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I had everything planned today.  I (sort of) knew what I wanted to do, and it was just a matter of carrying it out.

Until I read this......

I guess it made me re-think what I was "saying".  Perhaps, I really need to be a little more careful with my words and actions.

I did not send off the monkey.  Instead, I took a step back, simplified my message and, five minutes ago, put it into the mail.

What I've read makes me worry that I have been and am still doing the wrong things.  But, perhaps, it's wiser to leave myself a chance.  If it works the way I'd like it to, then great.  If not, then maybe it'll be the beginning of the end.  Regardless, I can't just throw away this once in a lifetime opportunity that I have.

I've been planning all along, and this one horoscope reading changed my mind.

Yes, I guess I can be a little superstitious at times.  And, ironically, the reason I even read the horoscopes is the same reason why I'm sitting here writing.

And here begins a three-week wait.

For better, or for worse...

To be determined.

The Hardest Thing

Heard this song on the radio today.

This song was fairly popular way back then, and I kinda liked it, simply because it sort of sounded nice.

When I hear it again now, today, it's a totally different feeling and it almost brought me to tears.

It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do
To look you in the eye
And tell you I don't love you
It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to lie
To show no emotion when you start to cry
I can't let you see what you mean to me
When my hands are tied and my heart's not free
We're not meant to be
It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do
To turn around and walk away
Pretending I don't love you

Read Me

Can't find the words to let out what I'm thinking and feeling.

Can't find the words to write what I need to write.

Another blank page...with so much written......

Are the eyes of the soul reading?

Sedative

It's almost 1:30am, and I'm still here sipping my drink.

I'm not sure why I'm still here.  Is it because I need to finish what I'm writing?  Is it because I don't want to lie in bed and let my mind/emotions wander?  Is it because I need to tire myself out to sleep?

Thank goodness low doses of alcohol can be sedative and it's starting to kick in.

Otherwise, it'd be impossible to sleep.

Can someone tell me what to do?

星盒子 - 折磨

This is a group that very few people know.  This is a song that very few people know.  I know this song because of her.  It was her that introduced me to this group and this song.  It used to just be a nice song. Until I paid attention to the lyrics.

作詞：林一峰
作曲：區永權/林一峰
演唱：陳鳳

想著你在想什麼　想著你在做什麼
面對你無法開口　一次一次的錯過　漫漫長夜有誰陪你過
沒有應該不應該　沒有誰對跟誰錯
是否沒有發生過　還是我們已擁有　一種不用說明的承諾
Oh 明天我還是要過　面對一個人的生活
But loving you, needing you 我享受　這種折磨
想著你在想什麼　想著你在做什麼
能否繼續走下去　連自己也沒把握 只是我享受這種折磨

To be honest, I don't like this torment.  It's eating me alive.

But the question in this song...
Is the question I wish I could find an answer to...

是否沒有發生過　還是我們已擁有　一種不用說明的承諾

I've always had faith.

Running

Why are you running?  Are you running from something?  Or are you running to something?

That's not you.  You always know what you're doing.  You always know better than me.

I'm the one that runs.  I run because I don't know what else to do.  If I keep running, I don't have to stop, I don't have to think about it, and I don't have to face it.

Perhaps everything that I've done over the years was all wrong.

I knew to never really expect anything, even though inside I really did hope and wish.  All I wanted to do was show that I care.  Maybe the things I wrote were too much.  Maybe all the things I've done have taken a toll on you more than anything.

I don't want to be the shadow.  I don't want you to feel stuck.  I don't want you to feel trapped.

So if it's me, then I surrender.

If there's something I can do to free you from the shadow so that you can move forward (or backward) to wherever it is you would like to go, then that's what I'll do.

I've always hated to see you go.  I've always hated counting down the minutes to when I have to leave.  It kills me inside, every time.  The thought of losing you, forever, is too much to bear.  But all of that I can still live with, because what crushes me even more, and is most unbearable, is to see you in pain, especially when it's caused by me.

Should I be completely honest?  Perhaps I need to be if I want you to know why I'm doing this.  But being honest likely means I'll lose the tree hole (again).  But if I'm not completely honest, I risk another misunderstanding.  And, to begin with, this is already going against what you once taught me.

I'm sorry.  I never meant to hurt you.

Perhaps...it's time for the monkey to set out on his last mission.

Perhaps...this really will be the one last time.

What have I done?

What have I been doing with my life all these years?  What have I done to yours?

All these years, on certain dates, I've done small things as a gesture to show that I care.  As much as I hoped and wished for a response, I never really expected anything.  All I really wanted was to let you know that you're important to me, that I'll always be here for you (in what ways I can be) if you ever need me.  In my heart, nothing will change, even if I never see you again.  You'll always have that special place in my heart.

