Silent Voice

Starry starry night...

2012-02-13T23:06:00.014-05:00

I got off the bus this evening and made my five minute walk home. It was cold, but comfortably so. A bit of cold air to wake me up and to feel a bit more refreshed.

Perhaps the streets were a bit dark. For the first time in a while, I noticed the dark night sky. It was a surprisingly clear and starry night. It made me want to slow down and linger on the streets just a little longer, to enjoy the stars, to enjoy the darkness, to enjoy the calmness and peacefulness of the night.

Naturally, the first thing that came to mind was you.

You...wearing my mitts, with your scarf, and your unzipped jacket, walking beside me, down the cold winter streets.

It was a beautiful night. I would have liked to spend it with you, sitting by your window, looking out at the night sky.

Did you see the stars tonight?

Where have you gone, my shining star?

Reading the stars...

2012-02-12T01:34:00.000-05:00

My horoscopes are always so interesting.....

From Cainer:
Your Week Ahead - Love Focus: Are you being asked for something you cannot supply? Perhaps you are misunderstanding the question? Perhaps you are jumping to a conclusion about what someone wants or needs? There is now a strong celestial suggestion of strength. Whatever you truly require, you have either got or you can get. If it is necessary for you to fulfil another person's request, there has to be a way. Talk to someone you trust. Share your fears and your feelings. Remember, true romance is not about making an impression; it is about deepening a connection.

From Astrocenter.com:
Over this special week expect intrigue and plenty of drama. Things may not be as they seem, especially where friendship and romance are concerned. During this very romantic Valentine's period, you won't have much trouble getting noticed and finding someone to love. But don't get too hooked too quickly. A secret affair turns hot and heavy midweek, so watch out for that one. Someone has something to share with you over the weekend that could make you tingle all over.

If only there was some truth in these...

Verdict

2012-02-11T15:56:00.000-05:00

Another strange strange dream. It must be a mix of my (subconscious) thoughts and life and that book I was reading.

A very grand church or cathedral.
A priest or monk figure of some kind.
Accusations.
Condemnations.

And me...trying to save/redeem myself and the person by my side.

It must be all those things that are significant to me. It must be my mischievous thoughts. It must be my deep down fears.

How does the story end? People being burned alive like in the book? Or a happy ending with the people that matter? I have no idea, nor can I see it down the road.

Maybe I know you...

2012-02-09T00:43:00.001-05:00

Most (if not all) social networking sites have a "People You May Know" function. It, indeed, does list a whole lot of people that I know in some way or form, but not necessarily people I'd like to connect with. For the most part, the people on those lists are (1) people I knew a long time ago; (2) people I met briefly and have contacts for; (3) people that I don't know but have mutual friends. Generally, I rarely add people from that "People You May Know" list.

When I signed into my account on a particular site today, the "People You May Know" list put a new name at the top of my list. That person had "just" joined the site.

Yea...I may know this person......

I know this person didn't just join. I know there's been an account has been there for a month or two. I've visited the page several times and found out something or other. But for whatever reason, the computer now suddenly thinks I should be connected to this person.

The irony is...as much as I'd like to, I cannot hit that "add" or "connect" button.

So close, yet so far.

So far, yet so close.

But, more importantly, even if I can't directly connect or see everything that's contained there, I just really want to know what's going on.

What I see makes me worried...

My Illicit Affair

2012-02-07T23:47:00.006-05:00

The TV show I was watching had (1) a son with a gf that his mother did not approve of; and (2) a daughter having an affair with a married man.

Both the son and the daughter had huge arguments with the mother:

"我係你阿媽就有權管你."

"你究竟知唔知咩係岩咩係錯?"

"你點解要拆散人地個家庭?"

"你為左個女人咁樣對阿媽!"

It sounds all too familiar. I've heard it all before, and other things that are worse and more nasty and more hurtful.

So, I guess what this means is...

In some people's eyes, what I have/had is (worse than) an illicit affair.

Giving away my secrets...

2012-02-01T23:39:00.001-05:00

For whatever reason, all the bad things always happen at the worse possible times. Of the 365 days in the year, this conversation had to take place today. If only I had 'luck' like this all the time.

You can call me selfish. You can call me greedy. But my actions are more than words. You're entitled to your opinion, but I'm also entitled to mine. I've done more than expected in a way you dislike. In the end, I don't see how there's a difference between what I did and what you want.

If I was selfish, I would not still be here today. If I was selfish, I wouldn't be giving you more than you expect. If I was selfish, I would have left 6 years ago.

All along, I've been wondering what you're thinking and whether you've had a change of mind/heart. Today, I finally know.

You say I have many secrets. Perhaps that's true. But the secrets only exist because you refuse to hear the truth. If you could listen to me and accept what I say, there would be no need for secrets, and I would gladly share the ups and downs with you. But after all these years, you still refuse to see things my way. You leave me no choice but to keep playing this game and keeping my secrets.

Perhaps there are things you know without me even saying it. You will think whatever you want, even though I chose not to admit or deny anything today. Your thinking is correct, and you know exactly why. In the end, we both know very well what the issue is and what's going on right now. Things are just waiting to happen, and one of these days, it's all going to explode.

I tried to brush this all off today and not let it get to me, but that never seems to work. Certain things that were said today keeps coming back in my head. Perhaps it's because some of it was really upsetting.

But I know what bugs me most is that I have nothing. I destroyed my relationship with one person in hopes of saving another, only to see both sides abandon me. In the end, I've lost both sides and am worse off than before.

Worth it? I have no idea where this is taking me. A part of me is stuck in time, holding on to something dear to the heart. A part of me wants to give up on everything and simply walk the rest of the journey alone. In the end, perhaps it doesn't make a difference.

其實...

2012-01-31T23:43:00.000-05:00

其實唔係我冇心，只係做法唔同。

其實我咩都冇講過，但係你會當我係默認。

其實唔係我有好多秘密，只係你唔想聽。

香港人

2012-01-18T01:05:00.040-05:00

Every now and then I meet new people at school, at work, at whatever. If the new person I happen to be meeting is Chinese, at some point, they'll ask me, "Are you from China?"

This is supposed to be a simple yes or no question, but it's not.

So my usual answer is, "I'm from HK." I don't say yes or no, because neither is completely appropriate.

Some people will accept that and move on. Some people will start saying how HK is part of China so that means I'm from China and so on and so forth.

There was a time in high school when the school was collecting some statistical data. On one of the papers, it asked what country you were born in. My friend sitting next to me said, "What do we answer here? HK? But HK is part of China. I'm not putting that I'm from China! Whatever! I'm putting HK!"

Well...that says it all.

Sorry if this may sound a little racist or whatever. And I do know some people from China that are very good and respectable people that are my friends.

But, yes, there's a difference.

I'm pretty sure most, if not all, HKer's would never say that they're from China.

Roses are red...

2012-01-14T00:58:00.011-05:00

While on the bus home today, I noticed the little girl (probably around 10 years old) sitting next to me seemed really happy and excited. After a while, I sort of figured out why. She was clearly fascinated by the sight of a girl who was holding a bouquet of roses received from her boyfriend.

In turn, I thought it was kind of funny that this little girl was so excited about the flowers.

Do all girls like to receive flowers?

I've never actively wanted to receive flowers. To some extent, I think flowers are sort of a waste because it's not something you can keep. I'd much rather receive something that I could keep forever. But, I guess it would still be sweet to receive flowers from the person you love.

But thinking about this, I remember something written somewhere in the tree hole mentioning bringing flowers. Would she really have done it if circumstances allowed?

At some point in the past, I also wondered if she would have liked me to bring her flowers on her special day. At some point, I considered doing it.

I'd say...the her I know would probably have the same view as me.

"Professionals"

2012-01-13T22:14:00.021-05:00

In the last few years, we've always been taught that a "professional" is highly trained, highly competent, highly regulated, and must adhere to a code of conduct and code of ethics.

It's f**king amazing how irresponsible some so-called professionals can be.

Person 1 says they did A.
Person 2 has no idea what's going on.
Person 3 says they never did A.

Either somebody made a mistake, or somebody lied. Both of which should not be happening considering the environment and the people.

Can't you people pay a little more attention and be a little more careful?

I remember someone telling me how amazing this place is, and how the people are very intelligent and competent. But I'm sorry to say that I really don't see it, at least not with the people I've encountered.

Back to square one.
Back to uncertainty.
Back to......fear.

Going Home

2012-01-06T22:58:00.051-05:00

Because of the job I'm on, I spent the week at the client's office instead of at our own office. Being unfamiliar with the area, I used my intuition to take random routes home after work.

By chance, I came upon a "familiar" street. I've never drove on this street before, nor did I know where it is until now.

I can remember the exact words of that voicemail message.

That was the one time that I made use of my special privileges.

There's something special about waiting for someone to come home, about opening the door for them, about being there to greet them.

Especially when it's not your house, but still your "home".

No Free Lunch

2012-01-04T01:18:00.002-05:00

A raise comes with a price.

First work day of the year and I've been given a challenge. I've been thrown to a client to complete a job all by myself. This is the first time I'm doing this kind of job on my own, and it's the first time I need to deal with a client on my own, and there is a unspoken expectation that I get most of this done tomorrow. It's a bit intimidating.

