Cheers...

The warmth of an embrace...

Replaced by the heat of my blood on alcohol.

Nobody hugs as deeply as you.

Maybe some day...

If...then why...?

If using my time to help someone else still results in me being told I'm ignoring my responsibilities, then why should I give up my time?

If everything I do out of goodwill can be overturned by one thing I can't change, then why should I bother?

If nothing will ever change, then why am I still here?

I hope you're aware that I am now perfectly capable of changing the game completely.

Don't tell me how bad it's been for you.  I don't want to hear it.  Why should I?...when you refuse to acknowledge what I think and feel and put the blame on my "choice".

You choose to reject something you know nothing about.  And that choice has made the last X years a nightmare for everyone.

Wake up.  Look at the world around you.  Times have changed.  Nobody cares.  You're the one that's in denial.

Enlightenment

About once a year, I have lunch with a few friends that I know from doing volunteer work in the past.  This is a "strange" group, because we are all completely different ages and do completely different things.  I am the youngest.  One is a nurse, probably a few years older than me.  Another is in her 40s, has a teenage son and works from home doing bookkeeping/admin work.  The last is in her 50s, has a son who is the around my age and works for a construction company.  Somehow, it works and (now that I think about it) we have known each other for just over ten years.

Conversations with this group are always full of surprises.  Everyone has such a different background and are at such different stages in life that everything and anything can come up.  One minute it's about home renovations, the next it's about immigration, and then somehow it got to politics.

The topic of politics lead to talk of the elections which lead to the controversial new sex ed curriculum which lead to LGBT.  This is not the first time that this topic has come up in this group.  For the most part, I already know that they are okay with it.

The one person started talking about her son's experience with LGBT people.  She said that at first he was very much against it.  Until very recently, he actually met and got to know a girl who had a girlfriend.  Over time, he realized that he could be friends with her and the girlfriend and that it really made no difference that they were dating.

Nice to hear something positive.  I know I've read/heard something similar before, but it's a little more encouraging when you hear it from the people around you.  But, of course, sometimes you never know what will happen until it happens.

If only some people around me could come to the same sort of enlightenment.  My life would be a lot easier.

Vroom...

Finally got around to "completing" my ride this weekend...

Zoom Zoom...

Hatchback...

Black...

And finally...

Tinted windows.

Not a stick shift, but that could be a good thing.

Anything else would be not quite right.

Just need my passenger...

Then and Now

Many years ago, you fell in love with the barely grown-up me.

Years down the road, if we met again today, would you fall in love (again) with the young professional me?

A lot has changed.  I am no longer the person I was then.  Neither are you.  Would the you now (still) love the person I am today?

Years ago, you brought out emotions in me that I never knew existed.

Years down the road, I still struggle to cope with what I feel for you.

A lot has changed.  But some things haven't.

You will always have that special place in my heart.

[...........]

Aug 10, 2015

Jeans.

Pink polo shirt.

Sneakers.

I'll never forget.

Where would we be now if not for the mess I created?

Struggling to keep my thoughts at bay.

Struggling with the weight on my chest.

Struggling to keep my eyes dry.

Out of sight.

But never out of mind.

[...............]...forever and a day.

If only you can (still) believe this...

Walking to the sunset

Parked my car today and set off on a long walk in the city...alone.

This parking spot is a familiar location.  The buildings are still mostly the same, but the streets are not.  Some roads have become pedestrian areas and they seemed extra empty today.  Perhaps I'm just not used to being in this place on a weekend in the summer.

Took a familiar walk around the streets and across the park.  Something is missing.  Something doesn't feel right.  Things have changed.  I once made this walk on a regular basis to some place on the other side.  But, for the life of me, I cannot remember where I went and why I went.

I do not know this area as well as I should.  My lack of direction lead me in a circle, but eventually I found what I was looking for, if anything.

The hot weather brought me to a coffee shop.  For the first time in a long time, I sat down and sipped my drink with a book.  A window seat, looking out to a familiar street.  I couldn't help but get distracted by every person that walked in.

Further down the street is a bakery.  It was getting late in the day, so I did not enter.  The bakery had a sign advertising a job opening.  But on the door, there was also a "For Rent" sign.  Is this place going to disappear on me too?

For whatever reason, I felt the urge to go to the water today.  Perhaps there's something soothing about the sight and sound of the waves.  Or, perhaps I'm subconsciously trying to fulfill some things on a bucket list that no longer exists.  Old man and the sea?

The sun was setting......

