Shutter

Because my family is looking to buy a few items, I was browsing through the Boxing Day flyers.  There are things that I want or would like, but none of them are things that I actually need.  Being me, I have no intention of spending on things that I don't need, unless it's something that I really really want.

Perhaps there is one thing......

Over the last few days, I guess the one thing that I have been doing is taking pictures.  The icy scenery outside is simply mesmerizing.  Who knows?  Perhaps we will never see the same kind of scenery again in our lifetime.  I guess this has sort of re-kindled my interest in photography.

For many years, I've loved to take pictures.  Mostly of scenery, landscapes, architecture, nature.  But as time has passed, it seems that I've sort of lost interest in it, for various reasons.  I've been talking about buying an SLR for years, and it still hasn't happened.  With all the beautiful things outside, and the sales going on now, a part of me is tempted to do it.

There is, perhaps, another motivation.  Through certain sources, I know that someone else has taken up some amount of photography.  How could I not be curious?

The packages on sale these days look very tempting.  I don't need anything too fancy, but I'd like something that would give me enough to play with, learn, and get some decent prints.

Tallied up my spendings this month and there's already $1,250 worth of "gifts".  Perhaps now is not the time to splurge on myself.

I may not be able to take in all the moments with you, but maybe I can capture them and share them with you when the time comes.

Or, this is just my wishful thinking, as usual.

*sigh*

Another Christmas

Throughout the day, I've received numerous messages with Christmas greetings.  It's always nice to see that people remember you and are thinking about you.  I'm very grateful for the amazing family and friends that I have.

I suppose it feels extra Christmas-y around here this year after the ice storm.  The entire city is covered in a layer of ice, making everything shine and glisten.  The scenery amazes me but, at the same time, that heaviness seems extra strong.

Where are you tonight, my friend?

Are you at a church somewhere?

Or sitting alone quietly at home?

What are you thinking tonight?

What are you feeling tonight?

Home is where the heart is.

My thoughts.

Your words.

Need I say more?

Merry Christmas, my dear friend.

[..............]......forever and a day.

Ellen Loo - V Live

For the last month or so, the live CD of this show is what I've got playing on repeat day in and day out.  I must say that I really enjoy listening to this show.  (In fact, I've been listening to this much more than hocc's Recollections album.)

It's been a long time since I've found a CD that I can say I "enjoy" listening to.  At first, I was a little disappointed that most of the songs sound the same as the album versions.  After all, Ellen and Eman are always doing amazing covers and re-arrangements.  But as I listened to it more and more, it really didn't matter so much.  It's just so enjoyable that you can't help but tap along.

Hopefully, some day, I'll get to see her perform live (again).

Tongue Tied

It seems that no matter how much time I give myself, I can never quite find the right words to express the things I need/want to say.  Regardless, it's all said and done (again).

For some reason, after the fact, I realized the dangers of what I had just done.  Perhaps, all this time, this was never a good idea.  Good or not, maybe my actions have never even achieved their intended purpose.  I have no way of knowing.  But, then again, because I don't know, there's no reason for me not to.  At least, I can hope.

The truth is...what I really want/need is not words.

Words are redundant.

But they're all I have.

Metamorphosis

In light of my findings, I think it's time for a little tree hopping.

I don't know if this place is serving its purpose, but I do know it's doing something that I never really intended.  I'm not so sure I like that, especially since things have turned in a direction I never expected.

Regardless, the show must go on, just in a slightly different way.  I still need to vent.  I still need to rant.  But, perhaps, some things can be (and should be) kept out of the light, or at least presented in a more suitable way.

No tracks.  No clues.

Find me if you can.

Broken Glass in the Sand

As I looked at the date the other night, out of desperation, I searched for something.

I've done this so many times already.  I never really expect to find anything, because 99% of the time nothing has ever shown up.  For the most part, I know that some things don't want to be found.  They are purposely out of (my) sight, not meant to be found.

But there is one thing that always gives it away.

And I'm taking advantage of it.

This time I got a hit.

How is it that it's taken me so long?

Forgive me for taking advantage of the loophole, but this is all I have left.  This is the only way for me to know.

But the things I see are killing me.

It's been too long.  It's like I don't know anything anymore.  I'm not quite sure what all the references are.  I'm not quite sure if I'm interpreting the right things.  Am I reading into it too much?

But there are some things that I can clearly see...

The pain.
The sorrow.

This is not the way it's supposed to be.
This is not what I wagered for.

This is what I never want to see.

Please...

Let me sit with you for a while.

Familiar Places

It's been a long long time since I've traveled this route.  This subway trip that I used to make every day now seems so incredibly foreign.  There was music playing on my earphones, but I don't think I heard any of it.  My mind was somewhere else.

My end stop tonight was the same one that it used to be.  I stepped into an area and noticed the place looked different.  There were new seats.

A certain scene replayed in my head.  On a day way back when, I surprised the person that was trying to surprise me.

In the distance, I could see the place that was once my haven.  Where is it now?  Every time I pass by, I wonder who's inside.  Is it still the same place that I once knew?

As I made my journey tonight, a little friend was hidden in my bag.
Along with him was a card intended for his master.

If only I could take both to their rightful owners...

Drifting Friends

Very strange dream last night......

I saw a friend.

She was lonely.

She was crying.

Things didn't go the way she expected.

I don't know why this image appeared in my dream.

Perhaps it's a bit of my own projection about this person. 

Perhaps it's me feeling a little guilty about the way things turned out.

Perhaps it's me feeling empathy for this person.

I might not know very much, but I trust that the person that I've come to know is a good person.  There's not much I can do, but I hope that she knows she has my support.

Writing on the wall

There's something about written words that make them very powerful.  Perhaps it's because they are more "permanent" than spoken words.  Perhaps it's because they take more time and effort.

I know that I am much more sensitive to written words than to the things I hear.  I learn better from reading a book than listening to a lecture.  I often find more meaning in things I read than things I hear.  Written words give you the chance to read between the lines.  I am also much more of a writer than a talker.  I've never been a good speaker, whether it's academically, professionally or personally.  Me on paper is probably very different from me in person.

I started writing many years ago, simply out of the need to vent and the desire to write down thoughts.  Keeping a physical copy was too dangerous, as I've learned from experience.  This, blogging, was a better choice.  It's out there, but it's not.  It's recognizable if you've been following, but most will never know about it and never know if they did.

Years ago, because of things I wrote, I attracted the attention of a stranger.  This stranger became my loyal reader and eventually started leaving comments.  The comments were thoughtful and clever, but most importantly, thought provoking and inspiring.  It didn't take long for me to figure out who the stranger was.  In a way, we started out as "penpals", and for the rest of however long we had together, writing was very much the way that we connected.  Writing got us through the times when we couldn't see each other.  Writing let out all those things that were too difficult to say in person.  Writing, so many times, brought us to tears.

But at the same time, words can be dangerous.  Written words have no tone and no explanations.  They are open to interpretation and your audience can easily interpret something entirely different from what you intended.  That, perhaps, has gotten me into trouble too many times.

Today, I had the opportunity to read a letter.  The letter was not for me, but I was given permission to read it.  The letter revealed a lot of things that I never knew about before.  It was touching, but also somewhat worrying.

It's amazing how much more people are willing to say in writing.  It's amazing how much more honest people are willing to be in writing.  I guess I already knew that, because that is exactly what I'm doing: writing the things I do(n't) want to talk about.

Why do I write?  In the beginning, it was to vent and remember things.  Then, at some point, it became a special way of communicating with a special person.  Now, I don't know anymore.  Perhaps I'm back to venting.  But, deep down, ultimately, I still hope that my anonymous reader will someday return.

The First Snow

I walked out into a snow covered parking lot tonight.  The cold air was refreshing, but what caught my attention more was the dark sky and the scattered street lights.

For a moment, my mind went blank.  Or not completely.

Such a cold, dark place.  The loneliness.  The emptiness.  The void.  Everything seems to hit you all at once.

Look around.  There's nothing to see.  Just darkness and emptiness.

The wind howls.  You need to fight the cold.  Alone.

