或者...我做錯了......

When we were still just friends, X once asked me, "If you fell in love with someone, would you tell them?"

At the time, I did not have an answer, because I had never really consciously fallen in love with anyone.  All I could give was a hypothetical answer.

If I fell in love with someone, I would tell them.  Yes, there is always the chance of getting rejected, but how would you ever know if you didn't try?

That was my answer.  Whether or not I would actually have the guts to do it is a different issue.

Whenever I think about the time she asked me this, I feel guilty.  She had struggled in deciding whether or not to approach me.  And I played a part in making it worse for her.

And now I've done it again to a second person.

X was very bold.  She never took the step of telling me that she liked me or how she felt.  She just went ahead and acted on it.  Perhaps it was because she knew (probably even before I did) that I had already fallen for her.  Perhaps it was because our relationship was already at an almost intimate stage without either of us clearly acknowledging it.  Although it was still hard to believe at that moment, deep down I had already known for quite some time.  I had never acknowledged it because I was afraid to let it happen.  Perhaps at some point I was confused.  How could I be falling for this person?  Someone who's lived such a different life from me?  A girl?  But after that initial shock and confusion, what prevented me from acknowledging her feelings for me (and my feelings for her) was the fact that I knew that I was going to get myself into a lot of sh*t with my family and this would eventually have a bad ending.

Perhaps I was wrong.  It was selfish of me to think like that.  If I had acknowledged the relationship earlier, she would not have had to go through her struggles for so long.  She was brave, but I know I really tormented her by not being responsive to her hints.  If I had acknowledged it earlier, we would have had more time together.  Perhaps, things could have been different.  Perhaps, things would be different now.

I'm sorry.

I'm not sure how all this happened with V this weekend.  Perhaps it was simply that I pushed for an answer to what I thought was a simple question and got a rather unexpected answer.  It was strange to put this on the table, but again, I had already known what was going on for quite some time.  I had never acknowledged it because (1) I wasn't completely sure, (2) I had no idea how to acknowledge it and (3) the answer is one she probably doesn't want to hear.  Life is way too complicated right now.  I cannot afford to bring anyone into my life.  Practically, it's impossible with all the restrictions that exist.  It just wouldn't be fair to anyone to have to live under my restrictions.  I did it to one person already and I made her suffer.  I cannot do it to anyone else.  Emotionally, my heart is still out there, with someone else.  I would never start a relationship with anyone that I could not fully give my heart to.  I would be betraying everyone, including myself.

But perhaps, again, I was wrong.  I was selfish.  If I had acknowledged this earlier and explained my position, perhaps it would have been easier on her.  Although she never had the courage to say it until now, I should have made things clear earlier and broken it off.  It's tough to have feelings for someone and have to keep a distance.  I know.

I'm sorry.

I never meant to hurt either of you...