So now's my chance to prove that I can do this and that I'm worth what they pay me (and some more).

Let's hope I can pull this off.

2012 Outlook

2012-01-02T23:21:00.001-05:00

This is amazingly optimistic in all the right ways.
If only I could believe it.
If only the stars would give me all the things that they owe me.

*sigh*

So lost.

Secrets Uncovered

2012-01-01T23:49:00.001-05:00

Perhaps, even before I agreed to hanging out with this group last night, I knew that there were certain topics that would, inevitably, come up during the conversations. And, as expected, they did. I guess everyone has a certain amount of curiosity, especially when it's a 'niche' circle like this.

The last time I went out on New Year's Eve was many years ago. There was no countdown, nothing special, and we barely noticed when the clock struck 12am. But a lot of things happened that night, and it changed a lot of things in my life.

Last night, on New Year's Eve again, I went out with some friends. For the first time, I told a bit about what was started on that New Year's Eve many years ago. A rather strange (and somewhat awkward) experience. I thought I'd be okay talking about it with this group of people that (for the most part) I've judged to be trustworthy people, but it was harder than I thought.

Either I'm still very confused, or I'm a f*cking idiot whose making excuses for myself. I'm inclined to think it's a bit of both.

At the same time, the conversation brought up a lot of things for me to think about...

2011 Recap

2012-01-01T15:43:00.000-05:00

It's been a heck of a year...

Finished school for a second time. The good is that I've added another credential to my name, although very few people will ever know what it is. The bad is that school days are really over now and it's time to move into the "real" world.

Work started out as the work term at the beginning of the year. That was more challenging than the first work term, but I did well enough to round myself a big bonus. Now, it's the real thing. Hard to believe that I've been working FT for almost 3 months now. The bad is I don't like working with a classmate that I'm not close with. The good is I have a lot more free time now.

Professionally, the exams are all done. Done and passed. This has been the most insanely stressful exam process I've ever gone through. So glad it's over. So glad that me and my two friends/classmates made it all the way through together and nobody got left behind. Perhaps, now is the time to think about what I will pursue (academically/professionally) next, if anything.

Socially, I think a lot of things have changed. There are people that were in my life this year that I know I'll probably never see again. There are people that have gone through a lot with me and I think we can be friends for life. And then there are people that I've developed a stronger or deeper or more meaningful friendship with than before. For the most part, I guess things have changed for the better.

Family-wise, I guess nothing has really changed. My impression is that the same problems and issues still exist. But then there are times when some things hint to me that perhaps it can get better. Maybe it's just me trying to be optimistic. Or, hopefully, time can really change some things.

Personally, it's been more down than up. I made several hopeless attempts in many different ways this year. All were a failure. Sometimes I don't know why I even bother to keep trying when it just gets harder every single time. But, I do admit, when I saw this person in front of me again for the first time in 5 years, it still got to me.

It's been quite a year, mentally and emotionally. But, overall, I guess it was still a good year.

Perhaps, 2012 will be better...

Unrequited

2011-12-29T23:39:00.000-05:00

I guess I've failed again.

A little more disappointment.
A little less hope.

I've lost count.

Radar

2011-12-26T01:22:00.000-05:00

While picking up some elderly relatives from church today, I stood in the crowded lobby of the church for a while waiting. At some point in time, I noticed a person standing by the doorway, also with an elderly woman. A tall girl with glasses and boyish short hair. Her clothes weren't fancy or dramatic enough to really show anything, but my gut feeling was that she was a TB.

At one point, we made eye contact and, surprisingly, she smiled at me. At that moment, I think there was a mutual understanding. After all, how often do you see an evidently TB-ish person at a Catholic church? Pretty rare.

That brief moment with the stranger made me chuckle.

My Kind of Christmas...

2011-12-25T18:26:00.001-05:00

Earlier today, I was thinking about how everything is closed today and there's not much to do. So the question was...what would my ideal Christmas day would be like?

An ideal Christmas day would be lazily lounging around on the sofa, snuggling up with someone I love, watching TV/movies, with a nice cup of tea.

(Or actually, I guess I wouldn't mind doing that any day. But it seems especially suitable for a cold, wintry, Christmas day.)

Still...wishing...dreaming...

Christmas Eve Out

2011-12-25T01:12:00.003-05:00

For the first time in many years, I did not spend Christmas Eve at home with family.

I've always thought of Christmas as a time to be spent at home with family. I guess because, traditionally, it's a time when everyone has big family reunions for a big Christmas dinner. But, for many reasons, I chose not to stay home today.

Seeing as there was absolutely nothing planned at home, there was no particular reason/need for me to stay home. And, for sure, there are a few days that are already planned to be spent with them. So, I mind as well spend the time with friends since there were actual plans.

On a different plane, I am (1) trying to build a different network of friends, (2) preventing myself from thinking about other things, and (3) changing the way my life works. But, at the same time, I'm really playing with fire, every single time.

I had more than one invitation to Christmas Eve hang outs today, but I chose the one that I chose. In the end, it's always a little more enjoyable to hang with like-minded people. No need to hear about people complaining about their bf's. No need to strategically fend off questions about my personal life. No need to put up my guard.

Perhaps the topics of the night were kinda strange, but still a good night with good company. Even chatting about such random (and perhaps even pointless) things, you can still learn a lot about each person, and about yourself.

What did I learn today?

I learned that I'm very bad at caring for other people.

Now that's something to think about.

Pen and Paper

2011-12-19T23:59:00.002-05:00

Ironically...just saw a friend's fb status...

She was happy about getting a letter. Yes, a real pen and paper, handwritten letter, and not an email.

There's something about a handwritten letter that makes it special...

Relatively speaking, it takes a long time to write a letter, when you compare it with the mere seconds it takes to shoot out an email. So when someone takes the time to hand write a letter, you know they truly care.

There's no backspace key or delete key when you hand write a letter. It's whatever the person was thinking at the time, with nothing hidden, without any editing. Everything is real. (Not entirely true, I guess.)

And, of course, you see the physical object. What kind of paper did the person use? What does his/her writing look like? How is the paper folded? All, a projection of the writer.

Something so simple, yet so magical.

Hopefully, I've worked a bit of magic.

The day after...

2011-12-18T23:05:00.018-05:00

OK.
Now it's getting to me.

I'm very good at doing things I will later regret, and I'm very good at making a complete fool of myself.

F**k.
What did I do?

Memory Jolt #87283

2011-12-17T23:02:00.001-05:00

Somehow or other I ended up at a certain plaza today.

For all these years, I've never set foot there, simply because it's not a place that I would think of going to.

All of a sudden, everything from that night replayed in my head...

The snowy weather...

The movie...

The honking cars...

The couch...

And how everything happened that night...

Just a few words...

2011-12-16T01:10:00.001-05:00

For the longest time, I've tried to convey a message with as little words as possible. Sometimes, less is more. Or, perhaps, I'm afraid to say too much.

This time around, I did something different. There's just too many things I wanted to say this time. One line would never suffice.

I spent a long time thinking, and a long time drafting. But, in the end, there wasn't enough time and space to put down everything that I had in mind.

Ironically, as I sat there, I turned around and saw two uniformed people sitting behind me having lunch.

I just realized I forgot something very important.

I'm unusually calm about it this time around. Yes, I worry. But, in the end, I won't know what happens anyway, so perhaps it doesn't matter. Blurt it all out and hope for the best.

A card, my business card, and a few words.

("A few words" is a huge understatement.)

Hoping for the best.

God bless.

Storyteller

2011-12-14T01:34:00.001-05:00

It's immensely difficult to write something and get it just right.

I'm setting off to make a fool of myself, yet again. I've done it many times this year already. So I guess once more won't hurt.

Trust me.
I'm telling you a story.

Chicken Scratch

2011-12-13T01:22:00.000-05:00

Time is passing...

Should I blurt it all out and hope for the best?
Or carefully craft this and play it safe?

Or...maybe, in the end, there really is no difference?

Where are we going?

2011-12-11T23:52:00.001-05:00

My strange and awkward moments this weekend...

This weekend we had some family friends over. At some point in time, the conversation between my mom and this family friend went something like this...

(The "she" and "her" here is referring to me.)

Friend: Was there ever a time when she was very rebellious?
Mom: Ummm...not really.
(Conversation goes on...)
Friend: Was there a time when your relationship with her was very bad?
Mom: Ummm...no.

And all the while, I'm sitting here listening/watching this go on. Of course, she answered no to both questions. But that's not true at all.

Was I ever very rebellious? From my mom's point of view...of course, and extremely so. What could be more rebellious than me going out with a girl?! From my point of view, I was just trying to make her understand and see it from my perspective.

Was there a time when our relationship was very bad? Definitely. I bet there was at least a year when we didn't talk at all.

What was she thinking?

After getting my hair cut and washing my hair, it ended up a little frizzy and sticking up at the top. My mom was commenting and called me...

A Monchhichi.

*shock* Not sure if I should be scared or happy or angry about that.

