There...

She's added something to her profile......

It suddenly occurs to me that I never knew about this place.  I've always listened to the stories about her life there, but I never actually knew where.  And how come I never asked?  It's an absolute shame that I've only come to know like this.

It looks like a beautiful place.  It'd be nice to visit it some day......

I remember once writing about a wish.  I wish that I could have a day with her and show her all the things and places from my past, every little bit.  And, of course, I wish she'd take me to the places she's been and do the things she's done.

But...it's all just a (hopeless) wish.

Collections

20% in 9 months.
Plus the extras.

I'd say that's pretty damn good.

Nice to know I'm worth something.

Hopefully, I can manage to keep it that way going forward.

Re-consider?

Re-think.
Re-plan.
Re-work.

I need to get this right.

Fail

Maybe, sometimes, I should just say no.

Two months from now, I'll have 10 days on my own, with everyone else in the family at least 100 km away.

It was going to be the perfect opportunity to abuse my freedom, yet again. This time, to a much greater extent and, hopefully, bring about some changes to some parts of my life.

For once, there will be no restrictions.
For once, I can write down those four words.
For once, I might actually be able to follow through.

And now...I've f**ked it all up, probably more than I originally thought.

Nothing is going to work the way I had in mind now, and I may have just ruined my only chance.

What now?

My only option is to push back a week, but I can't be 100% sure that it'll work. I can't afford to make a mistake. But I can't think of any other way.

I should have said no.

There's no doubt in my mind what's more important to me, not even for a second. But would it have been selfish of me to say no?

Why do things always have to clash like this?

Why do I always have to choose from mutually exclusive choices?

Broken

Everything that I've been thinking and planning has just been shattered to pieces.

='(

Scars

How did your little feet get stained black?

I guess it's been rough on you following me around, living in hiding.

Now you have black marks on your little feet.

Just like your siblings.

The scars on his feet mark the battles he's gone through.

The stains on your feet mark the days you've accompanied me.

I still hope that, some day, you can be reunited with your siblings.  All of them.

And...of course...with the master...your rightful owner.

Moving 'Up'

Got some good news today...
But there's nobody to share it with.

Of course, I've shared it with my family.  I know that within the next 24 hours, the whole family in HK will know about it too.  It's a given.  Happens every time.

Friends?  Well...it's always risky sharing news like this.  I'm willing to tell if I'm asked, but there's no need to bring it up.  There's no need to make anyone feel bad.  After all, I know what I have is much better than what others in the field have.

And...

I still wish she could see me succeed.  She saw the worst of me, at the worst possible time.  Now, if only I could prove that I'm as good as I once described myself to be.

Every time I come across a situation like this, I can't help but think of this song...



原來就算　終於打了勝仗
無人在前面的機場　迎來閘門來分享

It always seems other people are more happy than I am when there's good news like this...

It's all meaningless to me if there's nobody to share the success with.

The truth is...with the reward comes a lot more responsibilities, in many ways, both at work and at home.

The truth is...I'd give up these rewards for other things that are more important to me any day.

Up Up Up

The bi-weekly automatic deposit to my bank account has just gotten bigger.
And...there's a cheque waiting for me.
I guess I should be happy?
=)

Show # 1294173

September 7th to Sept 16th.  It's the perfect timing.

When it was announced that this show would not be available on DVD, I was a little disappointed that I would never get to see it.  After all, this is the 10th anniversary show and it would be worthwhile to see it after following all these years.

Now, my chance has come.  For the entire duration of this re-run, I'll be in HK.  I really can go and see it.

B* liked my comment/post about being in HK during the show time.  Of all people, she'd definitely be the one that understands my 'excitement'.  After all, we met because of the name 'hocc' and we've both been following from the beginning.

Yes...it's cool that I'll be there during that time...but, the reality is that I would never actually go.

A few years ago, I had the chance to go to the "Happiness is Free" free concert.  In fact, someone in HK had asked me if I wanted to go.  Without even thinking, I said no.

Without the right company, it's meaningless.  It could be the greatest show, but I wouldn't be able to enjoy it.

I don't need to scar the experience any more than it already is.

I made a mistake before.

I'm not doing it again.

Until then......

Re-trace

I abused my freedom again today.

After all my planned (or maybe poorly planned or not so planned) activities for the day, I went off on my own.  To most, this seems stupid and boring.  But, to me, it's some much needed alone time.

Perhaps I've had this in my mind for a while, but just never had the chance to do it......I went and re-traced my steps.

I stopped at a coffee shop.  It's not a big player in the industry and not a chain.  It's not even big enough to have its own printed cups.  But it seems to be a fairly well known place in the area.  I bought a coffee there, and noticed how things have changed.  The store sign and logo are different.  The layout in the store is no longer the same.  I would have liked to sit for a while and take in the environment around me, but the owner was clearly closing up for the day.

I stopped by a bookstore.  This place was once in danger of going out of business.  Good to see that it's still there.  Too bad it had already closed for the day.

I stopped by a bakery.  I would have liked to buy some freshly made bread from this popular location.  Of course, it can't be sliced bread.  But, again, it was already closed for the day.

Essentially...I've re-traced my steps.

Perhaps what I'm trying to do is weigh my options?

