Here we go again......

I really have no energy to argue anymore.  Before we even start, I've already lost, because you refuse to listen or believe anything.  Before we even start, you've already determined that I'm wrong and you're right.  What more can I say?

Sometimes, there are things I don't say because I don't want you to worry.  I'd rather handle it myself and save you a little bit of stress and worry.  The same goes for this time.  I left out a few details so you wouldn't get worried.  But, to my disappointment, all you care about is to accuse me of lying to you.  My safety was never your concern.  I didn't tell the entire story, but I did not lie.

You can accuse me of whatever and I'll swallow it.  But you've exceeded my limits when you bring back the past.  At that point, it's over.  I have absolutely no interest in talking to you.

A while ago, I was just thinking how this topic hasn't come up or been hinted at in a long time.  A part of me was almost starting to believe that maybe things could change.

Why would I be stupid enough to think that?

This time you said it.  You said you don't ask where I go or who I'm with because you don't want to know.  I knew that all along.  You're still afraid that, one day, you'll find out (again) that there's a girl out there.

But there isn't.  And you're accusing me of things that aren't true at all.  So why the f**k am I hesitating to do the things I want to do when, in the end, you're going to hate me anyway?

I wish there was someone.  Then, at least, even if you hate me, it would be somewhat worthwhile.  At least I'd have something.

There is nothing.  I can't fix things with you because you still think she's out there.  I can't fix things with her because you're dangerous to her.  So there's me, myself and I.  Drowning.  Neither here nor there.  What the f**k have I done with my life?  Why the hell am I even alive?  I really don't see a point.

I have always hoped that one day you would ask me about her and want to understand.  But you never have, and I doubt you ever will.

I've always hoped that one day she would give me a sign.  But she hasn't, and perhaps I've already lost the chase.

The conversation with one of my bosses about his daughter (Courtney) was very interesting tonight......

"Remember Alex?  Courtney's friend who worked at the office two years ago?  Well, they're engaged."

I remember Courtney.  I remember hearing from a coworker that she got engaged to someone named Alex. But I didn't remember who Alex was until now......

Alex is a girl.

"Courtney's a lesbian.  She and Alex are engaged."

I think he sensed that some people were a little shocked.  I thought that was the coolest thing in the world.

"It really doesn't matter who you're with, as long as you find the right person.  Alex is a great kid.  Courtney's really happy with her.  So they got engaged.  And that's awesome."

He said it as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

And I was truly impressed.

After leaving the venue, I set out for a drive again.  Anything to stay out longer.  This time, I realized I really don't have anywhere to go now.  Although my drives were somewhat aimless before, now I don't even know which direction I should go.

I thought about what my boss said while I was driving.  It was such a contrast to the arguments I had just had a few hours earlier.

And that was the trigger... ='(

Why can't you understand like that?

Perhaps...it's time for me to seriously consider my options......