Of all things, why would she call me that? Scared, because I wonder if she's trying to test me out again. After all, she definitely knows the significance that Monchhichi has to me. Happy, because it's kinda funny that she mentioned this without realizing what she'd just done. Angry, because the use of this "name" is "reserved", and I don't want someone else using it.

Honestly, can't we just have a real conversation and get all this over with?

Memphis

2011-12-09T23:32:00.002-05:00

The show we saw tonight...

I can't remember the last time I saw a musical. It must have been on a school trip or something. But they've always been enjoyable. Nothing beats a live show.

Overall, this was a good show. Perhaps it's because I haven't watched one in so long. For some reason, it seems like there was A LOT of singing in this one and very little dialogue. I guess because it's a musical about music. Good performance and lots of amazing singers/performers.

But actually, what I find more amusing is my office's choice of entertainment. Today it was "Memphis", a musical about white vs black people in the 1950s. Two years ago, it was the musical "My Mother's Lesbian Jewish Wiccan Wedding". No need to explain that. Both rather controversial. Evidently, I work with some pretty tolerant and open-minded people!

Up!

2011-12-07T23:07:00.019-05:00

As expected, and as I was hoping. =)

I don't know if I can really say I love this job, but I know I'm very lucky to have it. What more can you ask for than nice bosses, nice people and good pay?!

Another reason to splurge!

Stop & Think

2011-12-07T02:13:00.000-05:00

It's time to stop and think about what I'm doing.

A friend asked me why she doesn't feel all that excited about passing the exam. In a way, that is also the way I feel. I am more relived than happy or excited.

My answer to that was that the end of the exams means you need to wake up and deal with all the other things in life, because you no longer have an excuse not to. The reality is, that might not be her reason, but it definitely is mine.

All the school and exams are done now. It's time to think about what to do next. It's time to think about what I really want from my life.

This is where the hard part begins.

Another Step Closer

2011-12-03T00:47:00.050-05:00

Another big step closer to adding another two letters after my name.

When my clock at work read 11:56am today, I went to the website thinking I want to find out the very first moment that the results are released. To my surprise, they were already there. Clicking and scrolling through the pages was the hardest. Before I even got there, my phone was already ringing.

I did it. I passed this exam that is recognized as one of the most difficult professional exams in the world. =)

But the best part is WE did it. All three of us that studied through all the exams together. We all made it through, and nobody was left behind. That is the best feeling.

A year ago from now, we were all starting to study for the very first exam. Everybody was stressed out then, but compared to this, that was very easy. It's been a stressful year: endless hours of studying, endless hours of case writing, exam after exam. But here we are.

Thank you to my two study buddies who taught me so much through our endless hours together in the library. Thank you to our other study friends. Thank you to all my other friends who have listened to me complain and kept me going through the most stressful times. Perhaps some of you don't even know you've helped me, but you have in the some very subtle but important ways. I couldn't have done it without all of you.

One last time...

2011-12-02T01:32:00.000-05:00

If I say I'm okay, that would be a lie, and the whole world knows it.

At some point today, I thought to myself, maybe I'll just get somebody to check the results for me. I can't bear to look.

If times were different, that's probably what I would do. But there isn't anyone in my life right now that I'd be willing to assign this important and fragile task to.

So...suck it up...put on a brave face...and wait another 9.5 hours.

Good luck everyone.

Brugada Syndrome

2011-11-29T23:44:00.023-05:00

Otherwise known as Sudden Unexpected Death Syndrome. A genetic condition where you could die suddenly for no apparent reason.

Thankfully, it's a negative.

How would you change your life if you knew that you could go to sleep at night and maybe never wake up again? After all, people always say you should live every day as if it were your last.

Perhaps the scare was not a bad thing. At least it pushed me to do something that I had never found the courage to do.

It has been an extremely emotionally exhausting day in so many ways. The whole day, I've been worrying about one person and, at the same time, thinking about another person. An extremely conflicting position to be in. At times, I feel bad that this is what was going through my mind. But, what can I do? They are both people that I care deeply about.

Hopefully, this was the very last time. I cannot handle another round of this.

Deja vu

2011-11-29T00:24:00.000-05:00

The thought of tomorrow's events makes my head spin.

For one thing, there is risk involved, however low it may be. It still exists. Nobody can be sure of anything.

On the other hand, maybe we'll get some answers. The answer might not make a difference, but perhaps it's still good to know.

But the thought of going to this place makes me tense. The possibility of running into someone. The possibility of my worlds colliding again.

At the same time, a part of me wants it to happen. Let's deal with it all once and for all.

The thought of this entire process brings back a memory. It reminds me of something that (to me) was the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to me.

There are too many things that can go wrong. There are too many ways that this could end badly. There are too many stressful things happening all at once.

Praying that things go smoothly.
Praying for some miracles.

遺傳自你的喜好...

2011-11-28T22:07:00.002-05:00

Stopped by Second Cup this morning and bought a green tea latte to start my day. Walked to the office with my drink and ipod in hand and this song came up.

There is a line in the song that says "遺傳自你的喜好..."

All of a sudden, something hit me and I noticed my own actions...

How did I develop the habit of buying and sipping tea/coffee while I'm on the go?

It was her. Whenever she met me on campus, she would always want to buy a coffee. 99% of time, I'd be the one buying it. It was one of the few things she'd willingly let me do for her. And then, we would sit and chat, or just enjoy each other's company. It didn't matter what we talked about. It didn't matter if we didn't talk at all. It was being together that mattered. Somehow, in that silence, the connection was there.

I only wish we could have had tea more often instead.

Since then, every now and then, and especially when things get stressful, I have the urge to buy myself a drink. Do I really like the taste of coffee that much? I don't know. Perhaps it's psychological more than anything. Perhaps it's the closest thing to alcohol I can get on a regular basis.

For some reason, my drink didn't taste so good today...

The countdown begins...

2011-11-26T23:50:00.003-05:00

Someone has sent me a message asking me something. It's the most inappropriate question at the most inappropriate time. So I've decided I'm going to ignore it and not answer.

It's starting to get to me.

For the last few weeks, I was still able to say that I'm not nervous. It was still far away enough for me to not care and not think about it.

Here we go.

Everybody is watching.

This is at least the sixth countdown to a high stress event this year. Hopefully, it'll be the last I ever have to endure. This is way too much to handle for my mind and heart. (But then again, I've seen much worse things.)

Regardless of what happens, there will be drinks next Friday. Hopefully, it'll be for good reasons.

給金牛座的1封信

2011-11-25T23:55:00.016-05:00

Also from fb...

牛兒有大地的特質，承擔一切，喜歡保護弱小，擅長照顧別人。簡直到了犧牲奉獻的地步。尤其對於情人的要求，會放在第一位。甚至不等對方開口，都能察覺對方心意事先為對方准備好。牛牛的心很軟，很敏感。會因為悲劇的情節或他人的不幸而流淚。

牛牛：特悶騷，特害羞，特膽小，沒安全感，佔有欲強，控制欲強，容易胡思亂想，多疑，極敏感，嫉妒心強，容易吃醋，忽冷忽熱，忽遠忽近，愛顧影自憐，雙重性格，嚴重精神分裂，特大號神經病。

牛牛的愛情，講究一步一個腳印，而不是敗絮其中的徒有外表。牛牛一旦愛上了，就一頭扎進去。他們會從細節入口，一寸寸的呵護這份緣妙不可言的愛情。金牛對待愛情的這股認真勁兒，即使沒有甜言蜜語，卻實實在在做著牽手到永遠的努力，牛牛給予的愛情你傷不起。

牛牛脾氣很倔，如果有天真的把他惹怒了，絕對敢和你同歸於盡。讓牛牛消氣很容易，不管是金牛男還是金牛女，也不管對異性或者同性，只要你撒撒嬌說兩句軟話，包准牛牛不會再有脾氣。但如果是欺騙他，那你要做好被傷心的準備吧!牛牛的世界對欺騙者可是很無情的哦。

不善改變，他喜歡的就一直喜歡；他不喜歡的就永遠都不會喜歡。金牛可以為朋友兩肋插刀，可以做任何事。但他討厭被別人利用，所以如果你想與金牛交朋友就不要利用他。如果他知道了，雖然嘴上不說但是心裡會開始慢慢討厭你。

牛牛生性渴望理解，卻不奢求理解安於孤獨。他的優勢在於，對於別有用心的人能夠一眼看穿，並完全做到視若無睹。也許當自鳴得意時牛牛想的正是不和這頭牲口一般見識！看他就是這樣的心態清高地忍，讓憂鬱地承受卻酷得乾脆利落，只要不觸動他的底線一切都好。

一向以守財奴出名的金牛，面對自己重視的人卻可以非常的大方。對牛牛而言，一些不必要的花費是可以省下來的。但若遇到重要時刻，他可是花大錢絕不手軟，對情人更是大方。對牛牛來說花多少錢在情人身上，是表現愛意的最好方式。只要覺得有價值，牛牛是不會捨不得的。

Am I like this? In so many ways, yes.

Or...

Someone once told me that you portray yourself as one sign, and are viewed by others as another.

So...to the rest of the world...am I the Taurus or the Aries?

