Looking down the road...

As planned about two months ago, I had dinner with two good friends tonight.  As much as I love these people, our lives are so incredibly different that there always seems to be some moments of awkwardness.

Person 1 I've known forever.  More than 20 years.  She's truly my childhood friend.  We know each other's siblings.  Our parents know each other.  She's gone from a girl growing up in a very strict family to getting married and planning to have kids.

Person 2 I've known probably 10 years.  She grew up with a broken family, depended on in-laws, and finally ran away.  Now she's living with a steady boyfriend and planning to get married and have kids.

And where does that put me?  In the rather awkward position of being forever single.

These two people that I've known for ages and ages know nothing.  With both of them being such simple people, a part of me is inclined to think that they don't even have a clue.

The question that came up tonight......

Do you see yourself having a family or living on your own?

My answer was honest, but incomplete.

It could go either way.

Can I see myself living on my own for the rest of my life?  Yes.  Perhaps this is the more likely of the two outcomes right now, although not the one I want.  It would not be anything strange to anyone because there are numerous examples of people in my extended family that are not married.  So what's another?

Can I see myself with a family?  Yes.  What the word "family"means is open to interpretation.  Who doesn't want a shoulder to lean on?  It's just not so easy to achieve.  At this point, the only way to achieve it is to sacrifice one family for another.  Sometimes I really can't understand why I can't have both.

This question makes me wonder how well these two friends know about me.  What is going through their minds when they asked me this?  Then again, they're both very simple people.  Chances are they might not make the right connections.

Looking down the road......

It's all a blur.

The Daylight Gate

I went to the shelves the other day looking for something else, but instead picked this up.  I saw it on the list, but had forgotten about it until now.

Perhaps I cannot appreciate this author's books as much as someone else could, but there is still something there that draws me back to them.  Maybe it's the raw and unapologetic way the author describes things that the rest of the world shuns.  Or maybe I'm trying to find something in these books.

This one was very different from the other ones I've read.  In connection with the story, the descriptive parts were quite bloody, gory, gruesome and disgusting.  There were moments when I wanted to stop reading.  But, at the same time, the little bits of emotional and sensual things are still there.  And that's what keeps bringing me back.

While reading this, the word "outcast" came to mind.  Again and again, her books talk about people that are different, that don't fit in, that goes against the world.  Unfortunately, it seems that none of the books have a happy ending.  Regardless, there are always things for me to take away from it or things that speak to me for various reasons.  (Or, perhaps I'm just inherently biased.)

Round 1

Finally, May is over and June 1st is done.  It's been a rough month.  (Or, better yet, life's been very demanding since the beginning of the year.)

Work has been much much busier than I expected.  April was busy enough, but that was expected.  What I didn't expect was for things to run into May.  As the boss (half) joked the other day, I should not be at work at 11pm in May.  That's not the way it's supposed to be.  Specifically, this last week in May was hell.  Way too many deadlines.  I've got my hands in too many things.  (But realistically, that's not entirely a bad thing.)

Having to work late every day last week totally threw me off.  I was banking on this last week to get some serious studying and reviewing done.  What I actually got done was maybe 10% of what I had planned.  Not good at all.  I will very honestly say that there were things that I didn't touch at all and that I really wasn't prepared for this exam.  I guessed and half-reasoned a lot of questions.  All I can do now is hope for the best.  Whether I'll pass or not is really just a hit or miss.  Can I beat 60% of the people?  I really don't feel too good about this one.

This was as stressful (or maybe even more stressful) than writing the CKE two years ago.  I didn't feel well prepared for that one either, but at least that exam was on things that I was learning about every day.  I was pretty tense about scoring 60s and 70s on my practices, but apparently that was enough to get me through.  This time, a lot of things I never learned and don't work with on a regular basis.  I really don't have much background knowledge to depend on.

I guess we'll wait and see......