Numerous times this week, I haphazardly looked at my hands......
I remember lazily sitting around on her sofa with the TV muted.
Every now and then she would ask to see my hands. She would hold my hand in hers and look at it. She would study it and use her fingers to trace out the patterns on my palm.
I think...to some extent...she was trying to read my palm.
I remember...it was the way she held my hand that made me realize that we weren't just friends.
I looked at my hands today. My hands feel weak. Somehow, I've managed to get cuts and knicks all over them. One hand has a small scar on it.
But, for some reason, what I noticed the most was......
My hands are empty.
After all the damage, I have nothing. I have nothing to hold and nothing to grasp. Even the last little bits are all being taken away from me. There's nothing left. All there is is my empty, helpless hands starring back at me.
A part of me wants/needs to cry. But even when there is a suitable time and place, it seems my eyes are dry. There is nothing left to let out.
Under the "About Me" part of my FB, I wrote this a long time ago:
"Doing what I need to do to get to that invisible destination that I'm not so sure exists..."
It's remained there for a long time because that is precisely what I've been doing and am still doing.
The path from A to B isn't always a straight line. Sometimes you have to take the road less traveled. This is what I learned. And this long winding journey is the path I need to take to get to my destination. I do what I need to do. I take chances when I can. It may be slow. It may be subtle. It may be painful. But I've always kept my faith.
I cannot precisely pinpoint my destination. I don't know how far I need to walk to get there. I don't know how long it will take. I just know what it looks and feels like. It's a place I'm familiar with. I can and cannot see it. More often than not, my destination is invisible even to me. But I've always kept my faith.
All of a sudden......it seems......
My destination has fallen off the map.
From time to time, I can still see a familiar place, but something tells me it's no longer the destination I've been looking for. What was once there is gone. I've found a stepping stone to a different place, but it would be wrong for me to use it and, for all I know, it could be the wrong direction.
It was almost time to take another step, but I'm not so sure I see any lights. Where do I go from here?
Has my destination disappeared out of time and space? Is the map fading? Or have I become blind?
The original plan was to get through the second session by the end of this weekend, but as it stands now, I'm still not even half way through the first session.
Fail.
To "blame"...
(1) There's other things that I need to attend to at home.
(2) My mind is thinking about work. The thought of having to wrap up this job this week is extremely intimidating. It's almost stressing me out even though I'm not working on it at the moment. On top of that, I know there are a couple of other jobs that are waiting for me. Not impressed.
(3) It seems that two of my friends are going through some rough times lately. M was lost someone. R seems really stressed. I wish I could help. I hate seeing the people around me upset.
(4) Having read so much about hocc lately, my mind keeps going back to other things and issues. In light of all this, there's so much to think about.
(5) A few months ago, I placed a hold on a book at the library. I finally picked it up a few days ago. This book is highly distracting right now because I'm finding that it's explaining some things that I didn't understand before, and because it hits all the right spots.
This studying thing is harder than I thought. It really isn't that easy to fit in 15-20 hours of reading each week. But I've put $1,000+ down on this already. It's got to get done.
A few weeks ago, I read somewhere that a lot of people thought that this was the best (i.e. most suitable) Bond theme song. It was at this point that I learned that the song was called Skyfall, same as the movie. Seeing that it was sung by Adele, I was kind of curious, but never did end up looking it up.
When I saw the name Skyfall, I wondered what it meant, I wondered what it had to do with the movie. I thought it would be a code name for something or other in the Bond world, or an armegeddon type idea. After all, the song is talking about the sky falling. But it really wasn't what I thought.
The song easily creates a picture. The verses give the feeling that you're standing somewhere up high, looking down on a busy city. The chorus gives a falling feeling, like an endless fall off a cliff or building. Specifically, it feels like one of those moments where someone is falling (to their death?) and the scenes of his/her life flashes before his/her eyes. Perhaps the title has something to do with it. Perhaps this music video has something to do with it. Perhaps its my subconscious reviewing my own life. But this is what the song makes me picture.
I really had no intention of watching this movie, especially not on the opening day when there would be line ups. I had told a friend that I wasn't free until after 9pm, expecting that she would complain that it's too late and give up and find someone else to go with her. To my surprise, she suggested we go for the 10pm show. =_= Regardless, I guess it was a typical Bond movie. A chase after the criminal from beginning to end. Entertaining enough, I guess.
I never knew Mrs M. Nor have I met her. She was merely a person that I always heard about.
I still remember how back in high school M often told us about her family situation. Her parents were separated. Her mother was in Montreal. Her father was in Israel. She lived with her sisters and their families. M had a really good relationship with her sisters, but the in-laws never treated her well.
On and off, M told us bits and pieces. Every now and then, M would get into arguments with the in-laws. Every now and then, she would "run away".
Eventually, M ended up living with other relatives. Although, perhaps, they treated her better, I know she hated being away from her nieces and nephews.
It was only in recent years that Mrs M actually came into the picture. Every now and then, M would drive up to Montreal and meet with Mrs M and her brother. Every time, she would post pictures of the good times she had with them.
It's been too short. They deserve so much more. They deserve more time with each other, to make up for all the lost time.