給白羊座的1封信

2011-11-24T23:55:00.000-05:00

Saw this on fb....

白羊的人生可以用兩個字概括：糾結。

不管從哪一方面來說，白羊本身就是一個矛盾的個體。

與白羊相戀須知：１.很慢熱，我很冷漠　２.很直接，討厭轉彎３.不喜歡說話，也不喜歡你太吵　４.喜歡自由的感覺，討厭囉嗦５.心智很成熟，看事很透徹　６. 很絕　７.需要行動證明愛我。

羊羊人看上去不拘小節，其實感情上道德上有絕對潔癖。觸動原則的任何錯誤，哪怕再小都沒有辦法彌補。決絕的轉身不回頭，不難過，不留遺憾，不內疚。因為內心已經想的很明白，問心無愧，犀利得一塌糊塗。

你的一點關心，心思細膩的白羊會記得你對他的好。把自己的愛毫無保留的送給你，白羊是不被了解的可他們不會怨誰。他們會傻傻的認為讓我承擔吧，別讓別人也受到傷害。所以別讓他們最有魅力的笑容，成為掩飾痛苦的偽裝認真愛白羊，你會知道白羊的愛是充滿淚水的。

羊羊內心都很善良，很柔軟。羊羊內在的感性絕對不會亞於雙魚。羊羊真的是毫無心機地活在這個世界上。他善良得如此無私，往往讓人覺得不真實。他很怕被人誤解，尤其是被自己在乎的人誤解。羊羊其實本身真的很正直，確實耍不來心機。即使不被理解被誤解也依舊試著解釋。

白羊的反擊力很強，吵架的時侯羊羊可能會說一些很讓人傷心的話相信我羊羊真的不是故意的，那是他的直覺反應。吵架就是要吵贏！羊羊很可能一說出口就後悔了。可是很難拉下臉來衷心的道歉。不要跟白羊生氣，放他一馬。我保證他會很感激對你加倍的好。

羊很懶，不想活得那麼累。能簡單，盡量簡單。不愛解釋，始終認為懂自己的不用解釋。不懂自己的不必解釋。不想管那麼多不相干的事，他們只挑自己愛做的事。要嘛不做，要做就做到最好。其實羊羊也是完美主義者。

白羊座對好朋友可以很熱情，亂七八糟聊個不停。對比較普通的朋友很冷淡，聊不上幾句就沉默。羊羊很珍惜對他的好朋友，感覺是壞的叧有意疏離。羊羊的普通朋友很多，好朋友沒幾個。羊羊很孤獨常常自己一個人，一個人吃飯，一個人上學，一個人逛街，一個人發呆。

白羊真的沒辦法一心二用。聊手機時會把電影暫停，工作時不知道聽的是哪首歌，思考時不知道你在說的什麼。因為羊羊的注意力只能集中在其中之一，白羊們更不會去花心。因為羊羊喜歡簡單。腳踩兩條船，對羊羊而言是非常麻煩及複雜的事情，羊羊懶得去做因為羊羊真的很懶。

The part that strikes me the most is the self-giving part...

Yes, I hear you. No, I'm not gonna let you see me react.

2011-11-23T23:09:00.010-05:00

Every now and then my mother tells me about the funny conversations she has with the neighbours. There's lots of stupid things. And then there's "interesting" things like today...

She told me that the teenage boy across the street is getting ready to choose his university and career path. And then she tells me that the latest news is that he wants to be...

A paramedic.

=_=

You've got to be kidding me.

Why is she telling me this? Is it really just casual conversation about the ridiculous things that our neighbours do? Or is she trying to see how I react to the word "paramedic"? Does she really think that I've completely forgotten about X? Does she really think that it's over?

It's not. It never will be, until we can have a real conversation about it all. That's the blatant truth.

And of course, (I think) she has absolutely no clue that two months ago she was walking right behind X. Nor does she know that I've been (somewhat) actively trying to contact X behind her back. Nor does she realize that I still care very much.

*sigh*

That aside. This may be a bad thing to say, but I hope that that kid across the street never becomes a medic. I would never entrust my life in his hands. And honestly, how could he possibly do it? He's not fit, nor very bright, nor reliable. And it's absolutely not the high-paying and easy job that they think it is. It's a difficult process, hard work, and dangerous.

And yes, I know I get worked up whenever there's something about medics.

Mystery

2011-11-20T01:42:00.000-05:00

A transfer from a TTC 133 Neilson bus dated Jan 31.

Why do I have this? Where did it come from?

As far as I can remember, I've never been on that bus, and the route number is not even familiar at all.

What did I do on Jan 31st? Where did I go? Who did I see?

Keep on waiting...

2011-11-18T00:29:00.002-05:00

There is the chance that things could go wrong.

There is the chance that it's not so simple at all.

There is the chance that we will revisit the past.

There is the chance that I'll run into a familiar face.

There is the chance for a lot of disappointments, in many different ways.

When I've finally mentally and emotionally prepared myself for everything that could possibly happen, you tell me we have to wait some more, and I need to maintain this state of mind for a while longer.

*sigh*

Bottles

2011-11-14T00:16:00.003-05:00

There is something about drinking out of the bottle that makes it different. The feeling that you don't need to think. The feeling of washing everything away, at least temporarily. The feeling that everything around you has disappeared for a split second.

Just one bottle tonight. Didn't feel it at all. Wasn't quite enough.

Perhaps it's the failed attempts. Perhaps it's the unfinished business from this past week. Perhaps it's the things that are about to happen this week.

If only there really was a way to numb myself.

Class 2011

2011-11-10T23:33:00.029-05:00

It's official. Another four letters.

Congrats, Class 2011. It's been a long two years and some, but we all made it, together.

I guess, for the most part, tonight was a good night.

There was just one thing missing.

But perhaps I don't deserve it.

Over three years later, I carry the same regrets into this ceremony, and leave the same imperfection.

Our pics were in the papers today...

Perhaps you saw it.

癡情司 MV #2

2011-11-08T00:12:00.000-05:00

This MV reminds me of things, brings back a certain feeling, and makes me wanna cry.

The wonder of realizing that you could love someone so much, and that they love you back just as much.

The feeling that someone is tight in your arms, but you cannot hold on to them, and they are still very far away.

The feeling that someone far away is very very close.

The feeling of knowing your time is almost up, counting down the minutes and seconds, clinging on to every moment.

The feeling of never wanting to let go.

The sorrow of knowing that it won't last.

The sorrow of having to let go.

The sorrow of losing someone.

Nothing compares.

Nothing hurts as much.

2011-11-07T22:56:00.003-05:00

There's only three tickets. =(

I still have a ticket from the 2008 convocation. Compared to that ticket, these are bigger and slightly nicer. But this time around, I don't have an extra ticket to "spare" or "keep".

What I had hoped for two years ago cannot come true.

With a bit of time to spare, I walked around the campus a bit after picking up my tickets. Perhaps it was a bad idea. From the various halls, to the streets, to the coffee shops. Every little thing tugs at me. At times, it's too much to bear.

I saw people lining up to go into the hall for their convocation ceremony. People are happy, and excited. But like three years ago, while watching these people, and thinking of my own convocation that is to take place, I don't feel it.

All I can think of is the same regrets, the same imperfections, the same sorrow.

It's just not complete.

Reverse Search

2011-11-06T00:21:00.000-04:00

Flipping through the phone book on my phone, a name caught my attention...

The phone number is one that I've never called, and the name belongs to a person I've never met.

Quick search...

The phone number belongs to a house that is less than 5min from where I work, on a street that I pass by every day when I drive.

How interesting.

The Good Times and Bad

2011-11-05T22:24:00.001-04:00

While chatting with M over dinner last night, we started talking about the release of the exam results that will be happening in less than a month. We never talked about it before, but we clearly have the same thoughts...

When she said she was gonna buy a case of beer for the exam release date, I knew exactly what she meant, and finished her sentence...

Regardless of what the results are, a case of beer is the answer. If the results a good, we can celebrate with a few drinks. If the results are bad, alcohol can numb you.

That's exactly what I was thinking a few days ago.

It's still a month away, but the pressure is on...

Approaching...

2011-11-03T00:27:00.000-04:00

One week to convocation.
One month to exam results.

I've failed to invite a very important person to my convocation for a second time. What goes around comes around.

Let's hope I don't fail the exam.

*sigh*

Take 2

2011-11-02T00:30:00.000-04:00

There are places I don't necessarily want to (re)visit.

There are scenes that I don't want to re-live.

There are memories that I'd rather not think about.

Yet...everything is about to happen all over again.

Why must we go through this again?

Sirens

2011-11-01T23:25:00.001-04:00

This morning I passed by a house and there was a fire truck and ambulance in front of it. From the window, you could tell there were lots of people in the house and something was happening.

This evening I passed by the same house and there were two ambulances in front of it. Whoever lived in the house had called 911 for a second time in the same day.

Over an hour later, when I passed by the same house, the ambulances were about to leave.

Prayers for the family that house. I hope the medics were able to preserve whoever's life was at risk. I hope whoever it was lived.

And prayers for medics.

