1000

This is supposedly the 1,000th post in this blog.

Except...there are around twenty that are "drafts" and not posted.

Some are things that are ridiculously stupid and pointless that are really for my enjoyment only.  Perhaps they  represent the kid in me.  After all, once I find something I like/love, I'm a die hard fan.

Some are things involving people that I don't necessarily want to talk about "out loud".

Some are actual drafts, in the sense that I started writing something and never really got around to finishing, simply because I didn't.

Some are drafts, in the sense that I wanted to write something, but could never find a way to put it all into words.  Perhaps there are some things that simply can't be fully expressed by words.

Some are longer, more detailed, more private versions of things that I have posted.  After all, this is public space.  I don't mind writing things anonymously, but there is still a limit to how much I put out there.

And the first two, from way back, perhaps I'd like to keep to myself.  One was written in reply to something I read.  I sent it off, but sort of regret it.  The other I regret for even thinking and writing, but I don't want to erase a moment in time.

This place was started because I needed to leave the other one.  I wanted to "reserve" that one for its specific purpose.  And the purpose of this place?  It was meant to be out there for someone to find.  Whether or not that person has found it, I don't know.  I guess it still serves this purpose.  Or I hope it does.

Or, maybe it's simply just a place for me to let off steam.  Ironically, a lot of times I find it doesn't "work", because at the times when I'm most frustrated or depressed, I can't even bring myself to write.  I'm never very emotional in front of people, but the emotions are there and often enough to eat me alive.

1,000 posts over six years.  Almost exactly six years.

A lot has changed.  For better or worse?  I don't know.

A lot has stayed the same.  For better or worse?  I don't know.

The only thing for sure is that I'm still writing for the same reason.

People always say that time changes everything.

Maybe.

Or maybe not.

I'm a Taurus.
Loyal, stubborn and OCD as hell.

Melt Down

Before M left for the other side of the world, I was sort of against her decision.  She had sort of sensed it although I did not admit it.  In fact, she was a little angry/upset that I was against her decision.  And that, in turn, sort of annoyed me, because she really didn't see what I was thinking.  But, at that point, I didn't want to say any more.

I am all for caring for family and taking care of them.  In fact, I think I can very honestly say that I put my family ahead of everything else in my life in many ways.  (Unfortunately, maybe so much so that I've lost other things that are important to me.)  The way I see it, when you bring this into the picture, I cannot find a better argument.

If your intention is to be there and take care of the people you love, then I have nothing more to say.  But, if your intention is to satisfy the ridiculous demands of other people, then that annoys me.  There is no reason why four adults (three of whom do not work, two of whom don't even have families of their own) cannot take care of two seniors.  There is no reason why people that are already there can put a limit on how much they can offer and expect someone halfway across the world to abandon a family and go and do everything.

Perhaps there are people that will think I'm the one that's selfish.  And, perhaps, subconsciously, I'm slightly biased because this whole situation has put a lot of stress on me in some ways.  But I do not fully see the logic behind this whole arrangement.

On top of that, the other consideration was the interactions among the people.  Part of the reason I didn't like this arrangement was because I expected it would end in a huge fight.  And, clearly, this is exactly what's happening.  Everyone has their way of doing things and they just can't agree.  Everyone is stressed and tired and demanding that others do more.  Everyone is blaming each other for everything and bringing in things that are totally unrelated.  Absolutely perfect.

M said someone else had accused her of not caring, in response to something she said.  I know it's not true at all, and so she was pretty upset about it.

As much as I felt bad and sorry for her about it and everything that's going on, something else was sort of running through my head.  She would probably never realize it, but the way she's being treated now is exactly what she does to me.  Time and again, I do things because I genuinely care, and she trashes me for it and calls me fake.  Well, now you know how I feel.

Slopes

First time boarding......
And with an "unexpected" group of people.

In the past, I've probably gone skiing about five times.  All of those were ages and ages ago.  Took lessons.  Went with other people.  But I still never got the hang of it.  I can still remember going down the runs way too fast and not really being able to control it.  FAIL.

This time was different.

I had always wanted to try boarding, perhaps simply because it looked really cool. =P

Boarding was not as hard as I had imagined.  In fact, I think it came pretty naturally to me.  After getting up for the first few times and sliding down a bit, I sort of had a feel for it.  I guess it didn't take me long to have an idea of how to control the board, albeit it probably isn't the right way.  But at least with that I could pretty much go down the easy runs fairly controlled and comfortably.

What I didn't expect was that it was a huge workout and much more tiring than I expected.  Having to sit and strap your feet in and then push yourself up again for every single run takes a lot more strength and effort than you'd expect.  People told me to be prepared for the pain of falling a zillion times, but it's my arms and shoulders that are sore from pushing up off the ground.