When you're too in love to let it go...

A little surprised to see this...

Specifically...I'm surprised to see hocc singing this song at this time.

With all the rumours and what not floating around and the media constantly after her about relationship issues, it seems this is a very 'inappropriate' song to sing at her show.

To a lot of people, this is just another song. It's a popular Coldplay song and hocc is doing a cover of it. Nothing special. But anyone that knows the song and knows the lyrics will think there's more to it.

This song says a lot of things. As one of the comments in one of the videos said, this song probably has a bigger meaning than the other one at this time.

It's kind of upsetting to see her sing this song, because of what the songs says, and because of what the song means to me. Someone once told me this song made her cry, and I wasn't able to do anything. At some point in time, this song also made me cry. And perhaps still does so now, at times.

Perhaps it's my projections, but for some reason I get the feeling that hocc is hurting while singing this song too.

In the end...why else would she pick this song at this time?

When you try your best and you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

勞斯．萊斯...revisited

As others have said, this song doesn't sound as good as it usually does.  Perhaps hocc just can't get into it the way she did before.  Or perhaps it's sort of lost its meaning and significance to both her and everyone listening.

Maybe it's just me, but while she's singing this, it seems she's sad and trying to hold back the tears.  Or maybe I'm projecting my thoughts and emotions on it.  Who knows.  After all, this song gets to me every time.  It' just too close to home.

Not sure why I did it, but when this song came up on my iPod today while I was driving, I put it on loop.  For almost the entire drive home, I listened to this song over and over again.  Perhaps I (still) get some comfort from it.  Perhaps it's a bit of motivation.

The song says a lot, and I can relate to every line in it.  The irony is it came at the most (in)appropriate time.  Perhaps most people like the last part of the lyrics the most, but the most important line to me is...

能成為密友大概總帶著愛
Something so true, but we rarely ever think about.


Every time I hear this song and it gets to this line, I can't help but think about a certain email.


At a certain critical point in time, I received an email from someone.  It was a very emotional and perhaps painful email, and it was all because of a situation that I 'created', and all because of my stupidity.  The last line in the email was supposed to be in Chinese, but it had showed up as symbols when I received it.  For some reason, at that moment, I was fairly certain that I knew what those symbols were supposed to be, and never asked the writer.


Now it bugs me that I never confirmed it.


I've always found it amazing that the song that the fans sing the loudest at hocc's concerts is this one, a rather controversial song.  Now I wonder if she will continue singing this song at the shows.


But...even if she does...perhaps it will never be the same again.

The Listener

A TV series about a mind-reading paramedic based in Toronto.  How much more tantalizing can it get?

The first season of this show aired in 2009.  On some channels, it wasn't well received and they cut it before the season was even done.  But, apparently, it's been pretty popular in other places internationally.

Back in 2009, when I first heard of this show, I looked for it.  (Of course, how could I possibly stay away?)  I saved it up on my harddrive and never watched it.  It was not until that I saw a commercial for it on TV lately that I remembered this show.  Currently, CTV is already showing Season 3.

So...as 'dangerous' as it may be...either realistically or emotionally...I decided to watch it.

1.  Although the show is supposed to be based in TO, the uniforms are not really TO EMS uniforms.  It's obvious that they are trying to avoid showing the actual uniform.

2.  The ambulance is clearly not a TO ambulance.  Why did they change it when the story is based in TO?

3.  The show is really not about EMS.  99% of the storyline really has nothing to do with the fact that Toby Logan is a paramedic.  It probably would have made more sense if he was a police officer, considering that's basically what he's really doing.

4.  The most interesting part about this show is the topics that it covers.  Street kids.  Gangs.  LGBT.  Drugs.  Everything.

It really isn't what I expected from a show about a paramedic, but it's interesting enough.

But...of course...I have an obvious bias about paramedics.

How could I possibly resist?

Mind vs Heart

Within all those conversations about relationships the other night, as much as I hated it, there were some 'interesting' things.

R is in a long d relationship.  Her bf is studying in the US.  He wants her to move to the US where he has better career opportunities.  She wants him to come to T.O. where she needs to be to sponsor the rest of her family.  Neither is really willing to compromise.

So my two other friends have these suggestions:  (1) breakup with him because it's a waste of time to date someone with whom their will be no result; and (2) get a second bf as a backup so that in case things don't work out, you still have something.

Really?  This is what they think?  That confirms my choice to not share too much info with these people.

Thankfully...as I expected...R disagrees with them, and thinks exactly what I think.

How can you just break up with someone like that?  The future is the future.  Nobody knows what will happen.  If things are good now, and you love each other, how can you just break up just like that?  Perhaps, mentally, you know it's much more practical to do so.  But, emotionally, how could anyone do that?  How can you intentionally break up with someone that you love?  If you can, then did you really love that person?

How can you love two people at the same time?  How can you say you love someone, and then go off and find a second person to date?  How can you be selfish enough to risk hurting both persons for the sake of protecting yourself?  If you can fall for a second person, then did you really love the first one?

I cannot do either of the things above, either mentally or emotionally.  I cannot simply let go of someone that I love dearly and has never done a thing to harm me.  I cannot fall for someone else when there's already someone in my heart.

Or...maybe I'm the one who's ridiculous?