Pink Dresses

2011-10-31T22:30:00.000-04:00

Ran into R and C on the bus home today. Somehow, I was totally oblivious to the fact that R tried to call/text me from the back of the bus while I was standing near the front. Yes, I'm blind and deaf. =_=

Chat about the bus strike. Chat about Halloween. Chat about random things.

At one point, R told me she was looking around for a venue for her wedding. With that, she told me that they had chosen pink and black as the colours for the wedding. And then...

R: Are you okay with a baby pink dress? I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable.
Me: Yea, that's fine. Don't worry.

Well, what else can I say? =_=

At this point, I am totally dreading this. The idea of having to wear a pink dress in front of the world (including a lot of people that I haven't seen in ages) makes me wanna die. But for R, I'll do it.

The way that R has been so cautious with breaking all of this out to me makes me wonder what she's thinking. Is she always checking if I'm okay with the arrangements simply because she knows I don't want to wear a dress? Or is she asking because she knows what I'm hiding?

I really don't know. Nor do I have the courage to find out.

In this day and time, it wouldn't be that odd for a bridesmaid to not be wearing a dress. But the implications of doing so are too great. For a bridesmaid to not wear a dress makes a very big statement. Not a wise thing to do. For one thing, my own parents might be at the wedding. And what would R's parents think? Double negative.

Actually. It's not that I'm hiding anything. It's just that she's never asked. If she did, I would probably very skillfully admit it. After all, if I can't trust this person that I've known all my life, who can I trust?

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

2011-10-30T22:51:00.003-04:00

Every day, things get a little more interesting, a little more exciting, a little more troublesome.

And they always have to be conflicting issues, so that my life gets a little more complicated, and so that the things I want to do or achieve just seem that much further away.

Sometimes I wish that I really could say 'f*ck it' and just go do what I want.

But how can I stop caring about the people around me? How can I do nothing when I know they need me? How can I hurt those that are closest to me?

When I finally thought I could start getting out of this rut, it seems the whole has just gotten ten times deeper.

One Step Back

2011-10-27T00:31:00.004-04:00

The other day I had planned to take a second step, because that seemed like the most appropriate thing to do considering what I had said before.

Instead of hanging out the entire day, I planned to leave early so that there would still be time for me to do my stuff and have some time for whatever followed, if anything.

But it didn't work out quite that way.

I made a new friend that day. While chatting over lunch, she mentioned that she was having friends over at her house for drinks that night.

One of them was a paramedic.

At that point, I didn't know how to react. After all, there can't be that many 30-something chinese, female, les paramedics in the city. There must be a pretty good chance that it's the same person. The thought of that made my head spin.

I had the urge to ask for details. Does this new friend that I've made know X? If so, then what does this person know about me?

But at the same time, I wanted to avoid it altogether. Perhaps it would be easier for me if I just didn't know at all.

Naturally, this continued to bug me for the rest of the day. The possibility of calling someone (and saying a lot of personal things) who would then go on to see a brand new person that I had just spent the day with was a little overwhelming.

So...

I took it down a notch.

Perhaps...the bits and pieces are up in the air.

Buddies

2011-10-25T23:59:00.022-04:00

Friendship is a very strange thing.

Every now and then, a simple gesture by someone or brief eye contact with him/her tells me that we have some sort of mutual understanding. At that point, I realize that I've shared some sort of personal connection with the person.

Every now and then, there are things that make me realize that there are some people around me that take me as a good friend, that will not judge me, and that are willing to look out for me.

Thanks, to all my friends.

Fail

2011-10-22T23:01:00.004-04:00

Something today made me hesitate.

I couldn't bring myself to go through with what was planned, and did something else instead. Perhaps that was a big mistake.

Did my world just become smaller today? After all, there can't be that many 30-something, chinese, female paramedics in this city. Not sure if it really is the case, but it definitely shook me up a bit. Not sure if that's good or bad.

Feeling a little uneasy about it all...

Faith

2011-10-22T01:36:00.000-04:00

The buried past is not gone forever.
It's just waiting for someone to dig it up.

One more time.

If A, then let's deal with this, face to face, once and for all.

If B, then I'll have to find the courage in me to do the impossible and just hope for the best.

There are things that have led me to believe things I cannot see.

Sometimes, having faith is all you can do.

Whatever happens happens.

Giant Little Friend!

2011-10-21T23:48:00.000-04:00

If things were different, I would buy it right away.

Down Under

2011-10-20T22:56:00.002-04:00

I've never been good at talking. I always find it difficult to verbally tell anyone my deepest thoughts. For me, it takes a lot of courage to say all those things that are inside. Even in front of the one person that I trust 200%, it's always a struggle and never comes naturally.

But perhaps this is what I really need to do right now, because sometimes saying/hearing it for real makes a difference.

Hopefully, when the time comes, I can still find the courage to say all those things that I've kept locked away for so long.

Hear me out.
Listen to me.

Give me a chance.

Please.

Overloaded

2011-10-18T01:13:00.001-04:00

I can take on all the exams in the world, but I never know how to deal with you.

When it comes to you, I'm always weak and always lose.

Emotionally and mentally overloaded.

What do I do next?

='(

痴情司 MV #1

2011-10-16T23:22:00.003-04:00

Haven't talked about this song until now...

To be honest, my first impression of the song was not good. It was simply the wrong song at the wrong time for me. A song about letting go was not what I wanted to hear at a time when I was about to make an important phone call to someone from my past. "其實你我這美夢　氣數早已盡　重來也是無用情願百世都讚頌　最美的落紅　敢捨棄才是勇" In fact, for those few days the song was a little repulsive because it was so discouraging to me.

But, of course, that was just my own bias.

After listening to it more and under a different mood/situation, the song is actually very nice. It's really simple, but the feeling is really there. It has that optimistic moving forward attitude, but at the same time retains that sorrowful loss feeling.

Perhaps I still have 粱祝 on my mind so this was really not what I expected. Nonetheless, I like it.

I love how the MV tries to introduce the 12 girls from the musical. The snowy atmosphere in the MV really matches the song. From the MV, I noticed that one of them is the girl from 漂浪青春. It should be interesting to see what role she plays in hocc's musical, considering her previous role in 漂浪青春 was rather masculine.

Comments on the full album to come, after I listen to it some more.

Chasing the Runner

2011-10-16T01:26:00.002-04:00

Seek and you shall find.

I've done it again.

What I thought was lost forever has been found, at a different location, under a different title, a different name, and a different background. But it's all still there, intact, as before.

If I never found it, perhaps it would have been easier to start putting things behind me.

But I'm glad I found it, because it indirectly tells me a few things and answers a few questions.

To know that the tree hole still exists is a relief. When it disappeared a few months ago, I thought that was the end, that I had been erased forever. But the fact that it still exists tells me and what's in the tree hole still has some sort of significance.

The background reminds of something. Birds. Wings. Fly. There's a certain quote that comes to mind.

The title was heartbreaking. But I'm not going to take that as the answer. Nothing is forever. Especially not this.

But most of all, the name. Keyword: reluctant. I'm happy to see that, because it tells me I still have some meaning after all this time.

All this time, I've been chasing after you and you've ignored me. But in the end, even up until recently, you still call yourself reluctant. Then why are you running?

Stop.
Stay.
Talk to me.

Please.

*sigh*

I've used all the courage in me to take that first step. Perhaps it's time for a second.

I'm Still Here

2011-10-15T00:26:00.003-04:00

Goodbye doesn't have to be forever.
The reluctant runner doesn't have to run.

Stop running and say hello.

I'm right here.

Blah

2011-10-14T01:29:00.000-04:00

Too tired to think about anything. Not sure why. Haven't even started doing any real work yet.

Feel the urge to cry. Not sure why. But nothing's coming out.

Hate this feeling.

*sigh*

Not so user friendly...

2011-10-12T22:24:00.003-04:00

Transit here really sucks.

Every route that I can take to get home after work...
1) is Express so I need to pay extra,
2) only operates during rush hour,
3) requires me to pay an extra fare because of zones,
4) only comes once every 30min, OR
5) requires more than one transfer

How is this gonna work during busy season?!

粱祝 vs 賈寶玉

2011-10-10T00:46:00.003-04:00

粱祝說: 為何還害怕若覺得這樣愛
賈寶玉說: 敢捨棄才是勇

粱祝說: 約定了下世共我更傳奇
賈寶玉說: 遲一點天上見

粱祝說的是因為愛所以要爭取。
賈寶玉說的是因為愛所以要放手。

相同的,就是那份愛。

(可惜嘅係我兩樣都做唔到。)

The Waiting Game

2011-10-07T22:48:00.001-04:00

Still...blank...

Am I hopeful? Not really. I know not to set my expectations too high, but I still hope.

Am I disappointed? Perhaps. Slightly. But in a strangely calm way. Or maybe I'm just numb, or avoiding the thought altogether.

I suddenly realize that what I said was not very smart.

I said I'd try again.

But is that appropriate? Do I even have the courage to do it?

Or should I keep waiting? Until when?

The more I think about it, the more I feel like an idiot.