Prayers for M and her family.
Be strong, M. You've been through a lot. You can get through this. And we're all here for you.
Physically, something doesn't feel right tonight. I don't know what, but there's a certain dullness or heaviness. It feels so awkward that I don't even want my coffee/tea tonight. Perhaps it's psychological, because it's been stressful lately. But, sometimes, I can't help but wonder if there really is something wrong with my body. After all, I am somewhat predisposed.
Mentally, I'm exhausted. This particular job is getting to be really stressful. (Or, this type of job/work really isn't for me, because it seems to stress me out every single time. Perhaps it's because I really don't feel confident doing this type of work.) It seems I'm expected to finish up with this soon, but there seems to be quite a lot left to do. On top of that, I have three other files to finish this week and things are starting to come in for one of my upcoming jobs. And now, in addition to all this, I have my performance review to write. In light of the upcoming performance review, I need to make sure the raise I got was earned. Can't afford to slack off or make mistakes now.
Emotionally, my mind is all over the place. My emotional world has been thrown into turmoil again. Every now and then, I tell myself I'm going to do this or that and I'm going to set my mind to it. And then, out of nowhere, something will come along and completely overturn what I was setting out to do. Clearly, over this past weekend, this has happened again. Something has caused me to re-think everything all over again. Whether that's for better or for worse, I just don't know.
When I opened up FB this morning, a fellow fan from the forums had posted this video. When I read the title, I thought I misread something. I had to read it again to make sure I wasn't confusing my Chinese characters.
HOCC is out.
*shock*
Having followed her career for the last 10+ years, the fact that she's les is nothing new at all. You'd have to be pretty stupid to not know or suspect. But the fact that's she's actually come out to the world is.
Or at least somewhat.
Over the last few days, hocc's posted a lot of things in relation to HK Pride and the legislative issues that have happened over the week. It's the first time she's been so actively and openly posting and writing about these issues. If you've been a die hard fan long enough like me, it's pretty easy to notice that something is going on. When her name started appearing as a guest for the parade, I already figured this was going to happen.
But, still, it's still quite shocking to see it happen for real. After watching her strategically evade the questions and comments all these years, this is definitely still quite unreal.
As I watched all this unfolding these past few days, I was reminded of things from the forums.
Many years ago, when the forums were still very active, there were some controversial discussions when 勞斯萊斯 was released. For the most part, fans were not surprised about what she was doing and were quite supportive. But one discussion on one of the more popular English forums caught some attention.
Someone had commented that it was a stupid move for hocc to so openly and obviously bring homosexuality into her song and musical. Yes, it was already done before, but much more subtly, since most people do not understand what 露絲瑪麗 and 再見露絲瑪麗 are talking about. This particular fan also commented that hocc was almost throwing out her career by doing this.
I guess this became controversial because hocc, herself, came and commented, and was a little angered by the comment. And, naturally, a lot of fans would echo what hocc said.
I no longer remember the details of that discussion. I tried to find it again today, but it appears that the forum no longer exists.
What did I think way back then? I don't remember. But I was in no position to comment. There were other more important things at stake for me.
What do I think now?
Perhaps this is the right time. After the events in the legislative council this past week, the gay/les community needs a strong voice like hocc more than ever. Now, in this day and age, after all these years, she has the power to do it. Hocc has already established herself and her career to a point where coming out to the public probably won't affect anything. If anything, the world loves her even more now.
I can no longer remember exactly who's blog it is, but I know it's one of the old-timers from the forums. It basically sums up what I think. If you were following hocc back then, chances are you've become silent but have never left and have always been watching.
HOCC, you make us proud.
After all this, what I'm curious to know is what the fan that made the controversial comment then thinks. Did she watch all this unfold? What does she think now?
I guess, looking back, I can see why she made those comments. As she once said, it's better to play it safe until the right time comes, than to risk losing everything.
*sigh*
You're right. Playing it safe probably made sense and was much more rational than jumping into the situation. Perhaps things could have turned out a lot worse.
Except...I don't know what would have happened if I didn't listen...but I do know that playing it safe has cost me everything......
When I was packing up to leave the client's office yesterday, I thought I lost something. It's not anything fancy or expensive, but it's important to me.
I looked all around the table and floor in the boardroom but still couldn't find what I was looking for. Seeing as I was being kicked out of the office so that they could lock up, I had to leave it.
This morning, when I arrived at the client's office again, I retraced my steps. At one spot, I remembered I accidentally dropped my stuff yesterday.
It was right underneath the filing cabinets.
Phew.
What am I referring to? A mechanical pencil.
While I was taking notes in pharm class one day way back then, the person with me was rummaging through my stuff. She noticed the pencil I was using was slightly cracked down the side. The other one in my bag was rather heavy.
So, right away, she insisted I use hers instead and, of course, told me to keep it.
Ever since, I've written every exam with this pencil.
It's a black mechanical pencil with a silver clip. Nothing interesting. Nothing fancy. After I've used it so much, the cap is rather loose. In fact, it doesn't want to stay on. Half the time, I take off the cap so that it won't fall off when I'm writing.
