當年今日

For various reasons, I drove the van to work today.  With no suitable CD's and no transmitter in the van, I resorted to the radio.  There was a radio segment called "當年今日"......

Aug 30th.

當年今日......

It was only the third time that we met, but there were a lot of firsts.

The first time we went somewhere together.
The first time we had dinner together.

The first time we walked together.

The first time we hugged.

The first time she made me cry.

當年今日......changed a lot of things.

Life Choices

Early in the year, I received news that a friend got engaged.  For the first time in my life, news of an engagement/wedding worried me.  It was just too strange and too unexpected.  It made me so uneasy that even though I didn't know the bride-to-be that well, I had to ask questions.  I had asked if this choice would be one that would make her happy. Of course, I never got any detailed answers, but I was in no position to dig deeper.

Today, months later, after the wedding, I finally saw this newly wed.  I congratulated her, but her response was not quite the one I would expect from a newly wed.  I (possibly inappropriately) asked if she was happy, and her reply was only okay.

Although I don't know this person that well, I'd still like to consider her a friend. The answers she gave me today, again, makes me kind of worry.  I don't know if it's appropriate for me to ask.  After all, I've probably seen this person no more than five times.  Regardless, I sincerely hope that she's made the right choice for herself.

On the other hand, seeing this person reminded me of the person on the other side.  What happened there?  It seems this person has just disappeared on us.  Again, maybe I don't know this person very well either, but we've had some good conversations in the past and I just want to know that things are okay.

In one of the books I read, there's a part where the mother asks the daughter, "Why be happy when you can be normal?"

I've asked myself this question numerous times.  Am I normal?  Clearly not.  Am I happy?  Could be better.  It seems I don't quite have either.  Perhaps....that is a problem.

Step Back

On my way home on the bus the other day, I looked through FB and noticed big news:  M got engaged.  I guess I knew this was coming sooner or later, but it was still pretty surprising.

Congrats, M.  I'm happy for you.  In the 10+ years that I've known you, you've been through a lot of rough times.  This, I'm sure, will be the beginning of your happy ending.  You deserve this, and so much more.

This is at least the third wedding that will be taking place next year.  This one, I cannot (and will not) turn down.  This one, I care about.  The other two, not so much.  I'm guessing there will be some, or even quite a bit, overlapping in two of these weddings.  After all, some of M's friends will be mutual friends of another bride and groom.  Potentially, we all have mutual friends.

I love and hate this type of news.  When I saw this yesterday, it made me think of something else.

R told me that C said she saw herself living alone and not having a family.  And then R asked me the same question.  I had said I could see it both ways.  I may be alone.  There may be a family.  Whatever that means.  Who knows.

Do I want to be alone?  Trustfully, who does?  Nobody.  I'm not afraid of being alone.  I know that, relatively speaking, I'm very capable.  I can take care of myself.  But when I see people around me that don't have a family and are starting to get old, I know I'd rather not be in that position.

Could there be someone else?  I don't have an answer to that question.  That encompasses too many other things.  Will I find someone I'm comfortable with?  Can I make it work?  Will I destroy other things in the process?  I just don't know.

But every time I see these engagements, weddings and what not, I feel a little more uncertain, a little more discouraged.

My stupid observations

It seems there aren't many clips from the show, but this one caught my attention, for two very stupid and totally irrelevant reasons:

1.  Her arms.

2.  Her tattoos.

Both are somewhat surprising.  Both have never really been revealed in the past.

Looked at some pictures from the show earlier.  On one of the pictures, somebody's comment was "swoon".  That seemed kinda funny.  But I would have to agree.

(Of course, the performance here is awesome too.  It's just that I got distracted.)

(This is not what I intended to write today.  But what I intended to write was much heavier and just not coming out properly.  So this will suffice.)

Triggers...

I've just spent the last hour searching.

Searching for what?
I'm not sure.

Something.
Anything.

