What have I done?

What have I been doing with my life all these years?  What have I done to yours?

All these years, on certain dates, I've done small things as a gesture to show that I care.  As much as I hoped and wished for a response, I never really expected anything.  All I really wanted was to let you know that you're important to me, that I'll always be here for you (in what ways I can be) if you ever need me.  In my heart, nothing will change, even if I never see you again.  You'll always have that special place in my heart.

Perhaps, my good intentions have had a significantly more negative effect.

Maybe I should have given up years ago?

I don't know.  I've always believed that there's still something there.  I've always believed that if I could change things, I could get to where I want to be.  I've always believed that, some day, I could make it work. And most importantly, I've always believed in you.  Hence, no matter how many times I've failed, no matter how slowly things change, no matter how much it hurts along the way, I keep trying.

There have been people around me who have told me to stop, for various reasons.  Some say I need to move on.  Some say I may simply be a nuisance to you.  Some say it's not worth my time and the emotional torment for someone who can't be considerate about my situation.

Sometimes it does bug me.  I never expected things to be like this.  I never expected a war.  But in many ways, my hands are tied and I'm stuck.  Yes, I'm financially independent now and perhaps you would say I could simply break free from all these restrictions.  But can I really?  In the end, these "restrictions" are part of my responsibilities.  I cannot not care.  This is a part of my life that I cannot get rid of.  Why can't you accept it for what it is?  Why can't you see things from my perspective?

But at the same time, I do know why.  You've been independent all your life.  You've been to school in one country and worked in a few others.  You've been living on your own most of your life.  How could I take your freedom away from you?  How could I expect you to live under the restrictions of my life?  How could I expect you to endure all the pain?  How could I expect you to stay with someone who's never there for you?  It's just not fair to you.

I don't know how to interpret what I see.  I don't know if it's telling me to take a bolder step, or to walk away.  I don't know if I'm making things better or worse.  I don't know what you're thinking.

This is tearing me apart all over again.

Once again....for the Nth time...I'm ripping myself apart for answers.