I've always known that his books will give me a lot to think about.  About life.  About people.  About faith.

For whatever reason, I picked up this book thinking that it shouldn't be too "bad", since the descriptions said it was about a girl interested in magic and witchcraft.

Big mistake.

This book was about finding your path.  This book was about finding the connection between the visible and the invisible.  This book was about finding your soul mate.

All of which I cannot seem to grasp.



“If, in the beginning, there were so few people on the face of the earth, and now there are so many, where did all those new souls come from? The answer is simple. In certain reincarnations, we divide into two. Our souls divide as do crystals and start, cells and plants. Our soul divides into two, and those souls are in turn transformed into two and so, within a few generations, we are scattered over a large part of the earth. We form part of what the Alchemists call the Anima Mundi, the sould of the world; the truth is that if the Anima Mundi were merely to keep dividing, it would keep growing, but it would also become gradually weaker. That is why, as well as dividing into two, we also find ourselves. And the process of finding ourselves is called love. Because when a sould divides, it always divides into a male part and a female part. In each life, we feel a mysterious boligation to find at least one of those soul mates. The greater love that seperated them feels pleased with the Love that brings them together again. But how will i know who my soul mate is? By taking risks. By rising failure, disappointment, disillusion, but never ceasing in your search for love. As long as you keep looking, you will triumph in the end.”

“When you find your path, you must not be afraid. You need to have sufficient courage to make mistakes. Disappointment, defeat, and despair are the tools God uses to show us the way.”

“Accept what life offers you and try to drink from every cup. All wines should be tasted; some should only be sipped, but with others, drink the whole bottle.”

“Don’t bother trying to explain your emotions. Live everything as intensely as you can and keep whatever you felt as a gift from God. The best way to destroy the bridge between the visible and invisible is by trying to explain your emotions.”

“When you were in love, you were capable of learning everything and of knowing things you had never dared even to think, because love was the key to understanding all of the mysteries.”

“People give flowers as present because flowers contain true meaning of love. Anyone who tries to posses a flower will have to watch its beauty fading. But if you simply look at a flower in the field, you'll keep it forever. That is what the forest taught me. That you will never be mine, and that is why i will never lose you.”

“None of us knows what might happen even the next minute, yet still we go forward. Because we trust. Because we have Faith.” Thank you for another mind opening book. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. Thank you for reminding me what really matters.

Virtual Community

Every now and then I go to the hocc forum to see what's happening there.  I guess I know that there really isn't anything interesting there anymore these days, but I guess it's a habit.

As expected, there are a bunch of threads there in relation to the news/rumours about hocc and Joey Yung and Wilfred Lau these days.  Everybody wants to show their support in some way or form.

What caught my attention last night was a thread titled, "d人去晒邊???", started by someone I recognize.  In her post, she said that she's an old-timer who hasn't been on the forum much lately.  She was wondering why the forum was so dead.

Interestingly, the thread is now six pages long.  There's a bunch of unrelated replies.  But the interesting thing is, in those six pages, I saw quite a few replies from a lot of old-timers who have, in recent years, 'abandoned' the forum or have been silent.  Myself included.

What's touching is that after all these years, in light of the recent news/rumours, we've all paid a visit to the forum to see what's going on, to show some support.  Although we may have somewhat abandoned the forum, it appears we're all still the die hard fans that we were way back then.

What's slightly disappointing is the way things have changed.  Perhaps with all the social media sites, the forum is not quite as useful as it was before.  But, if you ask any old-timer, the reason they've lost interest in the forum because there are no longer any interesting and meaningful threads like there was then.  99% of the posts are boring, pointless fan adoration posts that are really of no interest to anyone.  Nobody discusses the music, or the lyrics, or the shows, or even anything moderately important anymore.

On a personal level, I kind of miss the old days when the forum was active.  There were a lot of people that had become good chat buddies, but we've lost touch over the years.  The ones in T.O. that I've met at some point or other are still in my contacts, but we don't chat.  And a bunch of people around the world that I used to chat with regularly.  What happened to them all?  How did we lose touch?

It seems there's only two people that I sort of kept in touch with.  Fish, who I've randomly messaged with every now and then.  I've still never met her in person after all these years (maybe 10 years?!), but I'd still like to meet her some day, if that's possible.  After all, she was the first fellow fan that I got to know.  B*, who I coincidentally met on campus in undergrad.  I guess FB keeps us connected because we have such similar music taste.

And, of course, there's a third person...out there...somewhere......

We used to joke that hocc doesn't have a fan club, she has a cult.  You either love her or hate her.  And once you're in, there's no turning back, you're sure to be a faithful supporter for years to come.  It's not just about her music, it's also about the messages she sends out and the things she stands for.

Perhaps my interest in all of this has died down.  Partially because the music has evolved a lot over the years.  Partially because of personal reasons.  But, no doubt, I'm still following faithfully, however crazy that may be.

I'm still waiting for a chance...I still need to watch a live show...with my partner in crime.

Because

 A while ago I heard this song on TV. I remember at some point in time a long long time ago I liked this song, although at that time, I never really paid attention and it sort of just sounded nice.

This time around...I actually noticed what the song is saying...and it means so much more.

I'm everything I am because......

Once in a lifetime...

I've been waiting a long long time for a chance like this.

Now that it's slowly approaching, I don't know what to do.

But, the reality is, I might never get a chance like this again for a long long time.  If I don't make use of it, I may regret it forever.

Is this really what I want to do?  Is this really what I should do?  What am I going to achieve, if anything?  What damage could I do, if any?  What are the consequences if things go wrong?

I've always operated under restrictions.  This will potentially be the one time when all of these restrictions are gone.  This time, can I really carry through and make something of it?