The drifting snow.  Why is it no longer that peaceful scene that I once loved?

Everything seems to serve as a reminder that I still have a long uphill battle to fight.

It gets me every time.

And I hate this depressing feeling.

Happy 40th?

A post about this event showed up on my FB wall recently.

Speechless.

It turns out that this year is Monchhichi's 40th anniversary.

It seems that something has come together in my mind.  It wasn't just the cute face, or the open arms.  There was something else.

My little friend is still tucked away in a dark corner.  What about his twin?  Are they still telepathically connected?  Have they forgotten each other?  Do they resent each other?  Will they ever reunite?

I wish they'd talk to me.

Look at all those life-sized Monchhichi.  You were happy like a kid in the playground when we were in a room full of cars.  I'd give anything to see you in a room full of monkeys.  It would be priceless.

So......

Where did my life-sized Monchhichi go?

Hello again

A while ago, I met up with two friends.  We met up at the mall, but ended up sitting down at the food court and just chatting.  About everything and anything.

Somehow or other, we ended up talking about a friend of theirs.  That person, C, I had met a few times a few years ago and we did all go to the same high school, but I really wouldn't consider her a friend.  I did not like her then, and having seen her again once or twice again last year, I probably dislike her even more.

My friend was telling us how she called C once and C was pissed off.  C gave my friend sh*t because she hadn't met up or called C in an about a month.  C said she was wondering if they were still friends.

To put things in perspective, this is the first time I've seen my friend since July.  I probably only see her about three times a year.  She lives outside of the city and it's about an hour drive to get here.  She works two jobs, including some night shifts.  She does not live an easy life, and never has.

And this person, C, is giving her crap?

The C that I know, on the other hand, has spent three years in Japan and traveling in Asia.  I don't know where she gets the money to do it, but as far as I know she's never even had a proper job.  She thinks she's better than everyone else and forces her extreme green/environmental ideas on the whole world.  So much so that most of the people in their group of friends is annoyed by her.  So much so that she made someone cry.  So much so that she outright put my friend down.

Somebody needs a reality check.

Being friends is not about how many times you talk or meet up.  If we're friends, I'm confident that even if we don't talk or don't meet up for a long long time, nothing's going to change.  We can still talk and laugh about everything and anything as if we just talked yesterday.  We can talk sh*t with each other and nobody cares because we all know what the real deal is.  Life is busy.  I may not know all the things you've been up to, and you may not know everything about my past.  We all have our own set of responsibilities and it might be harder to meet up sometimes.  But that's okay.  Nothing will change.

Crawling through the work week...

Day in.  Day out.  This week has been way too long and I'm getting tired.  But there's still another work day.

There's a new girl at work.  A girl to temporarily replace the person who's on maternity leave.  I normally don't care much about that, but this girl just came to TO from the UK.  So, of course, she has the most charming British accent.  She's been here for such a short period of time that she even uses all the British terms and phrases.  Perhaps I have a weak spot for all that.

I guess I'm supposed to be excited about the news I received today.  Whatever hard work I've put in at the office this past year has paid off.  This is exactly what I was expecting, so it wasn't that much of a surprise.  It seems that the people around me are more excited than I am.  I'm grateful for what I have.  It's a lot better than what a lot of people have.  But, in the end, there's other things that I care more about.

Things are happening left, right and center.  It seems I've somehow become stuck in the midst of it all.  So much so that I haven't gotten anything done this week.  Not good.

TGIF?  Although, sometimes I don't know if weekends are better or worse.

In need of a nice long break away from all this craziness.

Memento 2013

For whatever reason, this concert wasn't all that appealing to me.  From the clothing to the rundown to the entire presentation, it really didn't get me excited as the previous shows.  But then again, to be fair, I'd say the online videos don't do it justice.  There must be so much more to see on the stage so that the whole thing fits together and makes sense.

Every time hocc has a big concert I wish I could watch it.  I'm not sure how feasible it would ever be for me to go to HK to watch a concert, but I do wish she would come and do a show here.  It would never be the same, but still good.

Having said that, a part of is not so sure I really want that to happen.

I only want to watch a hocc concert with one person.  Otherwise, I'd rather not watch.

Twice, I've watched shows with someone else.  Both times a mistake.  As much as I long for the chance to see a live show, there's just no way I can fully enjoy the show without my partner in crime.  In the end, it almost becomes a ruined experience.

I've always said to myself that when the chance comes, I would buy the best tickets I can get and take a chance.

But...

It appears that I don't even know how to do that anymore.

Epitome

Another very strange dream last night.

Perhaps there's been way too much talk about weddings and what not lately.  Potentially, there are four weddings that I'm supposed to go to next summer.  Chances are I will willingly go to one and be forced to go to another.  That's more than I can handle.  The other two are not all that important.

I dreamed of a wedding...

A very surprising one...

But, one that I'd definitely like to see happen.

I've had a lot of crazy dreams over the years, but none like this.

It would take a miracle, but I guess I naively believe in miracles.

Or...at least I want to believe this one.

The English World

While listening to the radio a while ago, the DJ was talking about the christening of Prince George.  They went on to talk about how Prince William and Kate Middleton had picked their university friends, instead of other members of the royal family, to be the godparents of their son.

It turns out that the they went to the University of St. Andrews.

If there's a place in Europe that I really want to go to.  This would be it.

There's so much I want to see...
So much I want to know...

Exchange

There's two new items on your list.

Watches.

I took a closer look at one of them.  It has all the things you said you like in watch.  Analog.  White background.  Black numbers. Second hand.  And even an alarm.

And then that chest squeeze hit me.

I still remember you were showing me all the accessories you had.  Watches.  Rings.  Cuff links.  Everything I could imagine and more.  You had asked me to pick something to keep.

I hesitated, because I knew these were things dear to you.  How could I just take it from you?  But I knew why you offered and was touched.

Your offer meant a lot to me.  You were telling me that I was important to you.  You trusted me to keep your prized possessions safe.  You wanted me to take a piece of you and keep it close to me.  It was a subtle way for you to stay by my side.

You picked out a watch for me.  It was the first watch that you bought for yourself with the money you made from your first job.  Much more than I was ever deserving of.

In return, you asked for something of mine.  I didn't have much to give you.  I gave you a ring that I wore at the time.  I gave you another ring that I bought which didn't quite fit.  I gave you a bracelet that had my name engraved in it.  The rings didn't even fit your fingers, but you still wanted them.  The bracelet had my name on it and had a broken clasp, but you tried to wear it all the same.

For certain reasons, I had to give the watch back to you.  But you said that the watch would always belong to me.

What about now?  Is it still mine?  Would you still let me have it?

IMUL

Veronika Decides to Die

A few months ago, a FB post somewhere referred to this video, "Veronika Decides to Die", a movie made based on Paulo Coelho's book.  I had wanted to read the book first, but seeing as there is a lot of other reading for me to do in other areas, I went straight to the movie.

I had read brief summaries of the book.  All I knew was it was about a girl who seemed to have everything but decides to commit suicide.  I expected the movie to show what her successful life was like and then show whatever leads to her suicide, but that was not the case at all.  The movie starts with her committing suicide, and then shows how she deals with not dying and being put into a mental asylum.

I guess the movie talks about conforming or not conforming, about being different, about what you want versus what people want for you.  It talks about learning to live, when you find out that you're going to die.  Obviously, it goes into the topic of insanity.

I wish I could "live".

You need quite a bit of patience to watch this movie.  It's more internal than anything.  There never seems to be very much going on that you can see.  Anyhow, an interesting enough watch.  Sarah Michelle Gellar playing the main character was a bonus.  Plus, lots of thought-provoking quotes.

"In our society, we feel we must be happy.  If'we're not happy, we feel hopeless.  We feel like failures."

"Sometimes, being away from everyone, even loved ones, can help people get calm."

"In order to lose someone, you must first experience authentic attachment."

While trying to find the quotes again, I found other quotes from the book, itself.  This one particularly caught my attention:

"Don't be embarrassed about being loved.  I am not asking you for anything."

So similar to words that I've heard......

