Writing on the Wall

At a point in time when I realized I was very quickly losing the things that were important to me, I found ways to keep my memories.

Encrypted files, hidden folders and passwords go a long way when you've got things to hide.

What am I hiding?

As some people would call it.....
An illicit relationship......
Of the past.

Unfortunately, the good times were erased forever, before I could find ways around it.  There's only a record of the bad times.  Bad, in the sense that it was rough.  But, for sure, those were the times when everything came out, when we really talked, and when the emotions were stronger than anything.

With MSN merging into Skype, I need to change things up to make sure I can still access my files in the future.  (Or maybe I shouldn't?)  The only way to to do that is to open up each one.

And that......is the greatest challenge of all.

Opening the files means I have to see what's inside, and when I set my eyes on it, I cannot help but start skimming through it and reading it.

For some reason, there's a missing block of time.  Did I accidentally delete the file?  How did I let this happen?

The words.
The pictures.
The emotions.

Things that I remember.
Things that I've forgotten.
It's all there.

Things that you said.
Things that I said.
Things...between the lines.

No matter how many times I've read it...
No matter how long it's been...
It's still as heart-wrenching as ever.

How could I have been so stupid?
How could I have done this to you?
How could I have ever let you go?

Every little bit brings me to tears all over again.

There were times when you wanted me to do more, but I could not meet your demands.  There were times when you wanted to sacrifice yourself, but I could never let you do that.

There were times when you got angry with me, but we always made up.

There were times when I doubted you, because everything and everyone around me was telling me something different, but it was all out of fear and confusion.  Deep down, never for a moment did I really doubt you.  You're the only person I trust 100%.

There were times when you doubted me...for being just a kid confused in my own life......

And...perhaps...til this day...while you still occupy a significant place in my heart...you still doubt me.

Perhaps there were times when I doubted myself.  You walked into my life and completely turned it upside down.  You pulled me into a world that I had never imagined.  Did I grasp onto you because I was unhappy?  Or because you were overpowering?  Or because I really did have feelings for you?

Countless times, I've asked myself this question.  Every now and then, when I'm in a crowded place with lots of people, I look around me and try to step back, listen, and feel.  Apples?  Oranges?  I think I've done this enough times to know what my real answer is.

Life has changed a lot over the years.  In some ways, I've made something of myself, as you wanted, although not in the way you would have liked to see.  I have more power, more control and more choices.  I am financially independent.  I have some good friends who would be there if I needed help.  All...such a contrast to what was.

Apples vs oranges.  I know very well that both could be available to me if I wanted it.  But I also clearly know what exactly it is that I truly want.

Where have you gone, my shining star?  The sky keeps getting darker and I'm losing my way.  Please, come and walk with me.  I'm tired of running.