But it seems that there's nothing to be found.

What the f**k am I doing?

8/25

At a dinner tonight, I was told that one of my distant cousins is three months pregnant.  Her grandparents were saying that they waited until now, three months later, to tell everyone.  This, of course, is in line with Chinese beliefs that if you break the news too early, the baby will be 小氣.

That triggered another memory in my mind......

Years ago, during the worst of times, we were chatting online.  I was getting a little annoyed that she was too slow to reply, but when she did, she explained that she was on the phone with her brother.  She excitedly told me that she was going to be an aunt.  Her brother's wife was pregnant.  It was the first time that I ever saw her get excited about anything that had to do with kids.

After congratulating her, I asked why her brother hadn't told her earlier.  She explained to me the whole thing about the baby being 小氣.  Of course, little me at the time didn't know stuff like that.  The baby was due for March, around the time of her birthday.

Unfortunately, things didn't last long enough for me to find out what happened after that.

Knowing that she doesn't like kids, I can't help but wonder what this baby is like.  I wonder how they interact.  I wonder what she would look like with this little baby in hand.  The image makes me want to laugh.

Wish I could have seen it all.

That "baby" would now be six years old already.

Time flies.

*sigh*

Ellen x HOCC @ V Live

Saw an old friend post about going to watch Ellen's V Live concert and couldn't help commenting/teasing/joking.

I complained that she always gets to watch all the shows I want to watch.  This being one of them.  I also complained that she just got to see the best combination of rockers: ellen x hocc.

Naturally, she absolutely understood what I was talking about and agreed with it all.  And like other times, I could tell she was having trouble containing her excitement about it all.

Hopefully they'll have a DVD for this.

I love watching Ellen.  I guess it's because she's another person that I've followed since the beginning, and I guess particularly so because she's practically exactly the same age as me.  You can really see how she's grown and improved over the years.  She's come a long way, and she's doing it right.

Whenever I listen to Ellen's music and notice how different it is from At17, I wonder if you're still listening.  You always said Ellen has a lot of potential.  So what do you think about her now?

I would have liked to watch this show with you......

Sum of the Parts

I've known this song since I was a kid.  It was a song I recognized at a very young age.  Other than that, I really didn't care.

Years and years later, when it is presented in front of me again, in a very different format, at a very different time, it's something very different.

Time changes things.
Experience changes things.
Growing up changes things.

And then there are some things that (will) never change.

For the first time, I read the lyrics of this song.  For the first time, it actually has meaning to me.

Perhaps, that's an unfortunate thing.

"有些人和事，過去了，離你而去了，不代表它們就此在你生命中消失了。現在的我們其實就是我們記憶的總和，好的壞的，曾經遇上過和經歷過的，統統隨著日子的洗禮，變成促進你成長的粒子，讓你變得更加明亮，又或一不小心，被磨滅了。"

Writing

A friend messaged me today to ask me an accounting question.  This is not someone I see often, maybe only once or twice a year.  This is not the type of person I would "hang out" with.  She's probably 10+ years older than me, married and has a son who's half way through high school.  So, on my reply, I casually asked her how she was doing lately.

Her reply was heartbreaking.  Her father had passed away last month.  I knew her father had been having health issues since last year, but I did not expect to hear this.

(This is the second death that I've heard about this week, both on the other side of the world.)

I wrote a very simple reply and sent my condolences, and she came back with this:

As the week continues to go downhill, this was one of the few things that I was grateful to see.

At least, when the people closest to me (that I spend most of my time caring for) give me shit and condemn me for stupid things, there are still people out there that appreciate my time, effort and good intentions.

Because, in the eyes of some people, I'll never be good enough, no matter how much I do.

I have a thing for words/writing.  Electronic will do.  But hand written is best.  It's one thing to hear someone say something to you, but quite another to see it written.

Perhaps it's nostalgia.

Memento

It wouldn't be me to not comment on this......