Just received...

Every few months I buy a couple of CD's.  Generally, it's HOCC, Chet Lam and AT17 (or Ellen or Eman).  There hasn't been anything else recently that I've liked enough to buy regularly.  Or maybe it's just my nostalgia getting to me.  Nothing else compares.

And here's the latest batch...all purchased from Chet Lam's site...because it comes autographed and limited edition...

Dream On Live DVD - Hopefully, I can watch this on the big TV and new sound system this weekend.  Although, doing so without interruptions is probably impossible.

One Magic Cabaret - Limited edition and only available on Chet Lam's site.  Came "free" with the DVD.  There are two or three songs there that I'm looking forward to.

三種幸福 - This is an old one from 2007.  I couldn't get it then because my credit card would never go through for whatever reason.  Finally.  Also a limited one.  Love the package.  Nice cover and the lyrics are each printed on a Polaroid style card.

Opening a CD or DVD package and looking at all the things inside is still one of the things that make me smile.  You never know really know what's inside.  The best part is reading what the artists' write, especially when it's their explanation of the message or theme.  Look at the lyrics.  Look at the credits.  None of this can be replaced by an MP3.

Now...if only I could share the moment with someone who gets it......

Charity

On the way home from work the other day, I walked into the subway station and noticed that there were kids collecting change.  While I looked for a token, I finally heard what they were saying.  The kids were collecting change, raising money for some program that gives kids breakfast.

I think there were three kids.  Each one held a container trying to collect change from all the people passing through.  From the time I stepped into the station to the time I passed the kids, I did not see a single person give them anything.

Considering it was rush hour on a weekday, a lot of people were passing through.  On top of that, this is a station in one of the busiest commercial areas in the city.  Lots of wealthy and professional people work in the area.  How come not one person is willing to spare some change?

I gave one of the kids a loonie and her response...

"Oh my god! Thank you! High five!"

So with a dollar, I helped a kid do her job, and helped whatever other kid is going to get a healthy breakfast.  Why not?

Over the last week, I've run into kids raising money quite a few times.  This kid in the subway station raising money for breakfast for needy kids.  One of my boss' kids raising money for their school.  Another little kid outside of the supermarket raising money for I can't even remember what.  I'm not rich, but in total I probably gave about $10.  It's not much, but at least I gave something.

I guess it hits a weak spot in me when it's a kid asking for donations.  After all, back then, I was one of them too: selling raffle tickets, selling chocolate, asking for sponsors, etc.  It was never easy.  So, now that I can afford to, why not?

So...since it's Thanksgiving this weekend...what am I thankful for?

Being able to give.

Next Steps

Weeks ago we did our first "formal" performance reviews at work.  Formal, in the sense that we had to fill out forms and have a meeting and talk about it.

So what was achieved in the 1.5 hours of discussion?

Probably not very much.

The process was intimidating.  After all, in the almost two years that I've worked full time, we've never done this before.  But, regardless, I am quite aware of what happens in the office and have always had a pretty good idea of where I stand.

In the 1.5 hour discussion with two of my bosses, everything was rather predictable.  There was nothing negative.  There was nothing that I didn't expect to hear.

I can do the work.  I can do the work faster and more accurately than a lot of people.  I can step up to the challenges.  I can take something and run with it.  That, I've proven a long long time ago.  I know that.  They know that.  I've always known why I'm the one that ends up with more work to do than others.  As unfair as it seems sometimes, I've always known that it's a good sign.  The only difference is that it's now been mutually confirmed.

The unanswered question:

Where do I go next?

Clearly, I have some value to this office.  They want me to stay and want to convince me that there are future opportunities here.  But is that really the case?  Considering there are a group of people that are ready to retire, and a group of people that could move up, I guess the potential is there.  But, as some say, if I stay at a small firm for too long, I may ruin my chances to go to bigger places.

In all honesty, I have no interest in going to a bigger place.  The environment is not for me.  I know that I'd be more comfortable in a smaller office like now.  But would that be limiting?

There is also a title issue.  It's been two years.  I'm about to get my third salary raise, but in terms of title I'm still the lowest of the professional staff, just like all the newest people in the office.  I can see my work load and responsibilities increasing, but I still need some sort of title change to make it all transferable to other places.  And I don't see this happening.

A lot of people are starting to jump ship.  Is it time I did the same?

Furniture

For the Nth time, my folks are trying to get in the process of renovating the kitchen.  It's been so-called in the works for years, and maybe this time it'll actually happen.  For what it's worth, I gave up all my time these past to days to this.  Tiring, and really not of much use to me.  In fact, I could have got a lot of reading done if not for this.

Anyhow.  It's all part of the deal.  This is one of my roles and I need to play it, and play it well.  It's all I have to counter anything that goes against me.

I hate furniture shopping.  It brings up things of the past and puts my future into question.

In a way, furniture is a very private thing.  It's open for the public to see, but is a direct reflection of the homeowner's taste and style.  Whether or not your home is inviting and comfortable all depends on how you put it together.

I don't remember exactly when it was that she asked for my opinion about her home.  She wanted to re-paint the walls.  So she showed me the paint colours she had picked out.  She told me how she wanted to switch around the furniture, and all the reasons for how she planned it out.  She wanted to buy a new sofa; one that would be long enough to lie down on.  The way she talked about it with me was almost like I lived there.

(Even though I didn't live there, I had my own seat on the sofa.  She said she always sat on the one side, because the other seat was reserved for me.  I could do whatever I wanted there; sprawl on the ground, lie on the sofa/coach, and even sleep in her bed.)

Unfortunately, the only part I ever got to see was the moving around of the existing furniture.

Whenever we look at home decor, my folks are always telling me I should re-furnish my room.  I've always brushed it off saying that it would be a big project that I don't want to deal with right now.  That is true, but not my main reason for saying no.

The main reason: why spend all the money (whether mine or theirs) to do renovations when potentially I will be moving out?

Ultimately, when I look at furniture and home decor, I imagine what I would do if I had my own place.  At this point, that is probably what I want most, because moving out opens the doors to a lot of other things.

My place.  My space.  My life.

Of course, a lot easier said than done.

Financially, it probably is possible.  It may be difficult, but manageable.  Relative to other things, this really is not a big issue.

The approval is the extremely challenging part.  What kind of feasible reason do I have for moving out?  Absolutely nothing.  Realistically, the only feasible reason is if I found a really good job in a completely different city.  But moving to another city would sort of defeat my purposes, so not necessarily the way I want it.

There are HUGE implications to whatever reason I can think of.  Regardless of what reason I give, the conversation (but really, it would be an argument) is all going to come back to one and only one thing: there must be a girl somewhere out there.

I wish that were true.  Then, at least, all the stress would be worthwhile.

A place of my own.

Years ago I wrote that in connection with a picture I found.  There was no need for words, because my reader immediately knew exactly what I meant.

Here I am, years later, still trying......

Healing

A very unlikely article on Lifehacker caught my attention the other day:
The Things Nobody Tells You About Grief

I've never really lost someone very close to me to death.  The one time it did happen, I was too young to really feel it.  But grief can arise from a lot of other reasons.

The article gives some good pointers about what to expect and what you can do for people who are experiencing grief, for whatever reason.  Interesting enough read.

But what caught a lot of people's attention, and mine:

"To finish, the biggest fallacy statement that gets bounced around is 'time heals'.  You learn to live with it. One of the worst pressures was thinking that by a certain date, I should be healed. Time lessens the sting; but for the griever, it’s almost a prison sentence without parole. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. You just have to get up each morning and hope something gives you a glimmer that gets you through the day."

How many times have I been told that "time heals"?

No.  It doesn't.  You just eventually learn to tolerate it, numb yourself and live with it.  I'm not sure I've numbed myself enough.

But on the other hand, this is what drives my faith......

Perhaps the risks I'm taking are not big enough either.  Without wrecking havoc and causing chaos, I take risks, and try to move in the direction that I need/want to go.  I don't know if I'll ever be successful.  Maybe, in the end, I'll still be left with nothing.  But, I'm trying.  For what it's worth.