I once told someone that in between sunsets there is always a sunrise to look forward to.  I'm not so sure I know how to believe that anymore.  As much as I'd like to believe that there is a sunrise to look forward to, it's getting harder and harder to keep my faith in that.

The sun is setting...the sky is getting dark...and I don't know how to find my guiding star.

This is a journey that only I can finish.  There are things I need to do,  Maybe one day I will make it to my invisible destination.

Engraved

A friend recently bought some sort of ink online that mimics tattoos.  It gives the look of a tattoo, but ultimately washes out after a few weeks.  So, apparently, it's for people who want a tattoo but can't commit.

A while ago, an article showing some an unconventional pregnancy photo shoot lead me to the instagram of a couple - two women with two sons.  One of the pictures in the account revealed a tattoo - the word "home" over her left breast.

Home is where the heart is.

Very simple.  Very nice.  Something that has grown to mean so much to me.

You once told me that you thought it was stupid to tattoo someone's name on your body.  And then you went on to tell me that despite that, you were so in love that you would do it.

Let me say this now...

After all this time, I would still do it.

Even if, for all this time, you refuse to let me in.  Even if I can never make it happen.  Even if you choose to forget.

Because you've changed my life.  Because you mean so much to me.  Because you'll always have a piece of my heart.

Because...anything to keep a piece of you with me.

911

Recently, a friend called me to talk about her son who is going to university next year.  Every now and then she comes to me with questions about high school, university applications, etc.  Perhaps because I must be one of the few people that she knows that has gone through it recently.  Although, it's been over ten years since I graduated from high school.

From the many conversations, I know she is a pretty open-minded mother.  She's never been one to force her son into doing things and always tries to open up conversation with her son and ensure they communicate.  There have been times when she's said things and I wished my own mother could be as open minded as she is.  Of course, that's not entirely possible, because this person is closer to my age than to my parents' age.

Her son is interested in sports, sports medicine, physio, and the like.  I really couldn't comment much on that.  Nobody I know has really made it very far down that path.  Most took a turn somewhere along the way.  Then again, I do have clients in that area who seem to be quite successful.

She then went on to tell me her son also showed some interest in becoming a paramedic.

Of all things, it had to be this.  My opinion on this is probably biased, but I still told her what I thought.

It's hard.

Medic work requires a very specific set of skills and is very physical.  It's mentally and physically tiring.  Depending on the area where you work, you could be in dangerous situations.  It's really not as easy as some people think it is.  On top of that, a lot of people treat you like sh*t.

The part I didn't tell her was my part - looking on at someone you care about going out there as a medic...

The only good part is I'm proud to say I know/knew a medic.  They do important work and I have a lot of respect for what they do.  At the same time, for every shift, it makes me worry.  It really is not very different from a police or firefighter.  Are you out in the long, cold, wintry night?  Or on the side of a dangerous highway?  Or facing off with some crazy person?  Every time, I worry whether or not you'll come back safe.

If that's what he really wants to do, I would support it.  It's important to find something that you love and are passionate about.  But, if not, don't go down that route, because you will make your loved ones worry.

Windows down...music up...

There's nothing better than a summer drive with the windows down and the music up.  Unless, of course, it's with a passenger who loves it just as much.

Windows down.  Music up.  But in the driver's seat, the noise from the window being down is always louder than the left side speakers and ruins the music.

It's a stupid problem.  Nobody really cares.  But it matters when you want to hear everything in the music.

The funny thing is, there's someone out there that cares about this stupid problem as much as I do and did the same stupid thing I did...

Alter the balance of the speakers so that the left side is louder to compensate for the noise.

It's these quirky little things that are kind of pointless and stupid that you share that tell you yes.

Pillow Talk

Call me stupid, but I've always had a fascination with Ellen Loo.  Perhaps because she's the same age as me.  Perhaps because of something that I once heard.

In the past, I would never have shelled out the money to buy this book.  I guess you can say I can afford to now, but it's what's in the book that I was interested in.  Months ago it was revealed that Ellen was struggling with bipolar disorder and has gone through some rough times.  Perhaps, in some ways, this is a glimpse into something that I struggle to understand in my own life.

I'm not an avid reader.  I cannot judge whether or not Ellen's book was well written.  I really don't care about that.  What I'm interested in is what was she thinking and feeling during those dark times in her life?

It was hard to read.

How could this talented young woman whose music I've grown to love have such a dark side?  She always seemed so innocent and cheerful, but behind the scenes she was struggling to the point of hurting herself.  From the hand-holding backstage amidst all the glamour, to gestures from a friend that probably saved her life.  It was all so excruciating to read.

Perhaps the question for myself is...

Where do I fall along this spectrum?