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There's two new items on your list.

Watches.

I took a closer look at one of them.  It has all the things you said you like in watch.  Analog.  White background.  Black numbers. Second hand.  And even an alarm.

And then that chest squeeze hit me.

I still remember you were showing me all the accessories you had.  Watches.  Rings.  Cuff links.  Everything I could imagine and more.  You had asked me to pick something to keep.

I hesitated, because I knew these were things dear to you.  How could I just take it from you?  But I knew why you offered and was touched.

Your offer meant a lot to me.  You were telling me that I was important to you.  You trusted me to keep your prized possessions safe.  You wanted me to take a piece of you and keep it close to me.  It was a subtle way for you to stay by my side.

You picked out a watch for me.  It was the first watch that you bought for yourself with the money you made from your first job.  Much more than I was ever deserving of.

In return, you asked for something of mine.  I didn't have much to give you.  I gave you a ring that I wore at the time.  I gave you another ring that I bought which didn't quite fit.  I gave you a bracelet that had my name engraved in it.  The rings didn't even fit your fingers, but you still wanted them.  The bracelet had my name on it and had a broken clasp, but you tried to wear it all the same.

For certain reasons, I had to give the watch back to you.  But you said that the watch would always belong to me.

What about now?  Is it still mine?  Would you still let me have it?

IMUL

Veronika Decides to Die

A few months ago, a FB post somewhere referred to this video, "Veronika Decides to Die", a movie made based on Paulo Coelho's book.  I had wanted to read the book first, but seeing as there is a lot of other reading for me to do in other areas, I went straight to the movie.

I had read brief summaries of the book.  All I knew was it was about a girl who seemed to have everything but decides to commit suicide.  I expected the movie to show what her successful life was like and then show whatever leads to her suicide, but that was not the case at all.  The movie starts with her committing suicide, and then shows how she deals with not dying and being put into a mental asylum.

I guess the movie talks about conforming or not conforming, about being different, about what you want versus what people want for you.  It talks about learning to live, when you find out that you're going to die.  Obviously, it goes into the topic of insanity.

I wish I could "live".

You need quite a bit of patience to watch this movie.  It's more internal than anything.  There never seems to be very much going on that you can see.  Anyhow, an interesting enough watch.  Sarah Michelle Gellar playing the main character was a bonus.  Plus, lots of thought-provoking quotes.

"In our society, we feel we must be happy.  If'we're not happy, we feel hopeless.  We feel like failures."

"Sometimes, being away from everyone, even loved ones, can help people get calm."

"In order to lose someone, you must first experience authentic attachment."

While trying to find the quotes again, I found other quotes from the book, itself.  This one particularly caught my attention:

"Don't be embarrassed about being loved.  I am not asking you for anything."

So similar to words that I've heard......

Just received...

Every few months I buy a couple of CD's.  Generally, it's HOCC, Chet Lam and AT17 (or Ellen or Eman).  There hasn't been anything else recently that I've liked enough to buy regularly.  Or maybe it's just my nostalgia getting to me.  Nothing else compares.

And here's the latest batch...all purchased from Chet Lam's site...because it comes autographed and limited edition...

Dream On Live DVD - Hopefully, I can watch this on the big TV and new sound system this weekend.  Although, doing so without interruptions is probably impossible.

One Magic Cabaret - Limited edition and only available on Chet Lam's site.  Came "free" with the DVD.  There are two or three songs there that I'm looking forward to.

三種幸福 - This is an old one from 2007.  I couldn't get it then because my credit card would never go through for whatever reason.  Finally.  Also a limited one.  Love the package.  Nice cover and the lyrics are each printed on a Polaroid style card.

Opening a CD or DVD package and looking at all the things inside is still one of the things that make me smile.  You never know really know what's inside.  The best part is reading what the artists' write, especially when it's their explanation of the message or theme.  Look at the lyrics.  Look at the credits.  None of this can be replaced by an MP3.

Now...if only I could share the moment with someone who gets it......

Charity

On the way home from work the other day, I walked into the subway station and noticed that there were kids collecting change.  While I looked for a token, I finally heard what they were saying.  The kids were collecting change, raising money for some program that gives kids breakfast.

I think there were three kids.  Each one held a container trying to collect change from all the people passing through.  From the time I stepped into the station to the time I passed the kids, I did not see a single person give them anything.

Considering it was rush hour on a weekday, a lot of people were passing through.  On top of that, this is a station in one of the busiest commercial areas in the city.  Lots of wealthy and professional people work in the area.  How come not one person is willing to spare some change?

I gave one of the kids a loonie and her response...

"Oh my god! Thank you! High five!"

So with a dollar, I helped a kid do her job, and helped whatever other kid is going to get a healthy breakfast.  Why not?

Over the last week, I've run into kids raising money quite a few times.  This kid in the subway station raising money for breakfast for needy kids.  One of my boss' kids raising money for their school.  Another little kid outside of the supermarket raising money for I can't even remember what.  I'm not rich, but in total I probably gave about $10.  It's not much, but at least I gave something.

I guess it hits a weak spot in me when it's a kid asking for donations.  After all, back then, I was one of them too: selling raffle tickets, selling chocolate, asking for sponsors, etc.  It was never easy.  So, now that I can afford to, why not?

So...since it's Thanksgiving this weekend...what am I thankful for?

Being able to give.

Next Steps

Weeks ago we did our first "formal" performance reviews at work.  Formal, in the sense that we had to fill out forms and have a meeting and talk about it.