The only way to heal is to get to the end of the story.

Honesty

I recently read a post about the implications of being honest:
http://www.jamesaltucher.com/2011/10/7-things-happen-to-you-when-you-are-completely-honest/

To me, it wasn't a particularly good read, but it did make me think about honesty.

In one of the tree holes that I probably never should have found, I remember reading something about honesty.  It said that it's hard to be completely honest, whether it's to the people around you or to yourself.

Am I an honest person?  I dare not answer that question.

I dare say I try to be honest with the people around me.  But, sometimes, with some people, being honest is not the best choice.  It really depends on the situation and who you're interacting with.  I dare say that I try to be honest with the people around me, but I do not always give complete information.  I'm honest in what I say, but I don't need to tell you all the details.

Perhaps, there are some people around me that I'd like to say more to, but there's a fine line between telling you all the details about what I think of you and imposing my thoughts and beliefs onto you.  Unless circumstances call for it, perhaps it's a little better for me to keep my mouth shut.  There are some people that sometimes tick me off.  There are some people that I think could benefit from some changes.  There are some people that I care about more than they would ever know.

Am I honest to myself?  I'm not entirely sure what that means.  Over the years, through all the ups and downs, I've definitely understood myself more and become more aware of what I think and feel.  Am I honest to myself?  Perhaps not so much, and not enough.

It's hard to be honest.  It's difficult to tell people things that they probably don't want to hear.  It's difficult to force yourself to believe something that you know deep down is not true.

What do you do when you know the truth will hurt people?  Be honest?  Or tell a (white) lie?  When does it stop being a white lie and an outright betrayal?

The "magic" lies in the words you choose.  Be careful.  Tell the truth, but not all the truth.  Be honest, without revealing everything.

No.  I don't like it this way.  But sometimes that's the way it has to be to survive.

(If given the chance, there is one person that I want to try to be completely honest with.  After all the ups and downs, after having seen my strengths and weaknesses, goods and bads, there really is nothing I need to hide.  Nor do I want to leave anything unsaid, because you never know if there will ever be another chance.  Perhaps more importantly, because I trust this person more than I trust myself.)

蘇打綠 - 我好想你

開了燈 眼前的模樣
偌大的房 寂寞的床
關了燈 全都一個樣
心裡的傷 無法分享
生命隨年月流去 隨白髮老去
隨著你離去 快樂渺無音訊
隨往事淡去 隨夢境睡去
隨麻痺的心逐漸遠去
我好想你 好想你
卻不露痕跡
我還踮著腳思念
我還任記憶盤旋
我還閉著眼流淚
我還裝作無所謂
我好想你 好想你 卻欺騙自己
我好想你 好想你 就當做秘密
我好想你 好想你 就深藏在心

This song reminds me of 木紋. It's the way they use/emphasize that repeating theme/motif.  Both songs hit on certain things within me.  Both have that strange "power" to make things replay in my head, over and over again.

Need I say more?

IMUL.

9/23 - Still waiting for the perfect show...

Manual vs Automatic

Lately, there's been a couple people around me who have bought a new car, or leased a new car, or is looking to get a new car.  Somewhere along the way, discussions came up about manual vs automatic transmission and the newer manumatics.

When I first learned to drive, it was automatic.  At the age of 16, I really didn't understand why anyone would want to drive a manual.  Why all the extra trouble of the clutch and shifting gears?  Keep it simple.  Less work.  Automatic.  Nor did I have a choice at the time.

A few years later, I met someone who drove a manual.  I eventually found out why.  In her opinion, it was absurd that a car should be able to move on its own.  She wanted manual, so that she'd be in full control of what the car does.  (Although a part of me thought that was a bit extreme at the time, I guess these strong opinions were also part of the reason for the charm.)

She taught some of her friends to drive manual.  She tried to teach me.  I guess with a bit more practice I'd get the hang of it, but I really didn't like the responsibility that came with having her car in my hands.  If I broke her car, I'd never be able to pay for it.  (Although, of course, she would never let me pay for it if I did.)

While growing up as a kid, my aunt and uncle came up from the US every now and then.  They would always rent a car and go around on their own, sometimes taking me with them.  One of the things that had caught my attention was that they would always hold hands.  Always.  Often, even while my uncle was driving.  As a kid, in my mind, all I could think was, "Really?! How about keeping your hands on the wheel?!"

And then I got it.

When we went out, 90% of the time she would drive.  She was the more experienced driver.  She had a better sense of direction.  And, I guess, in some ways I was very much still a kid compared to her.  I don't know when it started, but every now and then, while she was driving, she would take my hand in hers......

Until she had to let go....

And shift gears.

=_=

One time, when this happened, she said that next time she bought a car she would not get manual, because then she could keep holding on and not let go.

I laughed.  Partly at the reason for choosing automatic.  But, of course, more so at the underlying message.

So this is the deciding factor between manual vs automatic.

I wonder what it is now?

Bargaining

After all this time, I finally finished watching season one of Lost Girl.  Despite having read various things about the show and watched random episodes form seasons two and three, it was still good, and I didn't know it would end the way it did.

In the last episode, one particular line caught my attention:

"You will grant what I want most in exchange for what I hold dearest."

In exchange for giving his strength to Bo to help her win a fight, Dyson had to sacrifice what he valued most.  At the time, he thought it was his wolf.  When the deal was made, his love/passion for Bo was taken from him.

More than once, someone mentioned the words "Risk what you treasure" to me.  Somewhere, some time, this same person wrote that if you're going to bargain with God, then you have to wager what you treasure most to do it justice.

In many ways, I've done what the writer did.  At times of desperation, I've wagered years of living, and even my life, for things that mattered more to me.

What is it that you want most?
What is it that you hold dearest?

What is it that you treasure?
What is it that you're willing to risk?

What I want most is what I hold dearest.
What I hold dearest is what I want most.
What I treasure is what I'm willing to risk.
What I'm willing to risk is what I treasure.

Can you bargain with God?  Inherently, you have to lose something, because almost all the time what you want most and what you treasure most are two aspects of the same thing.  All you're doing is giving up one aspect of it for another.

The writer wrote that her bargaining likely failed, because otherwise she wouldn't be alive.

Did I get my bargain?  I don't know.  Perhaps not.  Like the writer said, if it did then I probably wouldn't be alive.  But then again, maybe I did.  Because, inherently, based on my wager, I would never see what I wished for.

Distance

When I read this, I remembered something that someone had once said to me,

"我同你之間唔使咁客氣"

I knew what it meant.

We're close.  We're tight.  Our relationship is deeper than that.  No need to sweat the small things.

Or.  Actually.  It meant a lot more than that.

Whether I showed it or not, I understood that part too.

When I read this, I remembered writing a card to someone.  It was probably the first time that I deliberately bought a card for anyone.  Unfortunately, she was not entirely impressed by what I wrote.  Her comments were that given our relationship, what I wrote was "too distant" and "not enough".

That is, perhaps, one of my greatest regrets.  After all, I never officially got the chance to do it again.  My one chance, at a very important time, and I f**ked it up.

It's hard to judge what's too little and what's too much.  Perhaps I was a little behind at that point in time.  Perhaps I was still a little hesitant to take things any further.  Perhaps I lacked the courage to do more.

Cloudy Days

Perhaps the week ahead is looking crazy and that's bringing me down.  But what I see through the window has just clouded over all of that even more.

Somewhere sometime you wrote that a friend said it's "scary" to be your friend, because if you're no longer interested you can turn your back without regret, without looking back.  I guess I've experienced my share of that.  It still surprises me that you could be like that, but deep down, I don't believe that's you.  On the surface, those are the actions you've chosen.  But the you I know could never be so emotionless.  It's in you somewhere, just not on the surface.

What I see (again) now scares me even more.

What is going on?

What is it that I don't know?

And, now, it seems I don't even know how I could possibly even know.

It's scary, and it hurts, that you could walk away without a word.  But it scares me even more to see all the darkness around you and not know what's going on.

Please...I don't ever want anything to happen to you.