It's always like this. I pull myself together to do something and then half of me starts to regret it. I hope, and then I get disappointed and crushed. Yet, I set out again to do it all over again.

Why? For what?

Why the f**k am I going about making a fool of myself again and again?

Sometimes, I'm not sure.

All because it means something to me.

P.S.

2011-10-06T00:45:00.001-04:00

I broke the rules.

I added to something that already ended.

It's a P.S.

And a P.P.S.

It's an exception,
But a justified one.

Nothing to Fear

2011-10-03T16:48:00.003-04:00

Am I scared?

I don't really know.

The first time I read through the articles last week, perhaps it was a bit freaky. A lot of the symptoms do seem to match. And the not-so-fancy name is enough to scare anyone.

Autosomal dominant. I have enough bio knowledge to know what that means without looking it up. If she has it, then there's at least a 50% chance that I do too. Based on my own knowledge of my own body, I wouldn't be surprised if it turned out positive.

I think I've already convinced myself that it doesn't matter. If anything, all that has happened is we've put a name to a condition that has existed all my life. It doesn't really change anything.

Is there a problem? Yes.
Can you do anything about it? No.
Then don't worry.

But I know she's worried, and she's scared. I really don't know what I can say.

In the end, it all still has to be confirmed.

X used to always say/joke that maybe she wouldn't be around the next day. 原來呢句說話應該係我講。Who knows? Maybe something will happen tonight and I won't be around anymore tomorrow.

Suspense

2011-10-03T00:08:00.000-04:00

Blank
Bitter
Numb

The Call

2011-10-02T02:31:00.013-04:00

This morning I picked up a magazine and read the horoscopes in it. I laughed when I saw the Taurus horoscope. In the midst of it was a part that mentioned something about how single Taurus people find the courage to confess their love for their crushes/admirers. How ironic.

I did it.

In the past five years, I could not find the courage to do this. Because there are some risks involved. Because it would hurt if I got shut out or rejected. Because I feared that I would cause another round of pain and sorrow.

But after seeing her in front of me last weekend, and after hearing what the doctor said yesterday, I knew I had to do this. If I did not, I would regret it for the rest of my life. And who knows when I'll drop dead.

I thought about what I wanted to say, but nothing sounded right. I can never seem to find the right words to say to her. I punched in that familiar number, but could not find the courage to hit 'send'.

For a while, I considered maybe an sms was better. It would be less intrusive and a little less personal. But that would be no different from what I had done before. There was no way of knowing that she actually got it. A call would make sure I got through.

I sat there for over an hour with the phone in my hand. My heart was pounding like crazy. Even the exams did not make me this nervous. 2:49pm, I finally hit 'send'. It seemed to ring forever, but finally ended with the machine. I left a brief message, said goodbye, and hung up.

If she was home, she would have heard my message at that moment. If she was out, she would surely check the message and hear it. One way or another, I had 'forced' her to hear me out.

I tried hard to sound relatively normal, but surely there was a quiver in my voice. I know I struggled to even speak at all.

Perhaps this was a very selfish thing to do.

12 hours later. I'm lying here asking myself if all of this was real. Did I really do that? Or was it just a dream?

Adele - Someone Like You

2011-10-02T01:48:00.005-04:00

It seems that this song was playing everywhere we went tonight.

Ironically, it says exactly what I'm thinking...

"I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over"

"...I wish nothing but the best for you
Don't forget me, I beg
I'll remember, you said..."

For the most part, I love this song.

Except...the most important line...

"Never mind, I'll find someone like you"

I don't want someone like you, nor would I ever find someone like you.

I want you.

Courage

2011-10-01T11:24:00.002-04:00

If I don't try, I'll never know.
If I don't know, I'll never let go.

So at 1125, I'm telling myself I'm going to go ahead with this.

What if she doesn't pick up? Then I'll speak to the machine. Perhaps that'll be a little easier on my faint heart.

What if she does pick up? If she'll talk, that's awesome. If she tells me off, then I'll finally have an answer.

Whatever happens happens.

I've taken the whole week to work up my courage.

Hopefully I can stick to this for a few more hours...

Road Blocks

2011-09-30T23:20:00.000-04:00

Why is it that when I finally decide to take a step forward all these other things come up and break down my confidence?

It's bad enough for me to do this, but now I feel even worse for doing it now.

But if I don't do it now, I don't know if I'll ever find the courage again to do it.

*sigh*

Aftershock

2011-09-27T19:23:00.023-04:00

This past weekend has been really surprising and it's all still sinking in.

M landed in Van yesterday. I've taken care of her car, and everything's all done now. I can't say that I'm really good friends with her because I do not agree with some of her thoughts and perspectives, but we can definitely have a good time together. That's one less person for me to hang out with.

I keep thinking about the fact that R is engaged and it's still really hard to believe. Perhaps because we've known each other for so long. I've watched her as a kid, as a teenager, through university, everything. We don't actually hang out that often, but we always keep in touch. And now, all of a sudden, that little girl that I used to play with at recess and walk home with after school is about to get married. It's almost like finding out your own sis is getting married. Absolutely unbelievable.

And then, of course, there's X. Seeing her stirred up a lot of things in me.

I know I've never quite let go of it, but I never expected myself to react so dramatically when I did see her. I used whatever excuse I could to get out of the house that night. I didn't know what to do or where to go. I just drove and drove and drove. At some point, I had the urge to just go and knock on her door, but I know that's not the wisest thing to do.

Seeing her again tells me again I will regret it if I don't take one more good shot at this. Today I kept asking myself if I really should go ahead and do this. I want to, and I know that. But, in so many ways, it's a very selfish act, and the risks involved are very big and very real.

On the other hand, seeing her, even if only very briefly and from afar, answered some of my questions.

I'm glad to see that she had a coffee in her hand. That means the health concerns that arose back then are no longer an issue. She was worried then. But I was out of the game before there was an answer. This, at least, gives me a little bit of comfort to know that she should still be in fairly good health.

I'm also glad to see that she's got a new car. She's always had a thing for cars, and it also tells me that she must be doing okay at the job. It was too far to tell, but it looked like a Mazda. A little unexpected, but not surprising. Hatchback, like she wanted. I think the windows were tinted. I can guess why. Knowing her, it's definitely a manual. She would never drive an automatic.

Where do you draw the line between fighting for what you want and being selfish?

In the end, I'm still that "kid" in so many ways. Can I really live up to this?

And the finale to my weekend...

2011-09-26T00:03:00.001-04:00

As if Friday and Saturday haven't been interesting enough...here is #3...to add to the big mash up of emotions that I've had this weekend.

Congrats, R! I'm very happy for you. You're first, just as we all predicted back in high school.

My friend of 18 years, who has always lived less than 20 houses away from me, has gotten engaged. The wedding is tentatively next year, and I've been asked to be one of the bridesmaid.

Other than congratulating her and being happy for her, I really did not know how to react. There's never been a wedding that's been so close to me. All the previous weddings that have occurred were those of somewhat distant relatives that I didn't care much about, and I've avoided them using whatever excuse I can. But this is different. No excuse in the world is big enough for me to avoid this. Nor do I want to, because I'm sincerely happy for her and want to be there on her big day. How could I possibly turn down a friend that I've known all my life?

I am truly happy for her, but a wedding/marriage that's so close to me presents two issues for me.

Practically speaking, being a bridesmaid involves wearing a dress. The last time I wore a dress was at my high school grad, seven years ago. I cannot even start to explain how awkward I feel wearing a dress. But there's nothing I can do.

The second issue adds to what happened yesterday. Being a friend of 18 years, obviously my parents know her. After telling them this news tonight, their reaction seems a bit strange. I'm pretty sure it's because they're thinking about my situation in relation to all of this. Now I really wonder who saw who yesterday.

It's been a heck of a weekend. First M is leaving for Van. Then, I see X. Now, my childhood best friend is about to get married.

What's next?

她...

2011-09-24T23:19:00.043-04:00

I never expected it to happen like this.

While at the supermarket closest to my house, I casually looked around while my mom and K picked whatever they were picking. A person in the distance looked familiar and made me look back.

I took another look.

The same blue jacket. The same brownish, wavy hair. The same sunglasses on her head. The same gait. And a coffee in hand.

I could feel my body shake, my head start to spin, and that chest pain.

It's her. It really is her.

Thank goodness for the sunglasses I had on. It was hard to keep my eyes from tearing up.

Running shoes, as always. But not ones I've seen. Khaki's, not jeans. Perhaps I've spent too little time with her in the summer. Almost looks a little foreign to me, but still typically her style.

There's someone with her. Long hair. More feminine. Probably around her age. Can't help but wonder what their relationship is.

They disappeared out of my line of sight. I thought that was it. But as we walked towards the exit, they stepped out, right in front of us.

It was like a scene out of my dreams. And the worst possible one.

I am walking...with my mom...less than 10ft behind her.

How could this possibly be happening?

They cross the road. As always, she was watching out for that person she was with. She always had a tendency to lead me across the road.

We're still behind them.

They walk off to the end of the parking lot.

They get to a car. It's not hippo. She takes the driver's side. Typical of her. It's too far for me to see the license. Black. Looks like a Mazda. Hatchback. Tinted windows. The car is everything we once talked about.