Perhaps, my good intentions have had a significantly more negative effect.

Maybe I should have given up years ago?

I don't know.  I've always believed that there's still something there.  I've always believed that if I could change things, I could get to where I want to be.  I've always believed that, some day, I could make it work. And most importantly, I've always believed in you.  Hence, no matter how many times I've failed, no matter how slowly things change, no matter how much it hurts along the way, I keep trying.

There have been people around me who have told me to stop, for various reasons.  Some say I need to move on.  Some say I may simply be a nuisance to you.  Some say it's not worth my time and the emotional torment for someone who can't be considerate about my situation.

Sometimes it does bug me.  I never expected things to be like this.  I never expected a war.  But in many ways, my hands are tied and I'm stuck.  Yes, I'm financially independent now and perhaps you would say I could simply break free from all these restrictions.  But can I really?  In the end, these "restrictions" are part of my responsibilities.  I cannot not care.  This is a part of my life that I cannot get rid of.  Why can't you accept it for what it is?  Why can't you see things from my perspective?

But at the same time, I do know why.  You've been independent all your life.  You've been to school in one country and worked in a few others.  You've been living on your own most of your life.  How could I take your freedom away from you?  How could I expect you to live under the restrictions of my life?  How could I expect you to endure all the pain?  How could I expect you to stay with someone who's never there for you?  It's just not fair to you.

I don't know how to interpret what I see.  I don't know if it's telling me to take a bolder step, or to walk away.  I don't know if I'm making things better or worse.  I don't know what you're thinking.

This is tearing me apart all over again.

Once again....for the Nth time...I'm ripping myself apart for answers.

The sun is setting again...

I could really use a long drive to the middle of nowhere.

I could really use a day watching the waves.

I could really use a night under the stars.

I could really use a couple of drinks.
I could really use some TLC.

Anything to numb my mind and heart.

I've lost count......

Found

I've been sitting here all night, thinking about something stupid and selfish that I'm potentially going to do.  But before I make a decision, I couldn't help but try to find some more clues.

I meant to go to the tree hole.  While there, I noticed a repeating phrase in the tree hole.  I took the phrase and googled it...

And found another tree hole.

The phrase I searched...
The address...
The content...
The language...
The writing style...

I know, for sure, that this is the clue that I've been looking for.

It doesn't tell me as much as I'd like to know, but I guess it's better than nothing.  I read the little that's there over and over and over again, not entirely sure how to interpret it.  As always, what's there is deep, but never fully comprehensible to someone that doesn't know.

But...I think I do know...

And it kills me.

Sound waves...

One day last week, the summer student in the office asked to interview me as part of her work term report.  As we sat down to get started, she pulled out her phone to record the process so that she wouldn't have to write it all down.

For some reason, that sparked a thought......

We always joked about having a LAN line connecting us.  That way, we'd be constantly connected and know everything about each other.

We always joked about the monkeys being able to talk.  That way, we could tell the monkeys everything, even the things we were afraid to say, and the monkeys could pass on the message.

What if I could connect the LAN line and make the monkey talk?

Would you hear me out?

The monkey's been with me for 5 months now.  He's not supposed to be here with me.  He belongs elsewhere, with his siblings.  Perhaps, this will be his mission?

Shift

There's been a change of plans...

Upon hearing that, I thought everything had just been f**ked even more.

But...

Perhaps, this can work to my advantage?

Random Saturday Afternoon

By chance, I spent the day at a friend's condo.  We ended up killing time playing snooker in the party room, and then going up to her place for drinks.

The good...

It really doesn't take much to have a good time.  I don't trust this person completely, but it's okay to talk about work and school and life without getting into the personal stuff.  We've worked together so much that this type of conversation works and is (somewhat) effective.

The interesting...

It's hard to believe how open people are about their smoking habits.  I casually sat down on the sofa and in front of me was a water bong and a jar of ..........

The bad...

It's been a while since I've visited someone in a condo.  I have a thing for condos.  Since whenever, the elevator ride up to the floor has given me that "going home" feeling.  The view from the window up high reminds me of shadows.  It's nostalgic in so many ways.

8/11 Recap

Finally get some time to recap......

Aug 11, 2012

Congrats, Mr and Mrs I.  You've managed eight years together already.  Enjoy your lives together, forever and a day.

This was, officially, the first wedding among my own friends.  All the other ones I've been to were for relatives that I barely know.

I thought the first would be R+S in October but, "out of nowhere", came K+L today, and J+C next month.  It's probably safe to assume that there will be many more in the next year or two.

For whatever reason, you can't help but feel happy at weddings.  I'm happy for K+L and all my other friends that are getting married in the near future.  It's hard to find someone that you love that also loves you.  It's a "privilege" to be able to spend the rest of your lives together.