Two Way Street

"...the people I keep around are reflections of me.  There is a reason why I am so calculated when it comes to those I let in my life and my heart.  There is also a reason why my expectations are so high for those I let in.  I know me and the level of importance I put into each relationship.  The length and depth I would go usually is unbelievable.  I am not one to count numbers, I don't mind having one good relationship over ten half ass ones.  I am not a child and am pretty content with knowing as I get older the number will decrease.  I will never cut myself short for anyone.  I know what I can bring to the table."

- Yen

Saw this quote today and it caught my attention.  Not sure if the source or reference is right.  Not sure who that even is.  But it sort of is what I think.

If we're going to have any form of relationship, then that means I believe you're a good person.  I have a certain amount of care and respect for you, and I expect the same from you.  If I cannot get the feel that there will be reciprocity, then you're not worth my time and effort.

I'm not trying to be a snob.  That is never my intention.  If we're going to be friends, then I'm willing to go the extra mile for you and give a little more when it's appropriate for me to do so.  I don't expect anything in return.  But, when the time comes, and I really do need your help, I expect that you would not walk away.

Is that too much to ask for?

I've never had a lot of friends, but I'm pretty confident that the ones that I do have around me would not disappoint me.

當年今日

For various reasons, I drove the van to work today.  With no suitable CD's and no transmitter in the van, I resorted to the radio.  There was a radio segment called "當年今日"......

Aug 30th.

當年今日......

It was only the third time that we met, but there were a lot of firsts.

The first time we went somewhere together.
The first time we had dinner together.

The first time we walked together.

The first time we hugged.

The first time she made me cry.

當年今日......changed a lot of things.

Life Choices

Early in the year, I received news that a friend got engaged.  For the first time in my life, news of an engagement/wedding worried me.  It was just too strange and too unexpected.  It made me so uneasy that even though I didn't know the bride-to-be that well, I had to ask questions.  I had asked if this choice would be one that would make her happy. Of course, I never got any detailed answers, but I was in no position to dig deeper.

Today, months later, after the wedding, I finally saw this newly wed.  I congratulated her, but her response was not quite the one I would expect from a newly wed.  I (possibly inappropriately) asked if she was happy, and her reply was only okay.

Although I don't know this person that well, I'd still like to consider her a friend. The answers she gave me today, again, makes me kind of worry.  I don't know if it's appropriate for me to ask.  After all, I've probably seen this person no more than five times.  Regardless, I sincerely hope that she's made the right choice for herself.

On the other hand, seeing this person reminded me of the person on the other side.  What happened there?  It seems this person has just disappeared on us.  Again, maybe I don't know this person very well either, but we've had some good conversations in the past and I just want to know that things are okay.

In one of the books I read, there's a part where the mother asks the daughter, "Why be happy when you can be normal?"

I've asked myself this question numerous times.  Am I normal?  Clearly not.  Am I happy?  Could be better.  It seems I don't quite have either.  Perhaps....that is a problem.

Step Back

On my way home on the bus the other day, I looked through FB and noticed big news:  M got engaged.  I guess I knew this was coming sooner or later, but it was still pretty surprising.

Congrats, M.  I'm happy for you.  In the 10+ years that I've known you, you've been through a lot of rough times.  This, I'm sure, will be the beginning of your happy ending.  You deserve this, and so much more.

This is at least the third wedding that will be taking place next year.  This one, I cannot (and will not) turn down.  This one, I care about.  The other two, not so much.  I'm guessing there will be some, or even quite a bit, overlapping in two of these weddings.  After all, some of M's friends will be mutual friends of another bride and groom.  Potentially, we all have mutual friends.

I love and hate this type of news.  When I saw this yesterday, it made me think of something else.

R told me that C said she saw herself living alone and not having a family.  And then R asked me the same question.  I had said I could see it both ways.  I may be alone.  There may be a family.  Whatever that means.  Who knows.

Do I want to be alone?  Trustfully, who does?  Nobody.  I'm not afraid of being alone.  I know that, relatively speaking, I'm very capable.  I can take care of myself.  But when I see people around me that don't have a family and are starting to get old, I know I'd rather not be in that position.

Could there be someone else?  I don't have an answer to that question.  That encompasses too many other things.  Will I find someone I'm comfortable with?  Can I make it work?  Will I destroy other things in the process?  I just don't know.

But every time I see these engagements, weddings and what not, I feel a little more uncertain, a little more discouraged.

My stupid observations

It seems there aren't many clips from the show, but this one caught my attention, for two very stupid and totally irrelevant reasons:

1.  Her arms.

2.  Her tattoos.

Both are somewhat surprising.  Both have never really been revealed in the past.

Looked at some pictures from the show earlier.  On one of the pictures, somebody's comment was "swoon".  That seemed kinda funny.  But I would have to agree.

(Of course, the performance here is awesome too.  It's just that I got distracted.)

(This is not what I intended to write today.  But what I intended to write was much heavier and just not coming out properly.  So this will suffice.)

Triggers...

I've just spent the last hour searching.

Searching for what?
I'm not sure.

Something.
Anything.

But it seems that there's nothing to be found.

What the f**k am I doing?

8/25

At a dinner tonight, I was told that one of my distant cousins is three months pregnant.  Her grandparents were saying that they waited until now, three months later, to tell everyone.  This, of course, is in line with Chinese beliefs that if you break the news too early, the baby will be 小氣.

That triggered another memory in my mind......

Years ago, during the worst of times, we were chatting online.  I was getting a little annoyed that she was too slow to reply, but when she did, she explained that she was on the phone with her brother.  She excitedly told me that she was going to be an aunt.  Her brother's wife was pregnant.  It was the first time that I ever saw her get excited about anything that had to do with kids.

After congratulating her, I asked why her brother hadn't told her earlier.  She explained to me the whole thing about the baby being 小氣.  Of course, little me at the time didn't know stuff like that.  The baby was due for March, around the time of her birthday.

Unfortunately, things didn't last long enough for me to find out what happened after that.

Knowing that she doesn't like kids, I can't help but wonder what this baby is like.  I wonder how they interact.  I wonder what she would look like with this little baby in hand.  The image makes me want to laugh.

Wish I could have seen it all.

That "baby" would now be six years old already.

Time flies.

*sigh*

Ellen x HOCC @ V Live

Saw an old friend post about going to watch Ellen's V Live concert and couldn't help commenting/teasing/joking.

I complained that she always gets to watch all the shows I want to watch.  This being one of them.  I also complained that she just got to see the best combination of rockers: ellen x hocc.

Naturally, she absolutely understood what I was talking about and agreed with it all.  And like other times, I could tell she was having trouble containing her excitement about it all.

Hopefully they'll have a DVD for this.

I love watching Ellen.  I guess it's because she's another person that I've followed since the beginning, and I guess particularly so because she's practically exactly the same age as me.  You can really see how she's grown and improved over the years.  She's come a long way, and she's doing it right.

Whenever I listen to Ellen's music and notice how different it is from At17, I wonder if you're still listening.  You always said Ellen has a lot of potential.  So what do you think about her now?

I would have liked to watch this show with you......

Sum of the Parts

I've known this song since I was a kid.  It was a song I recognized at a very young age.  Other than that, I really didn't care.

Years and years later, when it is presented in front of me again, in a very different format, at a very different time, it's something very different.

Time changes things.
Experience changes things.
Growing up changes things.

And then there are some things that (will) never change.

For the first time, I read the lyrics of this song.  For the first time, it actually has meaning to me.

Perhaps, that's an unfortunate thing.

"有些人和事，過去了，離你而去了，不代表它們就此在你生命中消失了。現在的我們其實就是我們記憶的總和，好的壞的，曾經遇上過和經歷過的，統統隨著日子的洗禮，變成促進你成長的粒子，讓你變得更加明亮，又或一不小心，被磨滅了。"

Writing

A friend messaged me today to ask me an accounting question.  This is not someone I see often, maybe only once or twice a year.  This is not the type of person I would "hang out" with.  She's probably 10+ years older than me, married and has a son who's half way through high school.  So, on my reply, I casually asked her how she was doing lately.