They got in the car and rolled the windows down, but didn't start the engine.

At the same time, I started the car to leave.

It's been 5 years since I last saw her.

I never expected to run into her like this. I never expected to run into her here. I never expected it would be at a time when my mom is right beside me.

If I was alone, I would have confronted her. I've been waiting for this chance all along. I don't care who she's with. I want to talk to her.

But circumstances today were impossible.

There was a girl with her. I'm pretty sure I know who it is, considering it's a Saturday afternoon and she's in this area. But it still makes me jealous that I can't be walking around with her like that.

Did she see me? I don't think so. But perhaps she did in the distance. If so, what is she thinking now?

Did my mom see her? I don't know. As far as I know, my mom has never met her before. She shouldn't have known. But, there were things that happened behind my back that I still don't know about.

For the last few weeks I've been thinking about the next steps, the things that I could do, the things that I want to say to her. And now this happened.

The sight of her still gets me excited and gets my heart racing. Having to leave still creates that unbearable heaviness inside.

Life is so cruel.

My head is spinning, and that chest pain is back. It feels like that bottomless pit all over again.

The person that I've never stopped loving all these years was right in front of me, and I could not even say a single word to her.

='(

9/23

2011-09-24T02:14:00.003-04:00

It's a Friday again.
Just like then.
A full round.

Ironically, I was at that same place today.

The memories never seem to fade.

I can still remember the sounds and music.

And you're still on my mind.

Bittersweet

2011-09-22T16:49:00.001-04:00

V posted this on FB last week and it sort of got to me:
Chat History

I'm not sure how to react to this story/article. It's sad because the girl is going back into her email/chats and seeing all the rough times that the couple went through. But, in a way, it's also sweet because you see how much they loved each other and these everyday emails/chats became an unintended record of their relationship.

Like this story, a part of my past has been 'accidentally' scattered across three email accounts, two blogs and MSN.

MNN is offline.

350*F

2011-09-20T23:33:00.000-04:00

For whatever reason, we started talking about banana bread at home the other day. At some point, somebody mentioned how banana bread has a lot of butter in it and is not so healthy. And, of course, I stupidly blurted out that you can make banana bread with applesauce instead of butter.

I don't know why I brought this up, and now a part of me regrets it.

Perhaps my mom forgot about this already, or she is pretending to not remember. Both she and I have both had applesauce banana bread before. It was years ago. And it was made by the one person that she really hates.

I've always loved banana bread. So, of course, when X found out about that, she set off to make me banana bread. I still remember going to her house one day and finding two loaves of freshly baked banana bread that she was experimenting with. Being the health conscious person that she is, she was trying to perfect the applesauce recipe because the butter one was too unhealthy.

It was one of the many things that she went out of her way to do especially for me. Too bad I never got to watch her make it.

My applesauce banana bread wasn't so good tonight. The taste and texture were not what I wanted.

Or maybe, as X used to say, everything always tastes better when somebody makes it for you.

Show Number X

2011-09-19T00:25:00.004-04:00

Another strange strange dream......

I was with two other people. There was a guy and a girl, but I couldn't tell who they were.

We went into some dark room that was sort of like a theater. There was a small stage with wooden floors and red curtains. There were no real audience seats; just steps, where the audience sat. We sat down. The girl sat next to me and the guy sat next to her.

The show began. Three people sang on the stage: a girl and two guys. The girl played a flute. One guy played a harmonica. The other guy played some strange instrument that was like a kazoo. It was a very a cappella and acoustic type performance.

The last song caught my attention. It was like the three people were singing/talking to each other. Eventually, one guy's part ended and he left the stage. The other two continued on. I still have a vague idea of what the song sounded like, but it's nothing that I can recognize.

As the show went on, the girl next to me put her arm around my neck. It was a very warm feeling. After that, at some point, I put my head on her shoulder. We stayed like that and watched the show continue on.

I never got to the end of the show......

I can sort of see why there might be a stage/show involved. But why all the details about the venue and the show? Who was the guy that was with me? And who was the girl that seemed so close to me?

What does it all mean?

Life Without Principle

2011-09-18T00:41:00.002-04:00

This was the first time I've ever watched a TIFF film, and I think the first time I've ever watched a Chinese film in theaters.

Kinda surprised how many non-Chinese people were watching the film, and kinda surprised that it was a full house. HK movies have never been all that good or popular, but I guess the name Johnnie To is still pretty big internationally.

The movie was not really what I expected...

I didn't like the abrupt ending. To me, it seemed like there should have been more. It would have been interesting to see what each person did with their new found wealth, or if the case ever gets solved. But I guess this way it leaves rooom for imagination.

I did like how it was one story told from three perspectives. Interesting to see how the lives of three strangers converge because of one situation, without them ever knowing. Slightly confusing at first, but clever. Kinda reminds me of the movie Momento, but Momento was a million times more confusing.

As the person introducing the film said, you really need to know something about HK to understand why the theme of this movie is so important. Otherwise, it might seem a little weird.

Overall a good day. Good food and company for lunch. Good food and company for dinner and movie.

Day 3 of 3

2011-09-15T22:52:00.016-04:00

0730: Stuck on the 401, thinking I'm gonna be late for the last day of the most important exam I've ever written in my life.

0800: Made it. With time to spare.

0850: Stupid proctor started giving instructions too early. Sat there forever, in silence, waiting for her to give the official start. All the while, mind and heart is racing.

1025: Q1 time's up, but I'm not done. Again. Just like yesterday.

1150: Q2 time's up, but I'm not done. Even more over time. Sh*t.

1200: Starting Q3 10min later than I should have. F**k. The question's only 4 pages long. Very strange. There must be some trick in it.

1230: Time to start sacrificing marks. Or else I'll never get to the other sections.

1257: Nothing left to write. Should I go back?

1300: Stop. Drown in failure. And feel your body give in to the stress.

Finally. This exam that's known to be one of the hardest professional exams in the world is all done.

For each of these three days, among ourselves, we wished each other good luck every morning. Deep down, we all know that not everyone will make it. In the end, we are all competing against each other. May the best candidate prevail. But, as naive as it is, I still sincerely hope that we can all pass this together, and that nobody gets left behind. We're all gonna make it.

Thank you to all my classmates. Thank you to my study buddies. Thank you to a few people who were not part of this process but remembered to send me their wishes. You're all awesome people. Thank you for keeping me sane through these crazy times.

Most people are doing one of two things tonight: Drink. Or sleep.

2300: Good night. Perhaps I can finally get some rest tonight.

Shattered

2011-09-14T22:38:00.001-04:00

Just found out the date for convo.
To my surprise, it's less than 2 months away.

Even bigger surprise...it's in the evening.

=(

Day 2 of 3

2011-09-14T19:23:00.004-04:00

4 hours...
15 pages of reading and analysis...
20 pages of writing...
3 spreadsheets...

Feel your heart rate and blood pressure go up really high while waiting to start.
Feel yourself get extremely nervous as you go over time on Q1.
Feel your mind go blank as you scramble through Q2 with less than enough time.
Feel your hands shaking as you start on Q3.
Feel yourself losing it as the proctor announces there's 5min left.
Stop.

For the first 30sec after the end, all you can think about is how bad you just did.

If every day were this high intensity and high stress, I would go insane.

Now...one more time.

Day 1 of 3

2011-09-13T17:24:00.019-04:00

Today was brutal.

During the last month, I did pretty much all the cases from 2005 to 2010. But none of them compared to the one today. I don't think I've ever felt so lost and confused while writing a case.

It was like...all the topics we thought they would never test all thrown into one big case.

Awesome.

The bad...I have absolutely no confidence whatsoever for this one.
The good...It's all relative, so I just need to beat other people to win.

This exam is 25% knowledge, 50% fast typing and 25% mental/emotional control.

So...it's time to throw this all away and move on to the next battle.

Tomorrow is another (exam) day.

Off Topic #1: Do things happen by chance, by coincidence or by fate? Sometimes certain things happen and it makes you wonder if it really was just an accident, or if there really is some greater power at work.

Off Topic #2: Feel kinda guilty for not offering R a ride these few days. But I really need that time alone during the drive before and after the exam. It's much too stressful to have to entertain a passenger when I'm feeling like crap inside. I know she understands, because we talked about it before, but I still feel guilty.

To...the missing piece of me...

2011-09-13T00:54:00.002-04:00

At this most critical moments, all I can think of is you...

I wrote an email with only two lines.
You'll never get it, but it was to you.

Pray for me, my dear friend.
It means the world for me.

Diversion

2011-09-12T09:33:00.007-04:00

24 hours and counting...

There is some annoying construction going on outside, making it impossible to think.

So instead, I went and tried to revive an old email account, because there's a remote chance that I could get some comfort from it.

Unsuccessful.

What am I forgetting? What am I missing?

Perhaps I'll go and write an email now instead. But that would take a lot more courage.

Peace

2011-09-11T20:29:00.000-04:00

Think back...

10 years ago, today, where were you and what were you doing?

Sept 11, 2001. The beginning of the second year of high school. Ironically, I think it was a world religions class that I was sitting in, when the principal came on the PA system and told everyone what was going on.

