What Really Matters

[It's already mid-February and I still haven't done a roundup of 2013.  It's not that I've forgotten, I guess I've just been putting it off.  Perhaps there wasn't much to think about there anyway.  The good?  Done CFA Level I.  The bad?  I still feel like I'm not making any progress in other areas of life.  Not even sure where to start.]

People usually go on trips to wind down, relax and re-charge, but for whatever reason, trips always seem to take a toll on me.  Instead of being able to relax, the change of environment and daily routine always puts a lot on my mind.

Two weeks in a place that I've grown somewhat familiar with over the years.  I'm not even sure what I did over the two weeks, but there's definitely a lot to think about.

Over dinner one night, someone asked me what I would do if my parents decided to change environment.  This is a question that I've thought about many times, but I do not have an answer.  When the table around you is all family, the answer to this question has implications.  Practically, at this age, I should be where the opportunities are.  Mentally, the correct answer is to go with them.  Emotionally, it would be my chance to stay and turn my life around.  Of course, life never works the way you want it to.  Chances are that those three perspectives would all be mutually exclusive.

For the first time in twenty years, our family (three generations, 13 people) had CNY dinner together.  It's never easy to fit 13 people into a tiny unit.  You're always trying to get out of people's way.  But it's a scene that I love to see.  Big family, close together, at home, at the dinner table, having a home-cooked meal.  It may be cramped.  It may not be fancy food.  But it's exactly the way it should be.  I would choose this over everything else.

On another night, all 13 of us went out for a buffet dinner at a nearby hotel.  The occasion was a birthday.  It was never mentioned, but it was an 85th birthday.  This birthday was part of the reason we chose to make the trip at this time of the year.  It would have been perfect.  All 13 of us celebrating his birthday.  Unfortunately, early that day, the "birthday boy" received news that his brother had passed away.

I was with him the whole day.  He seemed calm, but I can't bear to imagine how painful it must have been for him.  He's a big family man.  He would do anything for his family.  To lose a loved one is the last thing he would ever want to happen.  There are times I look at him and he seems expression-less.  But it seemed there was nothing I could do for him.

For whatever reason, this time around, every time I sat beside him or her, I had the urge to give them a hug.  Perhaps I sometimes get the impression that they are upset.  For him, he's watched a few of his siblings pass away in the last few years.  For her, she's been through so much physical pain in the last year.  Or, perhaps a part of me is afraid of losing them.

After all of this, I can't help but ask myself if I'm in the right place.  Why am I here when all these important people in my life are on the other side of the world?  Why am I here when the chances to be with them are getting fewer every day?  Why am I here when I know that my presence makes them smile?  But, then again, I've lived most of my life here.  There are things here that I hesitate to leave behind.  There are things here that I am still searching for.

How do you choose?

Hit

I've been having a lot of dreams lately.  Strange dreams.  Perhaps I'm just not sleeping well after the trip.   Perhaps life is getting too stressful too quickly.  Perhaps what's coming towards me in the next few months is a little overwhelming.

I've waited too long to put it down in words.  I can no longer remember very much about what those strange dreams were......

There were people.  Familiar faces.  People that I'd like to see but, for various reasons, won't or can't.  The situations were always very strange.

One thing stood out......

I was in a crowd.  It seemed to be a party or something.  There were lots of people around, including people that I really want to see.  But then something happened.  Somebody pulled a gun and chaos broke out.  Maybe I got knocked over.  I was on the floor.  As everyone, myself included, scrambled to escape the scene, a bullet hit my knee......

Not sure what happened after that.

Very disturbing.

Why in the world would I dream of something like that???