Her reply was heartbreaking.  Her father had passed away last month.  I knew her father had been having health issues since last year, but I did not expect to hear this.

(This is the second death that I've heard about this week, both on the other side of the world.)

I wrote a very simple reply and sent my condolences, and she came back with this:

As the week continues to go downhill, this was one of the few things that I was grateful to see.

At least, when the people closest to me (that I spend most of my time caring for) give me shit and condemn me for stupid things, there are still people out there that appreciate my time, effort and good intentions.

Because, in the eyes of some people, I'll never be good enough, no matter how much I do.

I have a thing for words/writing.  Electronic will do.  But hand written is best.  It's one thing to hear someone say something to you, but quite another to see it written.

Perhaps it's nostalgia.

Memento

It wouldn't be me to not comment on this......

I have to admit, the first time hocc posted the picture, I didn't even recognize that's her and didn't even pay attention to it.  What the heck was she posting?

When the concert name and other things came up, it hit me.

Oh.  That's hocc.

Really?

After taking a closer look, it sank in.  Right.  That's hocc.

I must say I'm not used to seeing hocc in this kind of style.  Having followed along for the last 11 years, this is obviously not a style we're used to seeing.  I have my reservations about whether it looks good or not, but I do not necessarily object to it.

Personally, I love the rocker hocc who's different from everyone else.  There's really no other HK female artist who can pull it off as well as she can.  I'd say Ellen comes close, but for now, they're on different levels.  And all the other people that I thought might come close never really made it.  In my mind, this is not what hocc is supposed to look like.

But, this is not surprising at all.

The move is very typical hocc.  Nine months after she's come out and sort of "affirmed" her androgynous style, she does the complete opposite of what you're expecting.  (To prove the world wrong?)  I might not like the style, but I love that she does this.  Stir things up.  Give everyone surprises.  Step outside the box.

As we used to say on the forums, this is a cult.  You either love her or hate her.  There's nothing in between.

Every time I've taken a break from hocc's music and then revisited it, there's always a moment when I'm reminded of why I love her music so much.  There's always a point that makes me say, "wow".  Even if the song is from eleven years ago.  There's just something about her voice and her singing.

Or...maybe it's just me?

Double Standards - Revisited

Annoyed and bitter.

What's with the double standards around here?

So it's okay if I go and break someone's heart (and my own) to satisfy your stupid needs/wants.

But it's not okay if things are the other way around.

Call me heartless or whatever, I cannot honestly feel bad about the situation.  How can I?  This is exactly what I was forced to do.  What right do I have to condemn someone of a "crime" that I also committed?  In fact, it makes me angry to see these reactions.

Stand in my shoes for a minute.  Can you see what you've made me do?

Why can't everyone just open up their minds a little?  In this day and age, this is all f**king ridiculous.

Backstreet's Back

I was reminded of my age today when I saw a high school friend posting about BSB.  She was very excited about going to watch the BSB concert tonight and pulled out her t-shirt from 1996.

This video reminds me of a lot of things.  School days.  Old friends.  Childhood.

It's hard to believe that his was part of my childhood.

Someone had asked me if I wanted to go watch the concert tonight.  We talked about it but never did get tickets.  A part of me was interested.  It was too expensive and troublesome to go way back then when BSB was popular.

I could have done it now.

But...no...for so many reasons.

I'm a sucker for nostalgia.

That feeling...

I guess my internal clock is so used to getting up at 7am that it did so even today, on a holiday.  I closed my eyes hoping to fall back to sleep again, but my mind was flooded with too many things......

A day in August.
A mall.
A parking lot.
A car.
Two tickets.
A card.
A gift.

A day in June.
A park.
A parking lot.
A car.
A touch.

Intimacy.

The void is growing again......

All Grown Up

While out yesterday, we unexpectedly bumped into some people......

A mother and daughter.  They live a few houses down from us.  Strangely, in recent years, we hardly ever run into each other outside.  I used to know that girl.  She's a year older than me.  I used to play at her house.  She invited me to her birthday parties.  We went to the same math class.  We went to summer camp together.  We played outside together.

The mother and daughter were looking for furniture.  There was a guy with them.  The girl introduced him as her husband.

I was right.  The noisy people that woke me up last Saturday morning.  It was her wedding.

I don't know her anymore.  We haven't talked in a long long time.  But, she still looks like the little girl that I knew way back then.

I'm very bad at keeping in touch with people.  Nor am I any good at reconnecting on occasions like this.  I guess it is kinda sad that we never kept in touch.  But, then again, I'm not so sure I want to.  After all, her family is quite religious.

How things have changed......

Now...if only I knew what to do with myself......

一個人回家

I guess this is supposed to be a Christmas song, but I thought of this song on the way home tonight.

As I was taking the bus home today, I looked out the window and saw the sunset.  On the bus, people were quiet and tired after a long day's work.  Everything outside looked like a black shadow against the orange sky.  Here I was, trekking home, alone, after a stressful day.

For some reason, it was a very lonely feeling.

What a difference it makes when you can end your day and go home and fall into the arms of the person you love......

Where are those days?

*sigh*

Which team?

The strange conversation between my passengers last weekend.......

A:  Your mom told me to help find you a guy.
B:  How about you find me a girl?

What an unexpected response from someone I was only meeting for the second time.  I couldn't tell how serious of an answer this was, but it also didn't sound like much of a joke.  I'm also not sure if it was intentionally for me to hear.

Anyhow...grateful for open-minded people.

Tying the knot

This weekend seemed to be filled with one thing only: weddings.

Saturday morning I was awakened (bright and early) by sounds outside.  A group of loud Chinese people doing something outside.  From the sounds of it, it was the beginning of a wedding, it was the groom and groomsmen picking up the bride.  I peeked out the window and saw a line of cars across the street.  I guess it might have been the house at the corner?  Or, what interests me, maybe it was the first house on our street, the girl that I used to ride my bike with and go to summer camp with?  After being woken up way too early, I really didn't care enough to wait and find out.

Coincidentally, the activity for the day for me on Saturday was also a wedding.  I generally don't mind weddings, except for the dressing up part.  This wedding yesterday, I guess I'm glad I could be a part of.  After all, of all the distant relatives that are around the same age, she's the only one that I really know.  This was an interesting wedding.  What amazes me the most is the open-mindedness of the groom and his family.  They did all the traditional Chinese wedding rituals, Chinese dinner, and the groom even made the effort to say a few words in Chinese for the bride's grandparents.  I guess seeing the bride was also quite surprising.  Seeing the athletic tomboy that I've always known in a wedding gown and high heels was quite a change.  A part of me thinks she's pretty glad the whole thing is over now too.  Anyhow, congrats to the both of them.

Yesterday morning I saw pictures from another person's wedding.  They were nice pictures, and I genuinely hope that this person will be happy, but there's something at the back of my mind that gives me very mixed feelings about it.  Anyhow, I'm not in the position to comment.  It's really none of my business.

What can I say?  I love seeing the happy couples tying the knot, but I also have to admit that it takes a bit of a toll on me every time.  In so many ways, these events encompass all the things that I can't have/get.  In so many ways, these events make me think.

All of a sudden, I'm reminded (once again) that for the past several years, I've stupidly tried to reach out to someone without any luck.  It's at the point where I'm not even so sure I have the right address or number anymore and, yet, I've continued to try.  And of course, still no luck.  What am I trying to achieve?  Sometimes I wonder if I even know.  I've done a lot of stupid things, a lot of things that I never imagined I would do.  All for the sake of hopefully hearing from this one person.

A while ago a friend asked me about the ring that I've been wearing.  She asked me if there's a story behind it.  The simple answer is no.  That is an honest answer, just not a complete one.  The ring I wear has no meaning, but it replaces one that does.  The one that does is too obvious.  It only fits on a particular finger and has a pattern that almost very clearly indicates a story.  For sure, it would attract way too much unwanted attention.

If only I really would wear that ring......

Sinking

There are things happening tonight.  I'm not a part of it, but I know what it is.  It bothers me and makes me worry.  What if...?

