Honesty

I recently read a post about the implications of being honest:
http://www.jamesaltucher.com/2011/10/7-things-happen-to-you-when-you-are-completely-honest/

To me, it wasn't a particularly good read, but it did make me think about honesty.

In one of the tree holes that I probably never should have found, I remember reading something about honesty.  It said that it's hard to be completely honest, whether it's to the people around you or to yourself.

Am I an honest person?  I dare not answer that question.

I dare say I try to be honest with the people around me.  But, sometimes, with some people, being honest is not the best choice.  It really depends on the situation and who you're interacting with.  I dare say that I try to be honest with the people around me, but I do not always give complete information.  I'm honest in what I say, but I don't need to tell you all the details.

Perhaps, there are some people around me that I'd like to say more to, but there's a fine line between telling you all the details about what I think of you and imposing my thoughts and beliefs onto you.  Unless circumstances call for it, perhaps it's a little better for me to keep my mouth shut.  There are some people that sometimes tick me off.  There are some people that I think could benefit from some changes.  There are some people that I care about more than they would ever know.

Am I honest to myself?  I'm not entirely sure what that means.  Over the years, through all the ups and downs, I've definitely understood myself more and become more aware of what I think and feel.  Am I honest to myself?  Perhaps not so much, and not enough.

It's hard to be honest.  It's difficult to tell people things that they probably don't want to hear.  It's difficult to force yourself to believe something that you know deep down is not true.

What do you do when you know the truth will hurt people?  Be honest?  Or tell a (white) lie?  When does it stop being a white lie and an outright betrayal?

The "magic" lies in the words you choose.  Be careful.  Tell the truth, but not all the truth.  Be honest, without revealing everything.

No.  I don't like it this way.  But sometimes that's the way it has to be to survive.

(If given the chance, there is one person that I want to try to be completely honest with.  After all the ups and downs, after having seen my strengths and weaknesses, goods and bads, there really is nothing I need to hide.  Nor do I want to leave anything unsaid, because you never know if there will ever be another chance.  Perhaps more importantly, because I trust this person more than I trust myself.)

蘇打綠 - 我好想你

開了燈 眼前的模樣
偌大的房 寂寞的床
關了燈 全都一個樣
心裡的傷 無法分享
生命隨年月流去 隨白髮老去
隨著你離去 快樂渺無音訊
隨往事淡去 隨夢境睡去
隨麻痺的心逐漸遠去
我好想你 好想你
卻不露痕跡
我還踮著腳思念
我還任記憶盤旋
我還閉著眼流淚
我還裝作無所謂
我好想你 好想你 卻欺騙自己
我好想你 好想你 就當做秘密
我好想你 好想你 就深藏在心

This song reminds me of 木紋. It's the way they use/emphasize that repeating theme/motif.  Both songs hit on certain things within me.  Both have that strange "power" to make things replay in my head, over and over again.

Need I say more?

IMUL.

9/23 - Still waiting for the perfect show...

Manual vs Automatic

Lately, there's been a couple people around me who have bought a new car, or leased a new car, or is looking to get a new car.  Somewhere along the way, discussions came up about manual vs automatic transmission and the newer manumatics.

When I first learned to drive, it was automatic.  At the age of 16, I really didn't understand why anyone would want to drive a manual.  Why all the extra trouble of the clutch and shifting gears?  Keep it simple.  Less work.  Automatic.  Nor did I have a choice at the time.

A few years later, I met someone who drove a manual.  I eventually found out why.  In her opinion, it was absurd that a car should be able to move on its own.  She wanted manual, so that she'd be in full control of what the car does.  (Although a part of me thought that was a bit extreme at the time, I guess these strong opinions were also part of the reason for the charm.)

She taught some of her friends to drive manual.  She tried to teach me.  I guess with a bit more practice I'd get the hang of it, but I really didn't like the responsibility that came with having her car in my hands.  If I broke her car, I'd never be able to pay for it.  (Although, of course, she would never let me pay for it if I did.)

While growing up as a kid, my aunt and uncle came up from the US every now and then.  They would always rent a car and go around on their own, sometimes taking me with them.  One of the things that had caught my attention was that they would always hold hands.  Always.  Often, even while my uncle was driving.  As a kid, in my mind, all I could think was, "Really?! How about keeping your hands on the wheel?!"

And then I got it.

When we went out, 90% of the time she would drive.  She was the more experienced driver.  She had a better sense of direction.  And, I guess, in some ways I was very much still a kid compared to her.  I don't know when it started, but every now and then, while she was driving, she would take my hand in hers......

Until she had to let go....

And shift gears.