Where would I go?  How long could I stay?  What would I do if A or B happens?

I've tried, and tried, and tried, and seemed to have gotten myself nowhere.  No matter what I do, it seems I can't get any closer to where I want to be.  Could this even make a difference?  Or will I make a fool of myself yet again, even more so than before, and make things worse?

I'm afraid to think about it, but time is ticking.

Flashback #3243567

I was on the bus home today when it started pouring rain.

Pouring rain with thunder and lightning on a June evening......

Couldn't help but think back to last year.  On a June evening last year, around this time, I was at York.  After a long long day of classes, my group and I wrote a case in a small small room in one of the buildings at the far end of the York campus.

By the time we finished, it was probably around 5 or 6pm.  K commented that we should leave before it starts to rain.  But, of course, once we get outside, it starts to pour.

Me, L and B made it to the bus stop.  The rain was so bad that the split second that it took to get from the bus stand to the bus was enough to soak us all.  M, R, K and S didn't make it to their cars and ended up waiting it out in one of the buildings.

Last year this time, we were all freaking out.

Here we are now, just a couple thousand work hours away from putting two letters after our names.

As bad as it seemed then, we can all now look back and laugh about it, and say that those were good times.

And...of course...I'm so glad that I'm here, and not there, this week.

You just never know...

A phone call from a relative brought news that someone has been diagnosed with a brain tumor.  It's unknown whether it's malignant or not, but it's definitely having some negative effects on him.

I hope they can cure it.

Hearing this, my mother noted how fragile life is and, hence, people should try to live happy lives.

Hearing this from her, I don't know how to react.

I'm glad you realize that people should try to live happy lives.  Now, if only you'd let me.

好無奈。

Respect...that's all I want.

I'm no angel, nor do I dare to call myself a good person, but I can honestly say that I genuinely care for the people around me, whether they know it or not.

I care because they are people important to me, because they are good people.  I do what I can to be helpful because I want to ease their loads and make their lives a little easier, in whatever way possible.

A little bit of kindness can go a long way and can change lives.  If there's anyone that knows this, it's me.  Because I've experienced it.

I don't want anything in return.  That was never and never will be my motive.

All I ask for...is a little respect.

You don't need to appreciate what I do.  You don't need to say thank you.  But, at least, you don't need twist my intentions around and trash me.

I do what I do because I believe it's the right thing to do.  You can think otherwise, you can accuse me of anything you want, but that doesn't make it true.

It's not that I have secrets.  It's just you're unwilling to listen.
It's not that I want to go.  It's just you won't let me stay.
It's not that I don't care.  It's just you won't let me care.

It doesn't have to be like this, but nobody will ever give in.

You can have your opinion, but I can also have mine.

We've gone through this before, and each time, the result is the same.  We're getting nowhere.  And we never will.

But if I can't even get a little bit of respect, then what the hell am I doing?  Why should I care and make sacrifices for someone and, in return, be accused and condemned for things that are not true?  If that's the way I'm going to be treated, then I mind as well go and do all the "forbidden" things that will me happy and just forget about what anyone thinks, because there won't be a difference.

But guess what?  I can't.  Because I f**king care.  Because I can't bring myself to not care how the people around me feel.  Because I'd rather be the one who suffers, then to "destroy" everyone else's life.

Although...I really don't understand how what I want can be so "destructive".

This is...all...one big disaster waiting to happen.

Bonds

A few days ago, while having dinner with two friends, an interesting conversation emerged.  R mentioned that two to three years ago S had asked her two questions:

"How can you and M be friends?  You're so different."
"How can M and NN be friends?  They're so different."

Me and M both had the same reaction: LOL!  Those are pretty odd questions.   The first one I get.  M and S have never got along, so I can see why should would ask R how she and M get along.  The second one...it's funny because, quite frankly, it's none of her business.

Seeing as it was such an interesting and funny topic, me, R and M actually discussed it.  Why are R and M friends?  I don't think we ever arrived at an answer, but the reality is, how could R not be friends with everyone?  She's like the nicest person ever.  Why are me and M friends?  Yes, on the surface, we're very different people.  She's loud and outgoing, and I'm practically the complete opposite.  But what clicks is that we think similar.

For me, why are R and M good friends, other than the reasons above?  Simple.  They're good people.  I can trust that they would not do things that would harm other people.  For R, I think this is obvious to everyone around her.  For M, she may say bad things and be loud and obnoxious sometimes, but I know deep down she would never do bad things.  They're both good people, and that's the most important thing to me.

The conversation was particularly interesting for me because I once asked someone a similar question.

I once asked X, "What brings people together?"  Of all people, how did we end up together?  We are completely different people.  I was a first year university student that spent almost my entire life in T.O.  She had two degrees and had worked in different countries.  Why would this highly educated woman who has all the freedom in the world want anything to do with me, nothing more than a 'kid'?

Being the talented writer and wise person that she is, her answer: "It is the likeness that draws people near, and the difference that binds them close.  This is called ambivalence."

Ever since then, I have always been very conscious about my relationship with the people around me.  What is our relationship?  Good friends?  Friends?  Acquaintance?  Chat buddy?  What brings us together?  How much do I trust you?  Why do I trust you?  How much should I share with you?

Perhaps I'm worried about missing on important cues.  Perhaps I feel vulnerable.  Perhaps I'm trying to better understand myself.

But...in the end...I'm not looking for much.  I just want good, trustworthy people.

Who Called?

A call from an unfamiliar number...

A canto speaking girl...

Who could it be?

A Telus cell phone.

A Toronto number.

Tantalizing.

What lies beneath...

...should not be disturbed.

I dislike the way it is now.
There's no need to make it worse.

Brewing...

...a storm in my mind.