I'm peeking through a window again.  There are new things to see.  Have you taken up a new hobby?  It seems to be something that I've always wanted to do.  Or maybe you're going somewhere, and you need the tools to save the memories?  I wish I knew.

I know too much about things I shouldn't know.

Feeling very heavy tonight......

Over time I've come to understand why the conversations always ended when this heavy feeling set in.  There comes a point when the heaviness is so strong that you start to physically feel it and just want to lie down and fade away.

IMUL...what else can I say?

Another step (forward)

CFA Level I......done.

I really think I got lucky on this one.  I know I didn't spend enough time preparing and I guessed on a lot of questions, so I really didn't expect to pass.  I guess basic background knowledge does help.  At least my guesses were somewhat educated.  And, I guess having gone through three other insanely stressful public exams helps.

Except for the friend that wrote the exam with me, nobody really knows that the results came out today.  It's much easier that way, because it's stressful enough as it is.  Eventually, people at work will start asking, but I have no intention of sharing the news until somebody does.

On the flip side, it always feels like a bit of a loss when I can't share it with the person(s) that matter most.

Sometimes, I really don't know what all of this is for.  So what if I passed?  So what if I can put the letters CA behind my name by the end of the year?  So what if I'm one step closer to CFA?  What does it matter?

None of this is what I really care about.

Road Trip

It's been a long time since I've done an overnight trip with friends.  Perhaps too long.  After all, a trip with friends is very different from a trip with family, even when you're going to the same place.

To me, the destination was not all that interesting.  After all, I've probably been there almost ten times already.  For me, the incentive is getting away from town, away from rules and restrictions, and having a good time with good friends.  What we actually do is not that important.

It's hard to find people to travel with.  Meeting up and hanging out for a few hours is one thing.  Spending days together and sharing living space is quite another.  You quickly learn a lot about people that you didn't know before.  Precisely because of this, there have been times in the past when I've rejected people's invitations to travel.  Some people I can be friends with and hang out with, but I know they would drive me crazy if I had to be with them day in and day out.

For me, the combination of people on this trip works.  One is the person who probably currently knows more about my personal life than anyone else.  The other is the person that I've studied and worked with through all the stressful times.  If there's people that I'm relatively comfortable with, it would be them.  Interestingly, the me that these two people know are probably very very different, simply because each has known me through very different settings, through different parts of my life.

I'm not used to merging the different compartments of my life.  Different compartments have different types of people and I know, for a fact, that not everyone would get along.  I really don't need any additional stress and drama.  As the middle person, it's usually hard to make things work and, in a way, keep everyone happy.

Would I do this again?  Maybe.  Perhaps, in the last little while, I've gotten to know some people better.  In light of that, perhaps the way I connect and interact with them will change.

This is me, or the paranoid child inside of me, trying to grasp the relationships I have with the people around me.  If there's something I'm bad at, it would be maintaining relationships (of every kind).  Sometimes, there's just a need to step back and see what's going on.

Spinning...

I guess I've been neglecting this space lately...

A part of me is lost.  I don't know where I am.  I don't know where I'm headed.  Nothing ever goes the way you want it to.  Every time I think I've moved further ahead, it turns out I'm not.

A part of me is tired of writing.  I don't even know why I bother anymore.  Clearly, this place is serving no purpose.  Or, at least, not its intended purpose.

A part of me is lost for words.  There's a lot on my mind, as always.  But there just doesn't seem to be a way to let it all out.  Perhaps, venting here can only do so much good.  Some things just can't be put into words.

Read an interesting article about nostalgia today......

Not sure if nostalgia is making it better or worse for me......

East Coast

Normally, I'd want to do somewhat of recap of this trip.  After all, this is the longest road trip we've done and it is the first time I've been out on the east coast.  But for whatever reason, I just don't feel like writing much these days.

Day 1 - Quebec City - Nothing particularly interesting here. Just a stopover. Dinner at a restaurant we've already been to.

Day 2 - Fredericton - Nothing interesting here either.  We had planned a few things to see, but when we got there it was pouring rain.

Day 3 - Halifax - Probably the best day.  Stopped at Peggy's Cove, but it was incredibly windy and stormy.  Randomly stopped at a lobster retailer and had a giant lobster and really fresh oysters.  Lunenburg was a very colourful place.  Unfortunately, our dinner plans didn't happen cuz it was too late.

Day 4 - Charlottetown - Of course, green gables.  Walked around downtown a bit.  Unfortunately, I didn't find all the mice.  Dinner at a place recommended on the Food Network.  Good food, but rather pricey.

Day 5 - St John - Went through Moncton during the day.  Magnetic Hill.  Hopewell Rocks was nice.  Too bad we couldn't stay for the whole day and watch the tides.

Day 6 - Montreal - Again.  Stopover.  Of course, St Joseph Oratory.  First time going there since BA became a saint.  The place seems kinda different from previous visits.

Overall a good trip, although too short and missed Cabot Trail.  Looked through some travel brochures and magazines and something did catch my attention: biking trip in PEI.  Seems like it would be a nice way to take in the scenery.  But, of course, not something for everyone.

Until next time......

Looking down the road...

As planned about two months ago, I had dinner with two good friends tonight.  As much as I love these people, our lives are so incredibly different that there always seems to be some moments of awkwardness.

Person 1 I've known forever.  More than 20 years.  She's truly my childhood friend.  We know each other's siblings.  Our parents know each other.  She's gone from a girl growing up in a very strict family to getting married and planning to have kids.

Person 2 I've known probably 10 years.  She grew up with a broken family, depended on in-laws, and finally ran away.  Now she's living with a steady boyfriend and planning to get married and have kids.

And where does that put me?  In the rather awkward position of being forever single.

These two people that I've known for ages and ages know nothing.  With both of them being such simple people, a part of me is inclined to think that they don't even have a clue.

The question that came up tonight......

Do you see yourself having a family or living on your own?

My answer was honest, but incomplete.

It could go either way.

Can I see myself living on my own for the rest of my life?  Yes.  Perhaps this is the more likely of the two outcomes right now, although not the one I want.  It would not be anything strange to anyone because there are numerous examples of people in my extended family that are not married.  So what's another?

Can I see myself with a family?  Yes.  What the word "family"means is open to interpretation.  Who doesn't want a shoulder to lean on?  It's just not so easy to achieve.  At this point, the only way to achieve it is to sacrifice one family for another.  Sometimes I really can't understand why I can't have both.

This question makes me wonder how well these two friends know about me.  What is going through their minds when they asked me this?  Then again, they're both very simple people.  Chances are they might not make the right connections.

Looking down the road......

It's all a blur.

The Daylight Gate

I went to the shelves the other day looking for something else, but instead picked this up.  I saw it on the list, but had forgotten about it until now.

Perhaps I cannot appreciate this author's books as much as someone else could, but there is still something there that draws me back to them.  Maybe it's the raw and unapologetic way the author describes things that the rest of the world shuns.  Or maybe I'm trying to find something in these books.

This one was very different from the other ones I've read.  In connection with the story, the descriptive parts were quite bloody, gory, gruesome and disgusting.  There were moments when I wanted to stop reading.  But, at the same time, the little bits of emotional and sensual things are still there.  And that's what keeps bringing me back.

While reading this, the word "outcast" came to mind.  Again and again, her books talk about people that are different, that don't fit in, that goes against the world.  Unfortunately, it seems that none of the books have a happy ending.  Regardless, there are always things for me to take away from it or things that speak to me for various reasons.  (Or, perhaps I'm just inherently biased.)

Round 1

Finally, May is over and June 1st is done.  It's been a rough month.  (Or, better yet, life's been very demanding since the beginning of the year.)

Work has been much much busier than I expected.  April was busy enough, but that was expected.  What I didn't expect was for things to run into May.  As the boss (half) joked the other day, I should not be at work at 11pm in May.  That's not the way it's supposed to be.  Specifically, this last week in May was hell.  Way too many deadlines.  I've got my hands in too many things.  (But realistically, that's not entirely a bad thing.)