=_=

One time, when this happened, she said that next time she bought a car she would not get manual, because then she could keep holding on and not let go.

I laughed.  Partly at the reason for choosing automatic.  But, of course, more so at the underlying message.

So this is the deciding factor between manual vs automatic.

I wonder what it is now?

Bargaining

After all this time, I finally finished watching season one of Lost Girl.  Despite having read various things about the show and watched random episodes form seasons two and three, it was still good, and I didn't know it would end the way it did.

In the last episode, one particular line caught my attention:

"You will grant what I want most in exchange for what I hold dearest."

In exchange for giving his strength to Bo to help her win a fight, Dyson had to sacrifice what he valued most.  At the time, he thought it was his wolf.  When the deal was made, his love/passion for Bo was taken from him.

More than once, someone mentioned the words "Risk what you treasure" to me.  Somewhere, some time, this same person wrote that if you're going to bargain with God, then you have to wager what you treasure most to do it justice.

In many ways, I've done what the writer did.  At times of desperation, I've wagered years of living, and even my life, for things that mattered more to me.

What is it that you want most?
What is it that you hold dearest?

What is it that you treasure?
What is it that you're willing to risk?

What I want most is what I hold dearest.
What I hold dearest is what I want most.
What I treasure is what I'm willing to risk.
What I'm willing to risk is what I treasure.

Can you bargain with God?  Inherently, you have to lose something, because almost all the time what you want most and what you treasure most are two aspects of the same thing.  All you're doing is giving up one aspect of it for another.

The writer wrote that her bargaining likely failed, because otherwise she wouldn't be alive.

Did I get my bargain?  I don't know.  Perhaps not.  Like the writer said, if it did then I probably wouldn't be alive.  But then again, maybe I did.  Because, inherently, based on my wager, I would never see what I wished for.

Distance

When I read this, I remembered something that someone had once said to me,

"我同你之間唔使咁客氣"

I knew what it meant.

We're close.  We're tight.  Our relationship is deeper than that.  No need to sweat the small things.

Or.  Actually.  It meant a lot more than that.

Whether I showed it or not, I understood that part too.

When I read this, I remembered writing a card to someone.  It was probably the first time that I deliberately bought a card for anyone.  Unfortunately, she was not entirely impressed by what I wrote.  Her comments were that given our relationship, what I wrote was "too distant" and "not enough".

That is, perhaps, one of my greatest regrets.  After all, I never officially got the chance to do it again.  My one chance, at a very important time, and I f**ked it up.

It's hard to judge what's too little and what's too much.  Perhaps I was a little behind at that point in time.  Perhaps I was still a little hesitant to take things any further.  Perhaps I lacked the courage to do more.

Cloudy Days

Perhaps the week ahead is looking crazy and that's bringing me down.  But what I see through the window has just clouded over all of that even more.

Somewhere sometime you wrote that a friend said it's "scary" to be your friend, because if you're no longer interested you can turn your back without regret, without looking back.  I guess I've experienced my share of that.  It still surprises me that you could be like that, but deep down, I don't believe that's you.  On the surface, those are the actions you've chosen.  But the you I know could never be so emotionless.  It's in you somewhere, just not on the surface.

What I see (again) now scares me even more.

What is going on?

What is it that I don't know?

And, now, it seems I don't even know how I could possibly even know.

It's scary, and it hurts, that you could walk away without a word.  But it scares me even more to see all the darkness around you and not know what's going on.

Please...I don't ever want anything to happen to you.

Two Way Street

"...the people I keep around are reflections of me.  There is a reason why I am so calculated when it comes to those I let in my life and my heart.  There is also a reason why my expectations are so high for those I let in.  I know me and the level of importance I put into each relationship.  The length and depth I would go usually is unbelievable.  I am not one to count numbers, I don't mind having one good relationship over ten half ass ones.  I am not a child and am pretty content with knowing as I get older the number will decrease.  I will never cut myself short for anyone.  I know what I can bring to the table."

- Yen

Saw this quote today and it caught my attention.  Not sure if the source or reference is right.  Not sure who that even is.  But it sort of is what I think.

If we're going to have any form of relationship, then that means I believe you're a good person.  I have a certain amount of care and respect for you, and I expect the same from you.  If I cannot get the feel that there will be reciprocity, then you're not worth my time and effort.

I'm not trying to be a snob.  That is never my intention.  If we're going to be friends, then I'm willing to go the extra mile for you and give a little more when it's appropriate for me to do so.  I don't expect anything in return.  But, when the time comes, and I really do need your help, I expect that you would not walk away.

Is that too much to ask for?

I've never had a lot of friends, but I'm pretty confident that the ones that I do have around me would not disappoint me.