So what was achieved in the 1.5 hours of discussion?

Probably not very much.

The process was intimidating.  After all, in the almost two years that I've worked full time, we've never done this before.  But, regardless, I am quite aware of what happens in the office and have always had a pretty good idea of where I stand.

In the 1.5 hour discussion with two of my bosses, everything was rather predictable.  There was nothing negative.  There was nothing that I didn't expect to hear.

I can do the work.  I can do the work faster and more accurately than a lot of people.  I can step up to the challenges.  I can take something and run with it.  That, I've proven a long long time ago.  I know that.  They know that.  I've always known why I'm the one that ends up with more work to do than others.  As unfair as it seems sometimes, I've always known that it's a good sign.  The only difference is that it's now been mutually confirmed.

The unanswered question:

Where do I go next?

Clearly, I have some value to this office.  They want me to stay and want to convince me that there are future opportunities here.  But is that really the case?  Considering there are a group of people that are ready to retire, and a group of people that could move up, I guess the potential is there.  But, as some say, if I stay at a small firm for too long, I may ruin my chances to go to bigger places.

In all honesty, I have no interest in going to a bigger place.  The environment is not for me.  I know that I'd be more comfortable in a smaller office like now.  But would that be limiting?

There is also a title issue.  It's been two years.  I'm about to get my third salary raise, but in terms of title I'm still the lowest of the professional staff, just like all the newest people in the office.  I can see my work load and responsibilities increasing, but I still need some sort of title change to make it all transferable to other places.  And I don't see this happening.

A lot of people are starting to jump ship.  Is it time I did the same?

Furniture

For the Nth time, my folks are trying to get in the process of renovating the kitchen.  It's been so-called in the works for years, and maybe this time it'll actually happen.  For what it's worth, I gave up all my time these past to days to this.  Tiring, and really not of much use to me.  In fact, I could have got a lot of reading done if not for this.

Anyhow.  It's all part of the deal.  This is one of my roles and I need to play it, and play it well.  It's all I have to counter anything that goes against me.

I hate furniture shopping.  It brings up things of the past and puts my future into question.

In a way, furniture is a very private thing.  It's open for the public to see, but is a direct reflection of the homeowner's taste and style.  Whether or not your home is inviting and comfortable all depends on how you put it together.

I don't remember exactly when it was that she asked for my opinion about her home.  She wanted to re-paint the walls.  So she showed me the paint colours she had picked out.  She told me how she wanted to switch around the furniture, and all the reasons for how she planned it out.  She wanted to buy a new sofa; one that would be long enough to lie down on.  The way she talked about it with me was almost like I lived there.

(Even though I didn't live there, I had my own seat on the sofa.  She said she always sat on the one side, because the other seat was reserved for me.  I could do whatever I wanted there; sprawl on the ground, lie on the sofa/coach, and even sleep in her bed.)

Unfortunately, the only part I ever got to see was the moving around of the existing furniture.

Whenever we look at home decor, my folks are always telling me I should re-furnish my room.  I've always brushed it off saying that it would be a big project that I don't want to deal with right now.  That is true, but not my main reason for saying no.

The main reason: why spend all the money (whether mine or theirs) to do renovations when potentially I will be moving out?

Ultimately, when I look at furniture and home decor, I imagine what I would do if I had my own place.  At this point, that is probably what I want most, because moving out opens the doors to a lot of other things.

My place.  My space.  My life.

Of course, a lot easier said than done.

Financially, it probably is possible.  It may be difficult, but manageable.  Relative to other things, this really is not a big issue.

The approval is the extremely challenging part.  What kind of feasible reason do I have for moving out?  Absolutely nothing.  Realistically, the only feasible reason is if I found a really good job in a completely different city.  But moving to another city would sort of defeat my purposes, so not necessarily the way I want it.

There are HUGE implications to whatever reason I can think of.  Regardless of what reason I give, the conversation (but really, it would be an argument) is all going to come back to one and only one thing: there must be a girl somewhere out there.

I wish that were true.  Then, at least, all the stress would be worthwhile.

A place of my own.

Years ago I wrote that in connection with a picture I found.  There was no need for words, because my reader immediately knew exactly what I meant.

Here I am, years later, still trying......

Healing

A very unlikely article on Lifehacker caught my attention the other day:
The Things Nobody Tells You About Grief

I've never really lost someone very close to me to death.  The one time it did happen, I was too young to really feel it.  But grief can arise from a lot of other reasons.

The article gives some good pointers about what to expect and what you can do for people who are experiencing grief, for whatever reason.  Interesting enough read.

But what caught a lot of people's attention, and mine:

"To finish, the biggest fallacy statement that gets bounced around is 'time heals'.  You learn to live with it. One of the worst pressures was thinking that by a certain date, I should be healed. Time lessens the sting; but for the griever, it’s almost a prison sentence without parole. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. You just have to get up each morning and hope something gives you a glimmer that gets you through the day."

How many times have I been told that "time heals"?

No.  It doesn't.  You just eventually learn to tolerate it, numb yourself and live with it.  I'm not sure I've numbed myself enough.

But on the other hand, this is what drives my faith......

Perhaps the risks I'm taking are not big enough either.  Without wrecking havoc and causing chaos, I take risks, and try to move in the direction that I need/want to go.  I don't know if I'll ever be successful.  Maybe, in the end, I'll still be left with nothing.  But, I'm trying.  For what it's worth.

The only way to heal is to get to the end of the story.