Nonetheless, it was a good experience and I'm definitely up for more.  Hopefully, there's still the chance.

I've always wanted to find people to go try boarding with, but these were not exactly the people I had in mind, whether individually or in combination.  Regardless, it worked out pretty well.  But then, why would it not?  These were all some of the nicest people I know.

It's been a long long time since I've actually done something with R.  We meet up for dinner regularly, but we rarely actually do stuff together anymore.  This was good, because I'd much rather do stuff with my friends than just sit and eat and chat.

After all these years, I think I've found myself a winter sport!  Unfortunately, it looks like a pricey one.

The Land of Tears

Also see: http://www.goomusic.com.hk/blog/?p=1145

The general message in this song is saying that it's okay to cry.  As we grow up, somewhere along the way we learn that we should be strong and that we shouldn't cry.  But why?  It's a natural, human emotion.  It's a way of release.  Perhaps, a much needed one.

I think I've had too much "experience" with tears in recent years.  Overall, maybe I cry more easily than before, but not so "willingly".

Perhaps as you live life and experience more things, you learn to appreciate and treasure what you have/had.  You become more grateful and more easily touched by the good things around you.  But at the same time, you also more easily feel the sadness and pain of the bad things happening around you, even when there's no direct connection.  In this sense, I definitely cry more.

On the other hand, over time, I've cried less over the personal things that cause me sorrow and pain.  I don't think my emotions have changed, but there comes a point when you've been telling yourself so long to fight it that you no longer know how to cry over it.  There comes a point when you become numb to it all and there are just no more tears.  What remains is the dull heaviness inside.

The opening of the song is the most touching part.  That is, after you figure out what it's talking about.....

我能感覺 你的身體 藏了一座雪山
你不允許 傷心融化了 難堪
請你伸手感覺 我的心裡 留了一片海岸
擁抱你的眼淚 釋放內心的不安

This is the part that makes the connection to the blog post.  What this part of the song and the blog post talk about are what touches me most.

Touch.

What can you know about a person by touching them, if anything?  Can we communicate through a simple touch?

In the song and blog post, hocc talks about being able to "read" someone simply by touching them.  It talks about being able to feel someone's sorrow and being able to feel someone's tears.

This is also something that I've experienced that made a huge impression on me.

Like any other time, we hugged.  Like all other times, it was a long long hug, if you could even call it that.  When we finally did let go, she looked me in the eyes and asked me if something was wrong.  I was a little shocked.  How did she know?  Through our simple embrace, she had felt that I was sad that day.

Perhaps it was really just the subtle changes in body language that sent the message, but more often than not, I always felt that there was some sort of energy flow when we touched.  Somehow, without words, through our embraces, we communicated with each other and "said" some of those unsaid things.  Perhaps, over time, we had learned to truly "listen" to each other.

I cannot wrap my head around it and it may sound a little crazy, but I truly believe there was something there.

Through the ups and downs, I cried in front of her, in her arms, on her shoulder, countless times.  There were tears of joy, but unfortunately even more tears of sorrow.  I never counted, but for sure nobody else has ever seen me that way.

I've seen her cry, perhaps a little less.  She always seemed to be stronger than me, but in many ways I could feel that she was tired and I could feel that she was hurting.  Perhaps, at the time, and maybe even now, I never really knew all the reasons.

Every time I saw her cry, I could not hold back my own tears.  Seeing someone you love cry and not being able to do anything, is a very unbearable feeling.

"It's such a secret place, the land of tears."
- Little Prince, Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

As someone wrote in the comments of the youtube video......

會哭不是因為我們不堅強，而是因為堅強得太久了。

That...is precisely...眼淚教我的事.

In the night...

I had a very strange dream last night......

There was a person that I haven't seen in years and years and years.  At some point we were good friends.  Our last contact was last year and it was very random and sort of freaky.  How did this person end up in my dream?

The dream was rather graphic.  A little too detailed for my liking.  Almost disturbing.

What's happening in the dream is not strange to me, but with this person, it's extremely weird.

Completely wrong combination.

Writing on the Wall

At a point in time when I realized I was very quickly losing the things that were important to me, I found ways to keep my memories.

Encrypted files, hidden folders and passwords go a long way when you've got things to hide.

What am I hiding?

As some people would call it.....
An illicit relationship......
Of the past.

Unfortunately, the good times were erased forever, before I could find ways around it.  There's only a record of the bad times.  Bad, in the sense that it was rough.  But, for sure, those were the times when everything came out, when we really talked, and when the emotions were stronger than anything.

With MSN merging into Skype, I need to change things up to make sure I can still access my files in the future.  (Or maybe I shouldn't?)  The only way to to do that is to open up each one.

And that......is the greatest challenge of all.

