一個人回家

I guess this is supposed to be a Christmas song, but I thought of this song on the way home tonight.

As I was taking the bus home today, I looked out the window and saw the sunset.  On the bus, people were quiet and tired after a long day's work.  Everything outside looked like a black shadow against the orange sky.  Here I was, trekking home, alone, after a stressful day.

For some reason, it was a very lonely feeling.

What a difference it makes when you can end your day and go home and fall into the arms of the person you love......

Where are those days?

*sigh*

Which team?

The strange conversation between my passengers last weekend.......

A:  Your mom told me to help find you a guy.
B:  How about you find me a girl?

What an unexpected response from someone I was only meeting for the second time.  I couldn't tell how serious of an answer this was, but it also didn't sound like much of a joke.  I'm also not sure if it was intentionally for me to hear.

Anyhow...grateful for open-minded people.

Tying the knot

This weekend seemed to be filled with one thing only: weddings.

Saturday morning I was awakened (bright and early) by sounds outside.  A group of loud Chinese people doing something outside.  From the sounds of it, it was the beginning of a wedding, it was the groom and groomsmen picking up the bride.  I peeked out the window and saw a line of cars across the street.  I guess it might have been the house at the corner?  Or, what interests me, maybe it was the first house on our street, the girl that I used to ride my bike with and go to summer camp with?  After being woken up way too early, I really didn't care enough to wait and find out.

Coincidentally, the activity for the day for me on Saturday was also a wedding.  I generally don't mind weddings, except for the dressing up part.  This wedding yesterday, I guess I'm glad I could be a part of.  After all, of all the distant relatives that are around the same age, she's the only one that I really know.  This was an interesting wedding.  What amazes me the most is the open-mindedness of the groom and his family.  They did all the traditional Chinese wedding rituals, Chinese dinner, and the groom even made the effort to say a few words in Chinese for the bride's grandparents.  I guess seeing the bride was also quite surprising.  Seeing the athletic tomboy that I've always known in a wedding gown and high heels was quite a change.  A part of me thinks she's pretty glad the whole thing is over now too.  Anyhow, congrats to the both of them.

Yesterday morning I saw pictures from another person's wedding.  They were nice pictures, and I genuinely hope that this person will be happy, but there's something at the back of my mind that gives me very mixed feelings about it.  Anyhow, I'm not in the position to comment.  It's really none of my business.

What can I say?  I love seeing the happy couples tying the knot, but I also have to admit that it takes a bit of a toll on me every time.  In so many ways, these events encompass all the things that I can't have/get.  In so many ways, these events make me think.

All of a sudden, I'm reminded (once again) that for the past several years, I've stupidly tried to reach out to someone without any luck.  It's at the point where I'm not even so sure I have the right address or number anymore and, yet, I've continued to try.  And of course, still no luck.  What am I trying to achieve?  Sometimes I wonder if I even know.  I've done a lot of stupid things, a lot of things that I never imagined I would do.  All for the sake of hopefully hearing from this one person.

A while ago a friend asked me about the ring that I've been wearing.  She asked me if there's a story behind it.  The simple answer is no.  That is an honest answer, just not a complete one.  The ring I wear has no meaning, but it replaces one that does.  The one that does is too obvious.  It only fits on a particular finger and has a pattern that almost very clearly indicates a story.  For sure, it would attract way too much unwanted attention.

If only I really would wear that ring......

Sinking

There are things happening tonight.  I'm not a part of it, but I know what it is.  It bothers me and makes me worry.  What if...?

I'm peeking through a window again.  There are new things to see.  Have you taken up a new hobby?  It seems to be something that I've always wanted to do.  Or maybe you're going somewhere, and you need the tools to save the memories?  I wish I knew.

I know too much about things I shouldn't know.

Feeling very heavy tonight......

Over time I've come to understand why the conversations always ended when this heavy feeling set in.  There comes a point when the heaviness is so strong that you start to physically feel it and just want to lie down and fade away.

IMUL...what else can I say?

Another step (forward)

CFA Level I......done.

I really think I got lucky on this one.  I know I didn't spend enough time preparing and I guessed on a lot of questions, so I really didn't expect to pass.  I guess basic background knowledge does help.  At least my guesses were somewhat educated.  And, I guess having gone through three other insanely stressful public exams helps.