I have to admit, the first time hocc posted the picture, I didn't even recognize that's her and didn't even pay attention to it.  What the heck was she posting?

When the concert name and other things came up, it hit me.

Oh.  That's hocc.

Really?

After taking a closer look, it sank in.  Right.  That's hocc.

I must say I'm not used to seeing hocc in this kind of style.  Having followed along for the last 11 years, this is obviously not a style we're used to seeing.  I have my reservations about whether it looks good or not, but I do not necessarily object to it.

Personally, I love the rocker hocc who's different from everyone else.  There's really no other HK female artist who can pull it off as well as she can.  I'd say Ellen comes close, but for now, they're on different levels.  And all the other people that I thought might come close never really made it.  In my mind, this is not what hocc is supposed to look like.

But, this is not surprising at all.

The move is very typical hocc.  Nine months after she's come out and sort of "affirmed" her androgynous style, she does the complete opposite of what you're expecting.  (To prove the world wrong?)  I might not like the style, but I love that she does this.  Stir things up.  Give everyone surprises.  Step outside the box.

As we used to say on the forums, this is a cult.  You either love her or hate her.  There's nothing in between.

Every time I've taken a break from hocc's music and then revisited it, there's always a moment when I'm reminded of why I love her music so much.  There's always a point that makes me say, "wow".  Even if the song is from eleven years ago.  There's just something about her voice and her singing.

Or...maybe it's just me?

Double Standards - Revisited

Annoyed and bitter.

What's with the double standards around here?

So it's okay if I go and break someone's heart (and my own) to satisfy your stupid needs/wants.

But it's not okay if things are the other way around.

Call me heartless or whatever, I cannot honestly feel bad about the situation.  How can I?  This is exactly what I was forced to do.  What right do I have to condemn someone of a "crime" that I also committed?  In fact, it makes me angry to see these reactions.

Stand in my shoes for a minute.  Can you see what you've made me do?

Why can't everyone just open up their minds a little?  In this day and age, this is all f**king ridiculous.

Backstreet's Back

I was reminded of my age today when I saw a high school friend posting about BSB.  She was very excited about going to watch the BSB concert tonight and pulled out her t-shirt from 1996.

This video reminds me of a lot of things.  School days.  Old friends.  Childhood.

It's hard to believe that his was part of my childhood.

Someone had asked me if I wanted to go watch the concert tonight.  We talked about it but never did get tickets.  A part of me was interested.  It was too expensive and troublesome to go way back then when BSB was popular.

I could have done it now.

But...no...for so many reasons.

I'm a sucker for nostalgia.

That feeling...

I guess my internal clock is so used to getting up at 7am that it did so even today, on a holiday.  I closed my eyes hoping to fall back to sleep again, but my mind was flooded with too many things......

A day in August.
A mall.
A parking lot.
A car.
Two tickets.
A card.
A gift.

A day in June.
A park.
A parking lot.
A car.
A touch.

Intimacy.

The void is growing again......

All Grown Up

While out yesterday, we unexpectedly bumped into some people......

A mother and daughter.  They live a few houses down from us.  Strangely, in recent years, we hardly ever run into each other outside.  I used to know that girl.  She's a year older than me.  I used to play at her house.  She invited me to her birthday parties.  We went to the same math class.  We went to summer camp together.  We played outside together.

The mother and daughter were looking for furniture.  There was a guy with them.  The girl introduced him as her husband.

I was right.  The noisy people that woke me up last Saturday morning.  It was her wedding.

I don't know her anymore.  We haven't talked in a long long time.  But, she still looks like the little girl that I knew way back then.

I'm very bad at keeping in touch with people.  Nor am I any good at reconnecting on occasions like this.  I guess it is kinda sad that we never kept in touch.  But, then again, I'm not so sure I want to.  After all, her family is quite religious.

How things have changed......

Now...if only I knew what to do with myself......