Opening the files means I have to see what's inside, and when I set my eyes on it, I cannot help but start skimming through it and reading it.

For some reason, there's a missing block of time.  Did I accidentally delete the file?  How did I let this happen?

The words.
The pictures.
The emotions.

Things that I remember.
Things that I've forgotten.
It's all there.

Things that you said.
Things that I said.
Things...between the lines.

No matter how many times I've read it...
No matter how long it's been...
It's still as heart-wrenching as ever.

How could I have been so stupid?
How could I have done this to you?
How could I have ever let you go?

Every little bit brings me to tears all over again.

There were times when you wanted me to do more, but I could not meet your demands.  There were times when you wanted to sacrifice yourself, but I could never let you do that.

There were times when you got angry with me, but we always made up.

There were times when I doubted you, because everything and everyone around me was telling me something different, but it was all out of fear and confusion.  Deep down, never for a moment did I really doubt you.  You're the only person I trust 100%.

There were times when you doubted me...for being just a kid confused in my own life......

And...perhaps...til this day...while you still occupy a significant place in my heart...you still doubt me.

Perhaps there were times when I doubted myself.  You walked into my life and completely turned it upside down.  You pulled me into a world that I had never imagined.  Did I grasp onto you because I was unhappy?  Or because you were overpowering?  Or because I really did have feelings for you?

Countless times, I've asked myself this question.  Every now and then, when I'm in a crowded place with lots of people, I look around me and try to step back, listen, and feel.  Apples?  Oranges?  I think I've done this enough times to know what my real answer is.

Life has changed a lot over the years.  In some ways, I've made something of myself, as you wanted, although not in the way you would have liked to see.  I have more power, more control and more choices.  I am financially independent.  I have some good friends who would be there if I needed help.  All...such a contrast to what was.

Apples vs oranges.  I know very well that both could be available to me if I wanted it.  But I also clearly know what exactly it is that I truly want.

Where have you gone, my shining star?  The sky keeps getting darker and I'm losing my way.  Please, come and walk with me.  I'm tired of running.

The playground's open

It's that time of the year again.  The playground is open.  Perhaps a certain kid was there tonight, climbing up and down, in and out.

I saw a friend looking for people to go to the playground, and thought maybe there was someone around me that would like to go there.

But on second thought, I'd rather not ruin what the playground means to me.

Bang

This morning I opened a news website and saw something about the SIU being called to the scene of a shooting in Scarborough.  A man was shot by police and a woman in her 30s had stab wounds to the neck.

Whenever I see car accidents and crimes in that area, it gives me chills.  I can't help but worry that one day it will involve someone I know and care about.

I clicked on the link and skimmed through.  I saw a street that I didn't want to see.  

That street is very short.  Three pairs of interconnected condo buildings and some townhouses make up the entire street.  The article didn't mention which specific building this incident affected.

I searched for more news and found a different article.  This one had the number, and it made me cringe.  One of six, and this was it.

The incident occurred on the 8th floor, and the wounded women in the picture appeared to be Caucasian.

Phew.

This was way too close.  I really hope that you weren't around at the time of the incident.

Once again, I'm reminded that I don't have any privileges anymore.  I can't call to make sure you're alright.  I can't even tell you to be careful.  I can't do anything.  And that kills me.

If, God forbid, anything ever did happen, I would never know.  We have no mutual friends and hardly anyone even knows that we know/knew each other, let alone anything else.  I know that some of your friends know about me, and some of my friends know about you, but there is no connection whatsoever.  Perhaps there is one person that we both "know" that knows something about us, but neither of us has ever met her.  And all of this makes me feel very heavy.

Stay safe, my dear friend.
I never want to see anything happen to you.

God bless.

Guy vs Girl

Last night, I called my grandmother to wish her a happy new year and other things.  In return, she wished that I will find a bf soon.

lol...right......

Today I complained to my sister that my dad is leaving empty cans lying around on the countertop in the kitchen.  Her reply to that was, "He's a guy. Guys are like that."

lol...right......

But what I actually wanted to say, "Well.  That's why you get a girl."

Crashing Down

It's amazing how I've taken risks and spent time and effort to create something and now it's all (naturally?) falling apart on me and bringing me back to the beginning.

In one corner, things have just gone in the wrong direction.  I'm not sure what I've done to have caused this, but it was never meant to be like this and now there is a bit of (irreversible) damage.

In another corner, there's just been too many surprises.  I thought things were going fine and moving along.  I guess not.  Not even sure if this is salvageable anymore.

What's left?  Only the invisible things, which doesn't work, because that totally defeats the purpose.

The was/is my lifeline.  This was/is part of my strategy to facilitate other things.  And now it's not working.

I just don't have any luck in this, do I?

Coincidentally, it's Feb 1st.  Nothing seems to go right on this date.