Except for the friend that wrote the exam with me, nobody really knows that the results came out today.  It's much easier that way, because it's stressful enough as it is.  Eventually, people at work will start asking, but I have no intention of sharing the news until somebody does.

On the flip side, it always feels like a bit of a loss when I can't share it with the person(s) that matter most.

Sometimes, I really don't know what all of this is for.  So what if I passed?  So what if I can put the letters CA behind my name by the end of the year?  So what if I'm one step closer to CFA?  What does it matter?

None of this is what I really care about.

Road Trip

It's been a long time since I've done an overnight trip with friends.  Perhaps too long.  After all, a trip with friends is very different from a trip with family, even when you're going to the same place.

To me, the destination was not all that interesting.  After all, I've probably been there almost ten times already.  For me, the incentive is getting away from town, away from rules and restrictions, and having a good time with good friends.  What we actually do is not that important.

It's hard to find people to travel with.  Meeting up and hanging out for a few hours is one thing.  Spending days together and sharing living space is quite another.  You quickly learn a lot about people that you didn't know before.  Precisely because of this, there have been times in the past when I've rejected people's invitations to travel.  Some people I can be friends with and hang out with, but I know they would drive me crazy if I had to be with them day in and day out.

For me, the combination of people on this trip works.  One is the person who probably currently knows more about my personal life than anyone else.  The other is the person that I've studied and worked with through all the stressful times.  If there's people that I'm relatively comfortable with, it would be them.  Interestingly, the me that these two people know are probably very very different, simply because each has known me through very different settings, through different parts of my life.

I'm not used to merging the different compartments of my life.  Different compartments have different types of people and I know, for a fact, that not everyone would get along.  I really don't need any additional stress and drama.  As the middle person, it's usually hard to make things work and, in a way, keep everyone happy.

Would I do this again?  Maybe.  Perhaps, in the last little while, I've gotten to know some people better.  In light of that, perhaps the way I connect and interact with them will change.

This is me, or the paranoid child inside of me, trying to grasp the relationships I have with the people around me.  If there's something I'm bad at, it would be maintaining relationships (of every kind).  Sometimes, there's just a need to step back and see what's going on.

Spinning...

I guess I've been neglecting this space lately...

A part of me is lost.  I don't know where I am.  I don't know where I'm headed.  Nothing ever goes the way you want it to.  Every time I think I've moved further ahead, it turns out I'm not.

A part of me is tired of writing.  I don't even know why I bother anymore.  Clearly, this place is serving no purpose.  Or, at least, not its intended purpose.

A part of me is lost for words.  There's a lot on my mind, as always.  But there just doesn't seem to be a way to let it all out.  Perhaps, venting here can only do so much good.  Some things just can't be put into words.

Read an interesting article about nostalgia today......

Not sure if nostalgia is making it better or worse for me......

East Coast

Normally, I'd want to do somewhat of recap of this trip.  After all, this is the longest road trip we've done and it is the first time I've been out on the east coast.  But for whatever reason, I just don't feel like writing much these days.

Day 1 - Quebec City - Nothing particularly interesting here. Just a stopover. Dinner at a restaurant we've already been to.

Day 2 - Fredericton - Nothing interesting here either.  We had planned a few things to see, but when we got there it was pouring rain.

Day 3 - Halifax - Probably the best day.  Stopped at Peggy's Cove, but it was incredibly windy and stormy.  Randomly stopped at a lobster retailer and had a giant lobster and really fresh oysters.  Lunenburg was a very colourful place.  Unfortunately, our dinner plans didn't happen cuz it was too late.

Day 4 - Charlottetown - Of course, green gables.  Walked around downtown a bit.  Unfortunately, I didn't find all the mice.  Dinner at a place recommended on the Food Network.  Good food, but rather pricey.

Day 5 - St John - Went through Moncton during the day.  Magnetic Hill.  Hopewell Rocks was nice.  Too bad we couldn't stay for the whole day and watch the tides.

Day 6 - Montreal - Again.  Stopover.  Of course, St Joseph Oratory.  First time going there since BA became a saint.  The place seems kinda different from previous visits.

Overall a good trip, although too short and missed Cabot Trail.  Looked through some travel brochures and magazines and something did catch my attention: biking trip in PEI.  Seems like it would be a nice way to take in the scenery.  But, of course, not something for everyone.

Until next time......