A "privilege" that I don't know if I'll ever have.

What can I say?  Can't help but feel helpless, 無奈。

I cannot see the future.  All I know is that I'll be working, and that I need to take care of both my immediate and extended family.  There's nothing else.

Today, a friend asked me when I'm going to buy my own place and move out.

I'd like to do that too.  And I can actually afford to.

But it's not that simple.

It never is.

Lose-Lose-Lose

The more I think about what happened over the weekend, the more I realize I need to do something.  If I don't take advantage of this opportunity, one day, I'll regret it.  (As if I don't regret it already...)

Each and every time I'm faced with the same questions...

How do I make it work?  How do I make it better?

Perhaps I'm setting out to do something selfish again.

If it fails completely, I disappoint myself for the millionth time.  No big deal.  I'm used to it by now.  A little more pain and a little less hope.

If it goes the wrong way, I start World War III, and wreck havoc in everyone's lives (again).

If it goes the right way, I start another extremely dangerous game of hide and seek (again) and walk into a big unknown.

In some ways, it's a lose-lose-lose situation.  I can never win.

But if it goes right, perhaps I can start living again.

And that one tiny chance, however small it may be, is worth it.

Fear

There is nothing in life that is worse than losing the people around you.

I might not be the most social person, but the people around me do matter, a lot.

Years ago, when someone very important to me walked out of my life, when the people that matter most all turned against me, I really couldn't find a reason to keep going.  If the most important people in my life are all gone, then nothing I do has any meaning.  I could be on top of the world and it would all be meaningless if there's nobody to share it with.

There's nothing in life that is more painful than losing someone.

There is nothing in life that is more frightening.

I was reminded of this today when a sms came through on my phone.

To all my family and friends out there:  Take care of yourself.  Keep in touch.  I never want to see anything bad happen to anyone of you, because you all mean something to me, because I would not be the person I am without all of you.

Split Second

It's been a much too eventful and tiring day......

Today was supposed to be a happy day.  I was supposed to be celebrating a wedding, a housewarming and a birthday with friends.

The wedding, along with the lunch, went well.  There was nice weather during the little stretch of time when we went outside to take pictures.  Congratulations, Mr and Mrs I!

The afternoon shopping trip was a bit long and tedious.  The three of us went out on our mission to buy a housewarming gift.  The item we had in mind wasn't as good as we expected.  After much debating and a long long conversation with the sales rep, we finally picked out something.

With time to spare, the three of us sat down at McD's for a snack.

And then I got a message.  Ironically, as I unlocked my phone to read the message, the phone froze.  I had to remove the battery to shut it off and restart it.

I never want to see a message like that again, from anyone.

The rest of my family had gotten into a car accident.  Thankfully, nobody was hurt.  It could have been a lot worse.

Dropped off my buddies and went to pick up my family.

Although I could have drove over to the party, I decided not to.  I'm not a big fan of these big gatherings anyway.  Four to five people is best.  Any more than that, people are left out.  And, perhaps, there was just way too much on my mind.

Enough for one day.

8/10

Can't help but wonder what you did today...

Did you think of yesteryear?

Did I ever cross your mind?

I guess...this was where I made my first mistake...

I guess...this was the best thing in my life...

But...it's all been reduced to emptiness.

Stranger

Sometimes...I really can't tell where I stand...and that makes me nervous.

A part of me says this is an indication that things are moving forward, which is where I want to be going.  I have confidence that this is the right way to go.

But in the moment, there are other things that tell me otherwise.  Is it just me, or is there a bit of conflict here?  Perhaps indirectly?  Perhaps that I've created?

Sometimes...it seems I just don't belong anywhere.

Or...am I just being too self-conscious and paranoid?

Listen...

Why does this sound "oddly" familar?!

Yes, now's a good time to make up my mind.  I know I want to dive deeper in.  That's what my heart says, but of course not what my thoughts say.  Which one am I going to heed?  That's always the question.  Time is ticking and I need to make a decision.  Is my heart really smarter than my head?

Lighthousekeeping

Every time I pick up a book by this author, I (re)discover something.  Every few chapters, I come across something that looks/sounds familiar.  I know I've seen/heard it before.

"He doubted her.  You must never doubt the one you love.

But they might not be telling the truth.

Never mind that.  You tell them the truth.

What do you mean?

You can't be another person's honesty, child, but you can be your own.

So what should I say?

When?

When I love someone?

You should say it."

- Jeannette Winterson, Lighthousekeeping

I've read a couple of this author's books now.  All very poetic, very clever.

Stories...this is what you were referring to.

You said you're telling me a story.

I always loved your stories.

I'm still here...still listening...as always.

So please...tell me a story...about love...about you...with a beginning, middle and end...with a happy ending.

Or...let me tell you a story......