God bless...to everyone who lost someone...because there's nothing more painful than losing the people you love.

Putting Things into Perspective

2011-09-10T23:19:00.000-04:00

An exam is an exam. Worst case scenario, you fail and write it again next year.

But life...is not like that.

There are things that I can no longer avoid. There are problems and issues that need to be dealt with. Things need to change. And sometimes, there's no room for mistakes and no second chances.

It's three days before this huge exam. Yes, I'm worried about the exam. But I am a million times more worried about all the things that will happen after the exam.

For all these years, I've pushed back all these other issues because I thought now would be the best time to deal with them in a way that would work to my advantage. Now that I'm finally here, it's not like that at all. There are now bigger problems, and more problems, because there are a million things that I did not forsee.

My invisible destination is still nowhere to be seen, and I'm back at the starting line again.

km/h

2011-09-09T03:28:00.035-04:00

Every time I close my eyes, a million things start to run through my head. When I finally manage to fall asleep, it continues on, as a dream. I cannot pinpoint what it is that are in the dreams. Everything is too fast and too scattered for me to remember. But every time, all of a sudden, I find myself awake again, like waking up from a nightmare.

The darkness is closing in......

I'm an idiot, and everything is my fault.

2011-09-08T19:03:00.002-04:00

Today was a f**ked up day, and I'm now at the point where I feel the need to smash something to take out the tension. But this is all I can get.

Meeting scheduled for 9am. I get there at 9am. One person gets there at 9:30am. Another gets there at 9:50am and says, "You didn't actually get here at 9am, did you? Can we start now?" Are you f**king kidding me? You call a 9am meeting, show up 50min late, think that setting 9am was a joke, and complain that we're wasting time? Quite honestly, I did not want to meet at all today because I could get much more studying done on my own. I agreed to it because I feel I have an obligation to my group. And this is the way I get treated.

What was supposed to be a morning meeting did not end until 2:30pm.

So I get home. And someone is pissed off at me for getting back so late, making it impossible for her to go out to do stuff. WTF is this? (1) I specifically asked if anyone else needed the car today, and all said they don't really need it. (2) How am I supposed to know that you want to use the car if you never said so? If you told me, I would have changed my plans yesterday. (3) You're complaining that I'm taking too long at a f**king meeting? Are you serious? I'm working/studying, not hanging out and having fun. (4) I have a f**king phone. You can call and tell me if you need something.

So I get up extra early, go to a meeting that I didn't want to go to, get treated like sh*t, and then get yelled at for something that wasn't even my fault.

Thank you. This is just what I need four days before this f**king exam.

Two-Face Reading Minds

2011-09-06T19:11:00.004-04:00

Read this article a while ago:
People with mild depression may be better at reading minds: study

Kinda interesting, because it's sort of something that I've noticed.

Ever since things got rough in life, I subconsciously started becoming more aware and attentive of the thoughts, emotions and body language of the people around me. Do I really care so much about other people's mental state? Maybe a bit, but the intention is ultimately "selfish". I know I pay more attention because I want to better understand the relationships I have with each person, better manage these relationships, and avoid "mistakes" I've made in the past. In the end, I know I'm trying to protect myself.

Another thing I read a while ago:
Why you can't truly know other people

Also kinda interesting, because someone once accused me of being fake.

I know that I present different versions of myself to different people, and I admit it's intentional. Why? Because I trust different people to varying degrees, so I entrust different amounts of personal information to different people. Because reality is harsh, and I know I need to project a certain image to certain people to succeed. Because if I told the entire truth to everyone, I'd be in a situation where I would probably kill myself. Is that being fake? Perhaps some would say so. But I disagree. You can call me fake if I treat people differently to gain an advantage for myself. But in the end, that's not my motive and I (try to) have the same amount of respect and courtesy for everyone.

Spies

2011-09-05T01:27:00.006-04:00

While waiting for a table for lunch today, I noticed a group of young people that were also waiting. Nothing strange about it. But it's slightly more rare to see a group of young people going for dim sum on a Sunday afternoon. Simply because Sunday dim sum is more of a family thing.

When we finally got a table (like 40 minutes later), I noticed that the group that I saw earlier was sitting at the table next to us. And within that group, was a face that I recognized.

I do not know this person personally. But through various connections, I have known of this person for quite a while. It was not until today that I ever saw her in person.

To some extent, I can say I know quite a bit about her and have seen her in a whole lot of pics. But as far as I know, she does not even know of my existence. She would never suspect that some stranger at the next table knows a bunch of things about her personal life.

It suddenly occurred to me how strange (and kinda scary?) this is. There are people out there that may know a lot about me, and I might not even know of their existence. And yes, it does happen. For one thing, every now and then, someone tells me they were telling their mom/dad/gf/bf/friend about me. -_-''

So...what does the world know about me that I don't know?

On second thought, maybe this girl knows just as much about me and I don't know it? That's quite possible too.

Spinning...

2011-09-04T03:03:00.001-04:00

Can't seem to sleep tonight....

Keep dreaming...about something important...but I can't remember exactly what it was......

Perhaps it's because of that conversation from before. I know what I'm doing is probably futile, and maybe even intrusive, but I'll never be satisfied if I don't at least try and don't get an answer.

Perhaps it's this exam. Either the exam is stressing me out and causing me to think about other things. Or the other things are causing me to stress out about the exam.

Perhaps it's the illicit plans that I'm thinking about. Potentially, my chances are coming. But the risks are very high.

Restless...

Roots

2011-09-02T23:36:00.011-04:00

Saw this article earlier....

http://www.thestar.com/sports/hockey/nhl/article/1048995--the-organically-fed-37-5m-superathlete-who-plays-in-his-hometown-beer-league?bn=1

I have known, directly or indirectly, all the NHL players mentioned in this article. Nice to see that they are still down to earth enough to keep in touch and hang out with their BA buddies even after becoming multi-million dollar athletes.

Everyone used to say how bad of a school BA is. But in the end, that's the place where some life-long friendships began. It might not have been the best school, but the good (and bad) times will never be forgotten.

Too Slow

2011-09-01T23:52:00.002-04:00

Meant to follow up with a friend about something, but didn't get the chance to. Kinda feel bad about it, cuz it was sort of my issue too, since I was supposed to be involved. So now I've just given the impression that I don't really care, cuz I knew there is a potential for problems and didn't even take the time to check up on them and make sure things are working out.

Hate it when I do that.

Hope everything will be fine.

Walk with me...

2011-08-30T23:02:00.004-04:00

The first walk. Being the 'boring' people we are, we sat in your car and chat, and then went for a walk. A walk in silence, through an empty but peaceful park. A walk that meant so much. A park that I dare not visit again.

The first dinner. I've never gone back to that place. I can still remember where we sat and what we ate. Can't help but wonder what you ate when you went back alone. Every time I pass by, I still can't help but think of you.

The first hug. I was hesitant, but I kept my first promise to you. It was a strange feeling. From that simple embrace, I could feel the weight and pressure that you were facing, and the relief and comfort that my simple gesture meant to you.

Sometimes, silence is the best form of communication. There are things that don't need to be said, and will still be understood.

Sometimes, all you really want/need is for someone to walk with you. They don't need to help you or console you, because simply being there is already enough.

What I would give to walk with you again...

“Upgrade"

2011-08-29T00:30:00.003-04:00

I think I just made an irrevocable change to one of my old blogs.

The address seems to be different.
Meaning whoever had access to it before won't find it.

It seems not everything is being transferred.
Meaning I've lost some very important things.

Some functions seem to be gone.
Meaning I can no longer see who's been there.
Meaning I can't leave traces where I want.

FML

Stoic

2011-08-27T22:28:00.002-04:00

Saw this article...
Olivia Chow: An oil painting in stoic grief

And thought of this song...

Of all the people in this world, she's the one suffering the most. Yet, she was out there consoling everyone else.

There are people in our lives that always put on a brave face and a big smile, even when they are going through great pain and sorrow, because they know that that is the only way to help those around them.

Thank you.

I was never as strong as you. But you're never alone.

多得你最開心的人
陪伴著我每個難熬夜深
用你笑聲粉飾了天地
告別失望無懼氣溫
只不過誰為你著緊
習慣了悲哀中救傷的你
沒法放開開心的責任
抱著心事無人問壯烈犧牲

若你想哭即管放心吧
我不會過問
你可盡情在我肩膊哭泣
做個凡人

Canada Loves Jack

2011-08-27T17:28:00.003-04:00

(Picture taken from thestar.com)

As said in many places, I've never seen so much love and respect for a politician. Yes, people lay flowers and cards and candles for people. But this make-shift memorial, all the wishes and messages it contains, and all the people that gathered around Roy Thomson Hall to be "at" his funeral, is truly something.

Lies and Promises

2011-08-26T23:36:00.001-04:00

So I just promised to do something for a friend.

And to fulfill my obligation, I will need to tell a lie.

Hm.

If you tell a lie (that doesn't really hurt anyone) in order to help a friend, is that bad?

Are white lies still bad?

My conscience is starting to get at me.