Having to work late every day last week totally threw me off.  I was banking on this last week to get some serious studying and reviewing done.  What I actually got done was maybe 10% of what I had planned.  Not good at all.  I will very honestly say that there were things that I didn't touch at all and that I really wasn't prepared for this exam.  I guessed and half-reasoned a lot of questions.  All I can do now is hope for the best.  Whether I'll pass or not is really just a hit or miss.  Can I beat 60% of the people?  I really don't feel too good about this one.

This was as stressful (or maybe even more stressful) than writing the CKE two years ago.  I didn't feel well prepared for that one either, but at least that exam was on things that I was learning about every day.  I was pretty tense about scoring 60s and 70s on my practices, but apparently that was enough to get me through.  This time, a lot of things I never learned and don't work with on a regular basis.  I really don't have much background knowledge to depend on.

I guess we'll wait and see......

Oxymoron

I noticed somebody's status tonight, and it reminded me of this song.  I guess I sort of do know what that person's status is referring to.  It's really not something I want to see.

I don't remember how I know this song.  It must have been from some other YouTube video.  It's one of those songs that I have a love/hate relationship with.  I love it because it sounds nice and says things that I can relate to.  But, at the same time, I hate it because the things it says are the painful things.

How can the words "I love you" and "goodbye" go in the same sentence?  There's a very fine line between walking away in hopes that the person you love will find a better path and robbing the person you love of what he/she wants most: you.

This is what I got in trouble for.  I'll never forget those words.

What were you thinking?

Cheers

Way back when...

On an April day, she was driving me to class.  She stopped at a gas station and came out with a bottle of pop.  She said it was the one year anniversary of when we met.  Pop was the closest thing to alcohol we could get at that point in time.  It made me laugh, but at the same time, it was sweet of her.

A little further back, I was eating at her place.  She gave me a can of alcohol-free beer.  At the time, I never even knew such a thing existed.

I remember one time she mentioned she enjoyed going out after work for wings and beer, and that she missed those days of her life.  I know that was what she wanted to do with me.  It made me laugh, because I knew very well that she would never eat wings.

She always wanted to have a drink with me.  But, in some ways, in her eyes, relative to her, I was still a kid.  Having spent so much time at her place, for sure there were lots of times when we really could have had a drink together.  But we never did.  She didn't want me to drink.

Strangely, here I am today, having a drink or two every so often.  But none has been with her.

Do I really like the taste of any of those alcoholic drinks?  No.  Not particularly.  But, for whatever reason, when there is the opportunity, I buy into it.  Perhaps, in some ways, at the back of my mind, there is always the illusion that maybe it'll wash away all the things I don't want to think about.

At times, I wonder what would happen if we really had been drinking together.  We trusted each other and I know, for a fact, that we both let our guard down quite a bit when we were together.  So, top that off with alcohol, what would happen?  What would she say?  What would I say?  What would happen?

I guess...at the back of my mind...I can make a pretty good guess.

Tax Season #4

It's hard to believe that this is already my fourth tax season.  It's been a long way.  From the first work term, when I had absolutely no idea what things go into a tax return.  To this year, I worked on some of the biggest and most complicated clients.

This year, it's been very tiring, for many reasons.

As work started to get busy in January, things in my personal life took a turn and my workload increased a lot.  I know I was expected to put in the hours at work, but I also had things at home to tend to.  The truth is, if I don't take care of things, nobody will.

In March and April, as the personal tax work started coming, I was thrown out into the field.  Unfortunately for me, the field work that I have picked up over the years all come at this time of the year.  It's been stressful to know that while I'm out at clients during the day, a whole different set of work is piling up on my desk in the office.  (This is a real problem in this office.  One boss assigns me to one thing, and another is giving more other stuff.  Neither is aware of what I already have.)

I've known that the office has a lot of personal tax work, and I've known that I do a lot of tax returns over these few months.  Out of curiosity, this year, I kept track:

127 tax returns.  (Or actually more, because some clients have more than one return.)

For the last little while, some people at work have been talking about how many hours they've put in and how many they want to put in.  They are satisfied and think they've done enough if they hit a certain number of hours.  To me, I've never looked at it that way.  To me, I'm a member of this firm, there's a job to be done, so I'm going to work and make sure it gets done.  In fact, it always seems horrible to me that on the last day most of us are hanging around chatting and chilling while the more senior people are frantically trying to finish their work and the admin people are crazily printing and delivering packages.  Unfortunately, there's not much I can do to help them.

Out of curiosity, I also looked at my hours and compared them with previous years.  To put things into perspective, an average work week is 35 hours and so an average month is about 140-150 hours.  Interestingly, in the past three years, I put in 244 hours during the month of April.  This year:

272 hours.

The last time I had a day off was Apr 7th.  Since then it's been about 12-13 hours on weekdays and 9-10 hours on weekends.  The craziest part was that I did not expect to be working the Sunday before the deadline, but that ended up being the longest Sunday work day ever.

So 127 tax returns and 272 hours later, I think I've earned my day off.

Coexistence

Despite the fact that I'm still waiting for my copy of this album to arrive in the mail, I've (obviously) already listened to it a zillion times.

Whenever there's a new hocc album, I'm always very eager to listen to it.  But, at the same time, I always wait until I can give it my "full" attention before I listen, because it deserves my full attention, and because I want the first impression to be fair.

My first listen for this album was in the car, while stuck in traffic.  To be honest, on that first listen, I did not find it to be that appealing.  There wasn't anything particularly interesting that really caught my attention right away, and a lot of things weren't what I expected.

But, of course, that's how it is with most of hocc's albums.  You never know what to expect, and it always turns out to be something different from what you expect.  So, at first, there's always a bit of shock and disappointment.  But the more you listen, the more it grows on you.  And now, I'm loving it.

I've read two detailed reviews of the album so far.  The first, from 3cmusic.com was a bad one, which is surprising because that site has generally always given hocc pretty good reviews.  The other was on a random blog, which gave an okay review.

And this is my very simple take......

酒精和菸 - People say that it's very typical style of Chochukmo.  This I don't know.  But, definitely, for hocc, this is something new.  The lazy and crazy (and almost drunk?) feel is quite fun.  Like in the reviews, it's somewhat close to some of the songs from the Dress Me Up album.

無臉人 - Not exactly new.  Music-wise, this is the type of song suitable for radio play.  I guess it's the lyrics that are most appealing to me.

如果我們只剩一首歌的時間 - This is the song that caught my attention on the track list, even before I listened to it.  The style and the voice she uses to sing this is surprisingly different from what I expected.  I was expecting something soft and warm, but it's not exactly that.  Regardless, this one's really growing on me.

What Do You Love? - Another fun one.  Great driving song.  Perfect for a sunny day drive like today.

波西米亞 - I only recently noticed that this one's written by hocc herself.  Don't have much to say about this one though.  It's nice, but nothing really stands out to me.

對過去的我說 - Another one where the title caught my attention.  The lyrics I like (although that's probably an unfortunate thing).  Starts out kinda gloomy and grey, but builds up to something sort of motivational and encouraging.  Chorus and verses are kinda contrasting, but in a good way

The Science of Crying (眼淚教我的事) - Again, it's the lyrics in this one that gets me.  Or, I guess, more specifically, the story behind it.  The tune is another radio song.  Kinda catchy and easy to remember.

Bye Bye - Not crazy about this one either.  It's fun, but not in a way that I like.

在青木原的第三天 - This one's got that spiritual feel to it, which I kinda like.  It's almost like those Amy Grant songs that I find strangely peaceful, except it talks about being lost.

彼此 - This is sort of like one of those songs that everyone can sing together at the beginning/end of a concert.  It has that positive and encouraging feeling to it.

I agree with what the review on the blog said.  With every album that hocc releases, she disappoints some people, to some extent.  Depending on when you started listening to her music, you'll expect something different.  But in recent years, each album has been so different, both in terms of style and topic/theme, that it's hard to digest.  If you don't have an open mind, mentally and musically, you'll never keep up.  Unless, of course, you're like all the people who have been following 10+ years, and (as some people say) are part of this "cult".  But having said that, I guarantee that the cult does not blindly follow and, in fact, are highly critical.